To take DD’s trust fund..

[BlueFlamingo55]

AIBU to take part of DD’s trust fund to pay for our new house?

DD has quite a modest trust fund (~£30k) that I had promised to give her this year since she is now 19. The money is my inheritance from DF but instead I decided to put it away for DD when she was younger to help with her university costs, first car, house deposit etc.

Life didn’t turn out quite how I had expected it to and I have just come away from a messy divorce and am now having to purchase a new house in my 50s.. I’ve found a home that both DD and I love but my deposit (my share of the equity money from the marital home) wouldn’t be enough. I therefore decided that I’d take half of DD’s trust money to top things up. I do not want to do this and it was never the plan but it’s the only way I’ll be able to afford this house. We’ve explored cheaper options further outside of town but DD refuses to live in any of them (and I quietly agree with her, I much prefer the area this house is in)

I made the mistake of telling DD my plans re: the trust fund and she has gone absolutely ballistic, for want of a better term. Saying that I’m stealing her money and how will she possibly be able to afford her travel plans etc etc. Apparently I’m trying to ruin her life. I’ve reminded her that I help her out financially 24/7 and she is not hard done by but there is absolutely no talking sense into her. She has refused to speak to me all week.

Am I really the worst mother in the world for taking £15k in order to pay for good, permanent accommodation for us both?

It’s not a ‘trust fund’ or ‘ring fenced’.

It’s unfortunate that you promised DD the money but now want/need to halve the value.

Housing and your pension do seem higher priorities than DD travelling.

I clarified this earlier in the thread. The money was not taken into account in the divorce settlement as it was mine long before ex-H and I were married.

seems like a good solution. Hopefully she will agree.
Does she know that this was money left to you by your father so that you could support yourself and her?

The problem is that you have given something to DD, and then told her you’re taking it away. You haven’t mentioned discussing it with her. Naturally she’s made plans, which now sound sabotaged. You could’ve treated her like an adult, and she may have even suggested taking some from there, or it may have swayed her on accepting a cheaper area. I just don’t think it’s right to tell someone they have something, and then take it from them. And I say that irrespective of the fact it was left to you, and you chose to gift it to DD.

The idea of her legally having a small share in the house, proportionate to the £15k, seems worth exploring but will have implications for each of you to consider, perhaps you could do that first and approach DD about it should you think it could work out.

wouldn’t make any promises about future inheritance from other family members or you: nothing can be guaranteed.

Well legally the money is in your name and your daughter has no claim on it, unless she wants to try going to court on the basis it was "promised" to her (she won't get anywhere with that).

Morally is a different matter. She's an adult and wants the nice roof over her head in the nice area rather than the less nice area. So she needs to understand that takes sacrifice. Is she working or doing anything to contribute to your household? Has she earned anything to pay for her future travel plans? She sounds like a bit of a brat in all honesty.

Have you told her what the choice is? £15k out of that account for the nice house or we move to the less nice area? Or, you are 19 now, why don't you move out with your £30k, and mum can buy somewhere smaller/cheaper for herself that doesn't break her for the rest of her life?

As I understand it, even for trust funds (where a minor inherits from an older relative who dies), the 'trustees' can be members of the minor beneficiary's family and they CAN potentially access it before the beneficiary comes of age. 'Investment' can just be a high interest bank account. And it's not even a police matter if they do. If they dip into it, the victim has to try and reclaim the money through a civil action. I find the whole thing odd, that a disinterested third party doesn't have to be involved to prevent this kind of thing.

I don't get this idea of taking a share in a house. If there is some kind of defaqto trust arrangement in place, a small share in an illiquid asset owned by the settlor and sole trustee is a really shitty trust asset to hold. If you are going to behave like there is a trust, even in the absence of a written deed, discount residential property as an asset out of hand.

OP - your choice here is simple, accept a lesser house, or risk irreparable damage to your relationship, and potential legal action if DD employs a lawyer that is half about.

It's not a trust fund. The money is in the OP's name. This is an example of an OP making it sound more dramatic than it is using the term, when it is nothing of the sort, leading to a load of wasted advice from well meaning posters.

What would a,lawyer do about the Op not giving her money to her daughter ?

Looking at trust law, a trust does not necessarily need to be written to be valid. If a lawyer successfully argued that the 3 certainties of a trust were in place, then DD may be able to chase the money and costs associated. A quick google search suggests it will be difficult, but its not completely impossible.

And posters not even reading all OP’s posts 🤷‍♀️😡

I think it's unlikely the Ops daughter is going to waste thousands of pounds that she doesn't have on employing an expensive solicitor to fight a case she's unlikely win...

Sue her mother? She's 19! I'd love to see a solicitor accept that case and a judge hear it. My family are solicitors mainly in wills and trusts.

I do have experience of trusts and there wasn't one. It's all should have, could have, would have.
The mother has fallen on reduced circumstances. The daughter is a madam.

I wouldn't take 15k of the money that's always been promised to DD (but in the circumstances I would be disappointed that DD isn't willing to consider gifting the 15k).
I also wouldn't extend myself to the extent required to buy that particular property as a single woman in my 50s - too much potential for disaster.
Find a smaller property, and if it doesn't happen to have room for DD when she returns from her travels, skint, then too bad.

If the choice between houses is honestly one where you would be happy versus very unhappy then I would use the £15k. This is the OPs long-term quality of life.

Yes, it is upsetting for the daughter but life circumstances change and the OP is no longer in the position to fulfil her generous gift.

I think she's being spoilt. She can either have the house in the nice area OR the full £30K but she can't have both. You need to make this really clear to her. £15K is still plenty to go travelling with. The money isn't a 'trust fund', it's a gift from you, and it's actually up to you how much you can afford to give her. She's being a bit of a princess, sorry.

She works and does plenty of overtime - I’m not happy with her attitude at the moment and would agree that she is bratty (my own doing given she is an only child after fertility struggles!) but I can’t say that she’s not a hard worker.

The consequences of this aren’t small. She’d be liable for 2nd home stamp when she eventually buys her own place. She’d lose the chance to benefit from any first time buyer stamp exemptions, and couldn’t use her LISA / Help to buy ISA. Depending on where they live, that could all cost more than the £15k

Is there any way you could repay the money by remortgaging once you’d bought the house, @BlueFlamingo55? That way you could tell your dd that the money is borrowed but will be repaid to her.

One other thought - can you take her to visit the house, and a house that you’d be able to afford without the money from her ‘trust’ - give her a very real example of what difference the money will make to both your lives - and be clear “Without the £15K, we will have to live in a much worse area/house”.

Yes, unlikely, but not entirely impossible. In any case, there is much better chance that there will be damage to the relationship that will be difficult to repair.

OP we did something very stupid in the crash. Our mortgage doubled. We could sell our house and keep our children in their private school or pull them out and keep our house. We choose the former as our son went into deep decline over leaving his friends. Did it pay off? No we lived for years in expensive rentals where we were abused to the point of stalking.
Our son has done well career wise but he's entitled and not always kind. Tbh he is a manipulative person. Conversely our daughter would give me her last £10. Over privelage and consulting kids on adult matters isn't a good idea. We are moving for financial reasons and I will buy in a good area over the size of the property. We have to sell due to my health but luckily I picked well this tine. We've made an above average profit.

Also any inheritance to one spouse does not become a family asset unless or until that spouse puts it into the family pot - eg pays off a mortgage - goes into joint account - then it is divided equally if it still exists and/or cant be retrieved.

If a spouse keeps the inheritance cash or asset in a separate account in their name only it is 'family assets' and not up for dividing on divorce.

You will cause a rift with your DD. You should never have told her about the money unless you were sure to give it to her. I appreciate circumstances change, which is why you should have kept the knowledge of the money to yourself.

My family has a history of this, changing inheritances/giving money then saying it was a loan etc and it's one of the reasons I've mentally pulled back from them. Not the money itself, I don't need it but it's like having the rug pulled and insinuates others are more important than you are.

Your DD is an adult now so just give her the money. Either she can choose to buy a property with you or she moves out and you can find a cheaper, smaller property for yourself. I have money set aside for my children but they won't be aware of it until I'm ready to give it to them, or at the very least if they were making plans which the money would make a difference to.

FWIW if you hadn't told her about it, I would be in agreement to use it. It's just the fact she knows.

having seen your update, it is your money you were saving for DD. Your dad left it to you so you could make both your lives more comfortable.

In that case, I think I would use it for the house purchase..but I would have a good discussion with her first and get her to see how it benefits her... also remind her that she will inherit the house which will be worth a lot more plus any life insurance... She still has £15k but with the added advantage of a nice home. You could always remortgage when the time is right if she needs it ... or carry on saving into that account.

A 20 year old doesn't need immediate access to £30k.

If things were the other way around and you had £30k and she needed £15k for a house purchase, I am sure you wouldn't think twice about helping her. Remind her of that.