To want my kids and I to have passports?

[Marzipanface]

My children and I don’t have passports. My husband does. He is the main breadwinner, I look after our two children who have some additional needs. As a result I do not work outside of the home. I simply don’t have the time due to caring commitments or the childcare and I’ve been out of the job market for a very long time due to a serious health condition. Thankfully I’ve recovered from it fingers crossed and then I became a SAHM to my two children. The plan was to go back to work when they were settled in school but life got in the way and now I have a teenager and a preteen who both have additional needs and some health issues and mainstream school never worked out for them both. I have no family support re: childcare or help.

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions.

Two years ago my DH received a significant inheritance. The only thing I requested was could he please get me and the kids passports and could we try to take them in a trip to France or Spain. It doesn’t have to be exotic. I regularly have an issue with ID as I don’t drive and I would really like to take the kids abroad on holiday or on an educational short trip. He didn’t pay for them.

The kids are older now and regularly ask why we can’t go to another country or go on a plane/boat, and I have to explain that we don’t have passports.

I’ve had enough. I want a passport and I want to be able to take the kids somewhere. I also want to be able to go on a trip with friends on a city break instead of always having to make excuses. As usual my DH has demanded ‘why do we need them’ and told us he can’t afford them. He has now gone to bed in a piss because I’m having a ‘go again’ because my daughter is asking us for a passport and pointed out to me she is 15 and never been to another country.

He doesn’t care much for travelling despite having to do some for his work. He has told me yet again that I don’t need a passport. I’m fucking sick of it. AIBU?

Passport is very important, I'm shocked and puzzled at the same time. Especially for POC woman having proof of citizenship is super important, along with identity purposes. Its for literal protection. So many PP's here tone deaf.

But she’s clearly not dealing with a reasonable person - as apparently he always gets the final say on big financial decisions (which this may or may not be). So that being the case she’s clearly not dealing with a decent, reasonable person with a reasonable worldview.

I’m sorry but comparing a disagreement over paying for a passport to domestic ‘violence’ really is an insult to DV victims.

You do realise that DV takes many forms, corrosive control, financial abuse ect. It's not always violence in the physical sense!!

Is he correct? Can he afford it? Is he struggling financially?
OP you really need to get a job.
Your children aren't under 5.

So his job is well paid enough for them to take holidays in Centre Parcs etc AND to necessitate him travelling to the US and China etc. And yet a passport for his wife and near adult kids is too expensive, so his wife is left without any photo id whatsoever. He’s either a control freak or a weirdo.

Suprised nobody is picking up on this line from the OP

As a result I have little economic to no economic independence from my DH. He has always been fairly reasonable about his salary and we consider it a joint income until it comes to big purchases, then he makes the decisions

“A joint income” … except when it comes to matters of real actual importance when it then basically all goes back to being his money again.

It doesn’t matter if it’s a want or a need. It’s something you’ve wanted for years and he holds the purse strings and says no.

You could save or budget for it if money were the issue. It’s about control.

Order them yourself and tell him he doesn’t get to make unilateral decisions for the family. He should transfer you the money or the utilities won’t be paid.

https://www.gov.uk/carers-allowance

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/benefits/sick-or-disabled-people-and-carers/carers-allowance/

please look at these links OP.

maybe do a benefit calculation to see what you might be able to claim if you were on your own.

https://www.turn2us.org.uk/

The OP's husband is blatantly financially controlling. Anyone arguing that providing a passport to two teenage and nearly teenage children is a "luxury" has a very limited worldview. Of course it's a reasonable request.

It is also the case that the OP should look for a job: her children are on the threshold of their teens and there are ways to manage their disabilities.

The two things are not mutually exclusive: if anything this reinforces the fact that its nearly always a bad idea to stop work altogether. Clearly the fact that she has children with additional needs is something of a mitigating factor, but there comes a point where she needs to take control of her financial situation. OP if you're still reading it is time to go back to work.

Girl. Your husband has you right were he wants you = tied to the house & home not on holidays in southern Europe

For your own sake please sort out ID for you & your kids even if you arnt planning on going away

I thought she said they decide together and she has also vetoed purchases before, its a long thread so I may have missed this other post.

I think it is a big financial decision due to the cost.

Its vital she has proper and sufficient ID, that is not unreasonable, the form of that is being quibbled by him. Is he opposed to her updating her provisional licence for example or would he object to her getting an ID card.

You’re going to need to get a job. Sooner rather than later , I suspect. That will get you into a wider public world where you’ll see that your husband’s behaviour is neither normal nor acceptable. And you’ll have some independence through money you earn.

You know this situation is abusive right?

Who decides who has agency to get themselves out there and get a job? surely you could say that about many victims of domestic abuse - the cliched cry of why don't they leave?

Sorry that was in reply to bonmot57

Pro-abuse bullshit like this needs to be stamped out on here. My god.

Some of the women on this thread excusing controlling behaviour. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Because he needs to go abroad for work. That’s completely different. What’s the point in everyone having a passport if there’s no money for a holiday. That £300 could be spend on a UK break. I don’t get why people are jumping to conclusions that’s it’s abusive because OP can’t just decide to spend £300 of their shared income. They each can veto. If she had a holiday booked and paid for and he was refusing then I’d be saying different but having a passport just for the sake of it when money appears to be tight is a waste

They go to Centerparcs. There's money for a holiday overseas. Her husband just doesn't want them to be able to go abroad, for some reason.

Are you married?
Does your husband allow you to have a passport?

Next time he suggests this, maybe he could take them on his own and you could have your "share" to save up for a holiday where you take them abroad.
It's quite a bit cheaper for three people to travel than four.

Centerparcs is not cheap, I know a good few people who have done a cheaper trip in Centerparcs in Belgium.

He would probably be fine about it. We’ve been together a long time and have had various different financial arrangements depending on joint earnings and so on. We’ve had difficulty with health and finances and I think he worries about money so much.

I just get tired of never having a passport despite there being opportunities in the past to go abroad - inexpensive ones with extended family. I always struggle as well when it comes to ID.

You are very astute and perceptive. This is the exact issue really.

A passport is not just for overseas travel, it’s for ID. I don’t know how you’ve got by without one for so long when you don’t have a driving license either. How do you prove who you are when required to? Voting, opening a bank account, starting a new job, buying a house, there are so many things now that you need photo ID either.

Not letting someone have a passport is far more serious than not being able to go on holidays. It prevents them living as an independent adult. What happens if he dies? Or you decide to leave him?

Plus, yes it would also be nice to be able to go abroad. Or even to fly somewhere within the UK - you can’t do that without photo ID either.

Forget about the kids for now, and focus on getting him to understand why you, as a grown adult, need this important document. It’s less than a hundred pounds to get a passport. It doesn’t sound as though money is so tight that he couldn’t find a hundred pounds.

I’d love to go back to work into a full-time paid job but that won’t happen.

It has to fit around really awkward tuition timetables, pick ups/drop offs and endless medical issues and hospital appointments for my teen. It also has to fit around my DHs work hours. The thought of caring for the children and doing all the domestic work all week and then having to go to a low paid job work doing most likely more cleaning and caring at the weekend/evenings and all the juggling of timetables, trying to be in more than one place at once just defeats me. I’ve had this conversation repeatedly with my DH and we usually end up agreeing that it isn’t worth the upheaval and hassle to everyones lives.
I then feel trapped. I fully expected to go back to work when the kids were older and in school full-time.