Bereavement muddled up with MIL

[SpoodenWoon]

Advice needed please x

My DF died three months after my wedding when I was six months pregnant with my first baby. He was an alcoholic however his death was out of the blue.

The morning after DF died, my MIL came to mine and DH house. I am quite introverted, and DF’s death was so fresh that I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. DH let MIL know how I felt, she said she understood and we parted on good terms.

However we spoke on the phone the next day and MIL was angry. I wrote down what I could remember of what MIL said when I went to bed that night: “How dare you ask me to leave your house? How dare you? I should have just met my son today...Everything is always all you, you, you. You do something round the house for once...Think about someone else for once in your life...I know your dad has just died...Amazing you asked me to leave and then 24 hours later one is ready to lay on a lunch for one’s aunt [DF’s sister came to visit me the next day]...You want space, you’ve got plenty of space...Go and walk around that garden of yours." Etc.

I felt crushed. DH said that MIL behaviour was not acceptable, but that he agreed with what she said, especially about housework, and that it was just bad timing. There have been other events where MIL fell out with/ didn’t speak to DH / me, eg didn’t speak to me on our wedding day and didn’t speak to DH and me for a while after DS was born but conscious this is already so long.

I still see MIL and I love DH dearly but I don’t know how to move on from this.

YABU - You need to let this go and move on. Not a big enough deal.

YANBU - What happened was not ok.

Thank you x

There isn't really enough information to make a decent decision, it sounds like a very small snapshot of something without much context. She sounds completely unreasonable, but if your DH agrees with what she says, have she got a point in some regard?

What is the housework issue about?

Your MIL is a twat

So your father died and your dh wants you to do more housework? And thinks it's ok to discuss it at that particular point in time?

What a knob

My question is why didn’t MIL say any of this in front of DH at the time and only on the phone to you the next day? Is it because she knows he wouldn't accept her behaviour and would side with you? Or had she spoken with DH since she left which gave her ammunition? Which could be when he complained about the housework particularly, maybe.
I'd advise you to speak to DH first.
Unless this can be sorted out, DH has a responsibility to shield you from MIL and her abusive behaviour.
However, it sounds as though he is also a victim of her abuse too. Who doesn't speak to the DS on their wedding day?
MIL sounds jealous and bitter. More space the better. Talking from experience.

Your DH has clearly been complaining to her that you don't pull your weight. Whether that is true or not, I cannot say, but I can say he has not got your back if he is whining to his mummy that his wife isn't doing enough. And allowing said mummy to berate you within hours of your dad dying. Having your aunt, sister of your dad for lunch was supporting each other in your time of need. Your MIL is a bitch, and your DH doesn't seem much better on the face of what you have posted.

Didn’t you post this exact thing not that long ago OP, as an example of how problematic your relationship with your MIL is? What advice did you get on that thread, and was any of it useful? Did you share it with your DH?

Apologies if that wasn’t you, but the scenario here is identical.

It’s fairly classic narcissist parenting to make a huge fuss at any family event or life event and make it about them. Your wedding, your very current bereavement…etc.

Do you not do housework?

Tbh id leave such a useless husband. His mil is overbearing and rude

Yanbu but agree with pp, we need more info

Your husband sounds like he speaks badly about to your awful MIL.

I wouldn't want to be around her and I would be rethinking my marriage.

He sounds disloyal which is so unattractive.

Your DH must be constantly moaning about you to his mum. He isn’t your supporter

To those asking, yes I do / did housework. We were both working full time then (have since had DCs). Probably would have done more if I hadn’t had the stress of looking after my dad in his final few months / weeks but I definitely did hw

If you want to continue your relationship, then I would tell your DH exactly how you feel, and that what his mother did at that time was unforgivable, to the degree that you simply can't stop thinking about how nasty she was! I would also tell him that the fact he piled in too, knowing how miserable you were after the death of your Dad, was extremely hard to take, and that next time she is rude to you, and he takes her side, your relationship is over. Her behaviour at your wedding was completely unacceptable too. If you decide to stay with him, I'd cut her dead. Go out if she's coming over, or turns up unexpectedly, and if your DH continues to go telling tales to Mummy, then I'd be getting rid of him too.

If my MIL had spoken to me like that, I'd have told her to fuck off and not had anything to do with her again. If your husband agrees with her, I'd have told him to fuck off too. You seem curiously passive in this OP, where is your anger? How bloody dare they behave like this when you'd just lost your dad? I'm frankly baffled that you have stayed married to a man who backed up his mother being so vile to you.

Well she sounds very hard work but your husband doesn't sound much better. I wouldn't have anything more to do with her.

Thanks Endofyear. Tbh I have stripped details back a lot to just try and keep to the facts of what happened as I am concerned about anonymity. I did previously post my situation as a pp has rightly commented but I had the post taken down as I was too worried about the potential repercussions of someone from MIL family seeing it (they’re highly enmeshed and side with her no matter what). You’re right to ask where my anger is. It’s been eating me alive since this all happened, have gone over it in my head 1000 times as I’m still in disbelief that someone would behave this way. I’ve spoken to more than one therapist about it all and the anger has made me ill. I’m trying to figure out my next step as I don’t want to go on living with this feeling.

she is awful. I doubt you’ll change her mind or her reaction to you so the best you can expect is yelling DH that you want/expect him to show up to support you and you want to be on the same page.
if you can keep it cordial with her then do so, but largely have a ‘your parent so you’re the host’ rule.
if you feel like you want the apology I think the best way is via DH (not that you can’t speak for yourself, just that he’ll likely be seen as someone she doesn’t want to push offside and so might listen to).

Ah. She is a nightmare. Selfish and very very rude.
I could not have someone like this in my life.
You were in a very vulnerable place and she created additional hardship for you. She is a terrible person to speak this way to someone who has just lost a parent, there’s no excuse.
I’d tell DH you’re taking this extremely seriously and won’t be in contact with her. You may also consider separation if he cannot support you. Even if it’s his mother he should recognise her treatment of you is appalling.

Of you aren't used to people behaving like this it can wind you a bit when it happens.
In terms of what you do - mentally you file her as someone you do not trust under any circumstances. You may make the choice to tolerate being around her for your husband's sake but you just tolerate her. You outwardly follow whatever the conventions are but you expend zero headspace in second guessing her opinions about anything. Eg if you are a card sending family, you might send a card because that fits with how you and husband behave, but you do it with a matter of fact / brisk demeanor. You don't agonise over the picture or the wording. The only way you can win the mind games is not to play.
If you decide to see her, do it on terms that suit you. If that means you see less of her, great! You mentally cut off any longing for her approval. Get your approval and support elsewhere. She is separate from your life even if you maintain contact.

You can ask whoever you want to leave your home. That can include your parents, your husband’s parents, a salesperson. It is your home and you do not need to have it open for whoever feels like they have a right to drop in.

When you are grieving, especially for a sudden bereavement, you choose who you spend time with. It’s natural to want to be near those who knew the person you’ve lost. It’s natural for you to want to be with your aunt and for your aunt to want to be with you. You both want to share memories of your dad. That doesn’t involve your MIL in any way.

If your DH is moaning to his mummy that you’re not doing enough housework while you care for your dying father and are six months pregnant, I don’t really think the ‘D’ belongs in DH.

Thank you. I remember she didn't answer the phone to anyone when one of her dogs died, which everyone respected.

I remember her telling me about an incident involving one of her adult children on a family holiday and saying "We never kick people when they're down or vulnerable in this family, that's never ok". I bit my tongue but immediately thought of my dad's death.

She’s a massive hypocrite. I would be raising this with your DH: what the heck was he doing agreeing with her re the housework when you were 6 months pregnant and your dad had just died? Find your anger and tell him!

I know, you're 100% right. I am scared of the consequences, that's the truth. DH repeatedly says 'Why do I have to be stuck in the middle?' The culture of DH/MIL family is things get 'forgotten', never mentioned again, swept under the rug. Crucially, MIL never says sorry. DH did confront her a few months after it happened to say "Why won't you just apologise to SpoodenWoon?" and she said "I don't need to." When I've tried to bring it up again, I get called angry, holding a grudge, why can't you just let it go, it's important to be forgiving, are you still thinking about all that, ad infinitum. For the people that have grown up in that culture it's normal to them (ie DH) which is what makes this impossible.

Yes, what was your DH doing saying oh he agreed about the housework when he knew you had been caring for your dying dad?! Can’t get past this.

How would he feel if you complained to members of your family that he went whining to his mum while your dad was dying and you needed support? And they phoned and told him what a dick he was? And you said you agreed with them?

I am shocked by your DH saying he agrees with what she said. The only possible area I would think he could agree with might be the house work (if that is fair which I have no idea about). However, even this would never be OK to bring up when you were newly bereaved and it is not something she should ever bring up, it is for you and your husband to discuss. Maybe your husband has been conditioned to accept her unacceptable behaviour.

To be honest she sounds quite toxic. I know a few people who do not appreciate how hard bereavement is, either as they seem to not understand grief or they cannot stand not being the centre of attention.

I would think you need firm boundaries with her. I would also want to have a frank conversation with your husband about what he said and how you can support each other better.