Bereavement muddled up with MIL

[SpoodenWoon]

Advice needed please x

My DF died three months after my wedding when I was six months pregnant with my first baby. He was an alcoholic however his death was out of the blue.

The morning after DF died, my MIL came to mine and DH house. I am quite introverted, and DF’s death was so fresh that I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. DH let MIL know how I felt, she said she understood and we parted on good terms.

However we spoke on the phone the next day and MIL was angry. I wrote down what I could remember of what MIL said when I went to bed that night: “How dare you ask me to leave your house? How dare you? I should have just met my son today...Everything is always all you, you, you. You do something round the house for once...Think about someone else for once in your life...I know your dad has just died...Amazing you asked me to leave and then 24 hours later one is ready to lay on a lunch for one’s aunt [DF’s sister came to visit me the next day]...You want space, you’ve got plenty of space...Go and walk around that garden of yours." Etc.

I felt crushed. DH said that MIL behaviour was not acceptable, but that he agreed with what she said, especially about housework, and that it was just bad timing. There have been other events where MIL fell out with/ didn’t speak to DH / me, eg didn’t speak to me on our wedding day and didn’t speak to DH and me for a while after DS was born but conscious this is already so long.

I still see MIL and I love DH dearly but I don’t know how to move on from this.

YABU - You need to let this go and move on. Not a big enough deal.

YANBU - What happened was not ok.

Thank you x

What do you want as you have an answer for everything and constantly defend him?

Not only did he not support you when your DF died, he allowed his mother to be repeatedly abusive to you and then blamed you for your reaction.

Appalling

Clarity. Divorce is an absolute end of the road last resort. I want to save my marriage at any cost.

Then no one can help you.

Funny how people who abuse others accuse the victim of not being able to move on, when they just don't want to be held account for what they've done.

You DH has lived with this woman, he knows this woman. He will never understand how angry/hurt/upset you are because he’s probably endured this behaviour over his entire childhood and “just got over it”.

You don’t have to just get over it. You are allowed to feel angry/hurt/upset.

I suspect your DH was also whining to his Mummy about the housework when you were pregnant!

You can’t move forward. He’s a cunt. She’s a cunt.

That will never change. Don’t live your life abused by the pair of them. Find your anger.

Even if that cost is that you shut up and submit for ever?

I don't know a single man in my close friendship group or family who would ever speak to anyone that way, never mind their wife.

There's no getting past it. She is a vile bitch of a woman and he is a spineless disloyal git. Divorce him and send him back to mummy, because he'll never have your back. This will be the rest of your life otherwise.

I'm so furious for you, OP, I'd like to have some words with him myself!

No… 😪

OP, I’ve just realised you said your dad died of alcoholism. Are you aware of the NACOA? Look it up. It might help you to see how being the child of an alcoholic can shape you.

By the way. Your MIL is awful and your husband crossed a line he may well cross again. How dare any man call his seven-months-pregnant wife a lazy fuck. It’s shameful behaviour on his part. What an arse.

When he said what he said on holiday it was the first time I’d seriously considered separating. I was so angry I couldn’t sleep that night.

Perhaps separation could help? Or an ultimatum? We’ve done counselling before so that wouldn’t act as ‘wake up call’ as we’ve done it.

I feel like I’m living a lie and it’s horrific 😞

Thank for you this. I’ve just started to process and think about how the alcoholism affected me. But I hadn’t heard about NACOA so thank you very much.

I reckon I have low self esteem and think it makes me put up with DH comments more than I otherwise would. I am always questioning if it’s me.

She is one horrible cunt.

“You were a lazy fuck, my mum just called you out on it.”

How dare he say that when you were 7 months pregnant and had just lost your dad? He is worse than his vile mother as he is your husband and is supposed to love and to cherish you.

He is not a good man. No good man speaks like that to anyone, never mind his wife.

You need to get rid. You deserve better than him. Much better.

The cost of saving your marriage will be your self esteem @SpoodenWoon.

He is not a good man who said something in the heat of the moment. At best - and this is being generous - he is a man who is damaged by being raised by a narcissist who was never held accountable for saying horrible and offensive things, so he thinks this is normal. At worst, and more likely, he’s an entitled arsehole who feeds off mummy ‘calling you out’ on things on his behalf.

If your self esteem is too low to want better for yourself because divorce is the thing you want to avoid most, rather than being abused for the rest of your life by this gaslighting pair of shits, then want better for your children.

Do you think your MIL won’t turn on them as well? Won’t mess with their minds? Do you think your husband will be any more emotionally healthy with them?

You’ve already been to counselling. You’ve seen his reaction to you saying you don’t want to be around his mother.

The only way to avoid divorce is to accept things will only get worse and your good man is actually your bully, not your MIL.

DH. I’ve been thinking really hard about the arguments we’ve been having.
You always say you’re stuck in the middle and that I’m carrying a grudge, so we never seem to actually sort it out.
So I’ve thought it through and worked out what the problem is. I’m not angry with your mum, I can let her behaviour ride, she doesn’t matter.
I’m angry with you. You let your mum attack me. You want me to let your mum carry on attacking me. You won’t let me protect myself by avoiding her. You actually sided with her.
I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. Tell me why I should!

If you are adamant that you want to stay with this man tell him that you are going NC with his mother and so are the children that way you are at least only putting up with him .

He apologised as he knows deep down that he is unbelievably out of line. His apology was manipulation to rein you back in.

As for him calling you "lazy as fuck". It wasn't just said in the heat of the moment though was it. He clearly bitched about you not pulling your weight to mil, when what he should have been doing was seeing if he could take more burden off you to help you through caring for your father. Instead he clearly resented you doing so as he had to pick up the slack.

As I said in my previous post, you're not a team and he clearly doesn't care about your emotions. The fact he has trotted it (you being "lazy") out now in an argument shows he still thinks it. Good men don't do this - when my grandmother was dying and lived 300 miles away my husband dropped everything and took me to see her so I could care for her in her final weeks. I don't hear a peeping my husband re housework. His only concern was supporting me and my family however he could.

Do you have any daughters OP? How would you feel if their future husband spoke to your child like your nasty husband has spoken to you ? Your Mil is also a vile and ignorant woman. No apology from her would ever be accepted; she’d be dead to me.

When you newly bereaved you have to do what you need to do. If that means not having people in your space, that is fine. If that means surrounding yourself with certain people (who may not be the ones you 'should' want to be with, that is also fine. If that means shutting others out for a while, that is fine.
Your MIL is being very unfair and your husband putting undue pressure on you by not sticking up for you.

When my beloved gran died I didn't want even family with me at some points. I just wanted to sit with my lovely friend in my church, and sob on her and let her hold me, as she was the only one I felt comfortable falling apart with. More so than family. Or I wanted to walk and walk with my dog (as he doesn't talk). The pressure I had to 'talk it out', 'you're not being fair on us' etc was dreadful and took me ages to process.

Thank you everyone. I have to be up early for work so will reply in the morning. I appreciate every post.

When I was seven months pregnant I was exhausted and came in from work and went to bed. My partner came in, fed me and tidied the house. When I lost a close family member it broke me and no I didn’t spend my time cleaning. My partner did because he supported and loved me, I never had to ask and he would never throw it back at me in an argument. Your husband needs to do better.

No, he is not a good man - a good man doesn’t treat someone like this.

There comes a point that people make choices about who they want to be. He is aware of his Mothers behaviour and has insight: he is choosing to be a complete dick, like her.

For me, it would be divorce. He doesn’t respect you. He thinks his Mum is right to be that way with you as he echoed the lazy comment.

Speak to anyone who has left a relationship like this, they don’t regret it. It’s repulsive that she has treated you like this and he has not only failed to protect you, he has attacked you for trying to protect yourself. He is an adult and responsible for his behaviour, it’s callous. Honestly, there are far worse things than breaking up a marriage. It actually doesn’t have to be that big a deal, there is life outside this horrible, gross family.