Bereavement muddled up with MIL

[SpoodenWoon]

Advice needed please x

My DF died three months after my wedding when I was six months pregnant with my first baby. He was an alcoholic however his death was out of the blue.

The morning after DF died, my MIL came to mine and DH house. I am quite introverted, and DF’s death was so fresh that I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. DH let MIL know how I felt, she said she understood and we parted on good terms.

However we spoke on the phone the next day and MIL was angry. I wrote down what I could remember of what MIL said when I went to bed that night: “How dare you ask me to leave your house? How dare you? I should have just met my son today...Everything is always all you, you, you. You do something round the house for once...Think about someone else for once in your life...I know your dad has just died...Amazing you asked me to leave and then 24 hours later one is ready to lay on a lunch for one’s aunt [DF’s sister came to visit me the next day]...You want space, you’ve got plenty of space...Go and walk around that garden of yours." Etc.

I felt crushed. DH said that MIL behaviour was not acceptable, but that he agreed with what she said, especially about housework, and that it was just bad timing. There have been other events where MIL fell out with/ didn’t speak to DH / me, eg didn’t speak to me on our wedding day and didn’t speak to DH and me for a while after DS was born but conscious this is already so long.

I still see MIL and I love DH dearly but I don’t know how to move on from this.

YABU - You need to let this go and move on. Not a big enough deal.

YANBU - What happened was not ok.

Thank you x

Your post makes such sad reading OP. If I knew or suspected my daughter was being treated like this by her ILs /husband; I’d have fantasies about buying a gun. Sorry.
You sound so intelligent reading your posts, you must be capable of financially supporting your children I would have thought.
Is it the thought of co-parenting being more difficult with him alongside interference from the awful excuse of a MIL? Possibly a new step mother being involved in the future with your DC?
Have you ever had marriage guidance ? What would he say to that?
I’m not 💯 that’s an appropriate thing for you to do anyway with him, as he sounds abusive. He basically needs to learn to be a decent human being and I’m not sure how that is possible when his role model has been his vile mother.

She sounds like a classic narcissist. If so, you will never be able to reason with her or win an argument.

A narcissist will never say sorry, will always make themselves the centre of attention (especially at big family events), will lie, never accept responsibility and will do their best to provoke an argument. I know because my mother is one and I cut her off 30 years ago. THE best decision of my life!

The best course of action is to stop trying and remove contact with her as much as possible. If she's coming round to yours, go out. Use every excuse under the sun (doctors appointment, dentist, headache etc).

I would do your best to limit contact between her and your children as she will play divide and conquer with them (one will be a scapegoat and one will be a favourite).

There's no point in trying to convince your husband of this as he doesn't sound like he'll back you.

Also learnt how to 'grey rock'. She'll be desperate for an argument but grey rocking doesn't give her it and it will really piss her off knowing that she can't control you. That is your power over her and, in a way, revenge for the nasty things she's done to you. If she tries to start an argument, just agree with her or walk away or say "OK" with a shrug if the shoulders. She'll absolutely hate it! 😁

Simply do your very best to not engage.

And, finally, when a loved one of hers dies, go round to her house the next day without husband. Be a bitch to her and deny your behaviour to the rest of the family. Say that she must be so overcome with grief that she's imagining it. Perhaps she should see the doctor or is developing dementia...

I would've more likely to stay in a relationship with the husband because co-parenting will give her access to your kids without supervision from you.

And don't get involved in a my gift buying for birthdays/Xmas with anyone on that side of the family that backs her. It's now DH's problem and nothing to do with you.

Don't facilitate a relationship at all, especially not with your kids. Leave DH to manage that side of things.

Have you tried being “the voice of reason / the headmistress “ each and every time your husband says one of his awful statements? For instance, after he said what he did about being a “lazy fuck”, did you reply something along the lines of :
”well that’s a very unusual way of looking at that. Most normal and right-thinking people would think it entirely understandable if housework was neglected when caring for my dying father. However, you have no experience of that do you or even any insight how distressing that would be.”
I mean point it out each and every time. Let that truth drop. Let him think on that, sometimes awful husbands do reflect and start to watch their mouth. Just don’t expect him to behave the way you would inherently, his wiring is all wrong being brought up by a mother like his. Either role model correct behaviour to him, pick him up each and every time he says vile stuff, treat his mother like she’s dead to you or divorce him/ tell him to leave and only come back when he’s had some intense counselling and can see how callous he’s been.

His recent comments are unforgivable. To call a bereaved heavily pregnant woman “a lazy fuck” for not doing enough housework would be awful if it was a person on the street - but for your husband to make such a nasty comment? The person who is supposed to love you best of all?? That’s a showstopper all right and LTB territory.

Thanks again everyone. Some damning (and accurate) assessments here, so got a bit of a heavy heart today.

Psyching myself up to speak to him- consequences be damned. I’ve been walking on eggshells and avoiding discussing MIL which isn’t tenable long term.

The pp who commented would I be able to financially support DCs - if I went back to full time hours with them in nursery full time after fees I’d have £1000 a month to cover…. Everything.

I’m jumping ahead a bit there. I want to suggest solo therapy for him first. Or separation.

I know you’re right - I just have cognitive dissonance applying it to myself. My brain tells me he was just aggravated as he finds his mum so stressful and he lashed out verbally. But if a friend / my daughter told me their partner had spoken to them like that… I know what I’d say.

He says he values it and will fight for it, and that you’re in it for the long haul…. but also, ‘he’ll never change, this is who he is, like it or lump it’s.

So basically he likes things as they are, he expects you to stay whether you are happy or not because he wants it as it is.

He doesn’t value a real marriage of equals. He values a wife who looks after the dc, socialises with his family, plays happy families and doesn’t complain. Not an equal, someone who expects respect. Just a side kick.

I feel as though he’s programmed you to put up with things done his way, just because. No effort to do things your way.

This is the key point. If my DH said this I would be done. If I couldn’t afford to leave him I would be making plans to do so when ready. I would not go near his family, I would not have sex with him, I would not wash his clothes. I would be saving up as fast as possible to get the hell out of there with my Dc.

I suppose I didn’t expect replies to be so unanimous. I felt I was being reasonable in thinking I had a fighting chance at saving the relationship.

I don’t want this family to split up 😞

This is not a family in its present form. It’s a fiefdom. You and the dc rank a long way behind him and his mum.

You are not splitting up a family. He is failing to recognise his family.

If it splits - it is because of his behaviour and his unwillingness to change - not you.

I’m sorry lovey. He’s been really awful. This is not your fault.

"You need to let this go and move on"

"What happened was not ok"

Both things are true. You do need to move on but that doesn't mean that it was ok.

Were the visits from MIL/Aunt planned or did they just pop round unannounced? I think that makes a difference to how the situations should have been handled.

Your MIL however, was overly harsh in her comeback and the timing was simply disgusting. No one with an ounce of decency would be lay in to someone who has just lost a parent

MIL told my DH she was coming round. But he never told me she was coming.

I knew aunt was coming as obviously I called her to tell her the news the day it happened and she told me when she’d be over to visit (she lives a couple of hours away).

‘MIL told my DH she was coming round’
a) she should have asked not told
and,
b) your DH should have declined the visit in the circumstances.
3 people in this scenario, 2 behaved appalling and neither of them were you OP.

Thanks to each and every person who commented. I’m so grateful. I’m going to speak to DH this week.