Page 4 | Bereavement muddled up with MIL

SpoodenWoon · 2025-07-21T19:18:51+00:00

Advice needed please x My DF died three months after my wedding when I was six months pregnant with my first baby. He was an alcoholic however his death was out of the blue. The morning after DF died, my MIL came to mine and DH house. I am quite introverted, and DF’s death was so fresh that I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. DH let MIL know how I felt, she said she understood and we parted on good terms. However we spoke on the phone the next day and MIL was angry. I wrote down what I could remember of what MIL said when I went to bed that night: “How dare you ask me to leave your house? How dare you? I should have just met my son today...Everything is always all you, you, you. You do something round the house for once...Think about someone else for once in your life...I know your dad has just died...Amazing you asked me to leave and then 24 hours later one is ready to lay on a lunch for one’s aunt [DF’s sister came to visit me the next day]...You want space, you’ve got plenty of space...Go and walk around that garden of yours." Etc. I felt crushed. DH said that MIL behaviour was not acceptable, but that he agreed with what she said, especially about housework, and that it was just bad timing. There have been other events where MIL fell out with/ didn’t speak to DH / me, eg didn’t speak to me on our wedding day and didn’t speak to DH and me for a while after DS was born but conscious this is already so long. I still see MIL and I love DH dearly but I don’t know how to move on from this. YABU - You need to let this go and move on. Not a big enough deal. YANBU - What happened was not ok. Thank you x

Original poster

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:37

myplace · 01/09/2025 23:12

DH. I’ve been thinking really hard about the arguments we’ve been having.
You always say you’re stuck in the middle and that I’m carrying a grudge, so we never seem to actually sort it out.
So I’ve thought it through and worked out what the problem is. I’m not angry with your mum, I can let her behaviour ride, she doesn’t matter.
I’m angry with you. You let your mum attack me. You want me to let your mum carry on attacking me. You won’t let me protect myself by avoiding her. You actually sided with her.
I don’t know if I can trust you anymore. Tell me why I should!

Thank you. This is spot on.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:40

mummytrex · 01/09/2025 23:13

He apologised as he knows deep down that he is unbelievably out of line. His apology was manipulation to rein you back in.

As for him calling you "lazy as fuck". It wasn't just said in the heat of the moment though was it. He clearly bitched about you not pulling your weight to mil, when what he should have been doing was seeing if he could take more burden off you to help you through caring for your father. Instead he clearly resented you doing so as he had to pick up the slack.

As I said in my previous post, you're not a team and he clearly doesn't care about your emotions. The fact he has trotted it (you being "lazy") out now in an argument shows he still thinks it. Good men don't do this - when my grandmother was dying and lived 300 miles away my husband dropped everything and took me to see her so I could care for her in her final weeks. I don't hear a peeping my husband re housework. His only concern was supporting me and my family however he could.

Your DH sounds great. There's a feeling of scorekeeping and things being conditional with mine.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:42

27pilates · 01/09/2025 23:16

Do you have any daughters OP? How would you feel if their future husband spoke to your child like your nasty husband has spoken to you ? Your Mil is also a vile and ignorant woman. No apology from her would ever be accepted; she’d be dead to me.

I do have a DD and have thought this very thing. Thank you for raising it. It really helps me get perspective on it. If my DD's future partner said these things to her I would be raging.

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Original poster

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:45

I'm scared to do it but I'm going to speak to him. My point now is that I had already made peace with the MIL situation, it's actually DH that is the problem now. I'm scared of his reaction, scared of being left, scared of leaving, scared of the turmoil this will cause. My two DC are everything and trying to figure out what it would be like.

OP posts:

Truffleshuffle84 · 02/09/2025 07:47

The "my son" shit is a massive MIL red flag

sittingonabeach · 02/09/2025 07:49

Would you be raging if your son said this to their partner?

Your DC will be seeing how he treats you

PigletSanders · 02/09/2025 07:49

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:45

I'm scared to do it but I'm going to speak to him. My point now is that I had already made peace with the MIL situation, it's actually DH that is the problem now. I'm scared of his reaction, scared of being left, scared of leaving, scared of the turmoil this will cause. My two DC are everything and trying to figure out what it would be like.

You’ve been conditioned to feel like this, by your H, so he and his mother can abuse you freely, and you just put up with it. They want you anxious and unsure, it makes you put up with a lot more.

tryingtobesogood · 02/09/2025 07:54

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:45

I'm scared to do it but I'm going to speak to him. My point now is that I had already made peace with the MIL situation, it's actually DH that is the problem now. I'm scared of his reaction, scared of being left, scared of leaving, scared of the turmoil this will cause. My two DC are everything and trying to figure out what it would be like.

Can I ask, what would you do if you weren’t afraid?

Original poster

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:58

tryingtobesogood · 02/09/2025 07:54

Can I ask, what would you do if you weren’t afraid?

Show quote history

Tell him to pack a bag.

And not contact me until he'd had a year of therapy discussing what's happened / his mother.

OP posts:

tryingtobesogood · 02/09/2025 08:02

I think that is the answer you are looking for.

Original poster

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 08:02

sittingonabeach · 02/09/2025 07:49

Would you be raging if your son said this to their partner?

Your DC will be seeing how he treats you

I'd be furious and be having serious words with him.

I know. That's my worry. I do no want that in any way.

OP posts:

myplace · 02/09/2025 08:05

What are you more afraid of, the concept of your family splitting or his behaviour?

Because if you are afraid of his reaction, then I suspect he’s actively abusive and keeping you in line through fear.

nomas · 02/09/2025 08:05

SpoodenWoon · 01/09/2025 21:59

Don’t know if anyone is still here but update…. It all came up on holiday a few weeks ago. DH mentioned doing a holiday with my in laws next year and got really annoyed that I didn’t seem super enthusiastic (for obvious reasons). I said there’s a lot of unresolved feeling around MIL’s behaviour and he shrugged it off saying “She only spoke to you like that twice [wedding and when my DF died]”. I said it’s been a lot more than twice and anyway that shouldn’t matter.

He was increasingly agitated by the conversation and when I reiterated that when MIL shouted at me about not doing enough housework the day after my DF died I was 7 months pregnant (and had been looking after my DF during his last days), he said, and I quote, “You were a lazy fuck, my mum just called you out on it.”

I just left the room at that point and went to bed. He did apologise the next morning but I still have it on my mind and think I need to speak to him about this. Feel like it’s not even MIL that’s the problem any more as I’ve made peace with never getting an apology from her. The problem is now the fact that he would speak to me like that.

Any advice on approaching this?

I think use this opportunity to tell him that you will not be going on holiday with MIL ever and he should think very hard if he really wants a marriage where you call each other a ‘lazy fuck’ and what kind of marriage that will result in. Tell him that you are not his whipping dog and his actions will have consequences.

Original poster

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 08:11

myplace · 02/09/2025 08:05

What are you more afraid of, the concept of your family splitting or his behaviour?

Because if you are afraid of his reaction, then I suspect he’s actively abusive and keeping you in line through fear.

I'm terrified of my family splitting.

He's often said things like 'If you don't like my behaviour then leave / be with someone else / this is who I am' etc, so I fear that if I raise this unhappiness his answer will be 'Let's call it quits then.' Because I want to work on it and resolve it if at all possible. I feel like his pride wouldn't let him and he'd just end it.

Maybe he'd surprise me.

OP posts:

myplace · 02/09/2025 08:14

You can’t stay with someone who behaves badly because they don’t want to change. Possibly despite them not changing, but not because of it!

Work out what you want. Work out what he needs to do to protect your marriage. You can’t make him, unfortunately. He may just not value it as you do.

Original poster

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 08:14

Truffleshuffle84 · 02/09/2025 07:47

The "my son" shit is a massive MIL red flag

Agreed. It's also a drop in the ocean.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 08:17

myplace · 02/09/2025 08:14

You can’t stay with someone who behaves badly because they don’t want to change. Possibly despite them not changing, but not because of it!

Work out what you want. Work out what he needs to do to protect your marriage. You can’t make him, unfortunately. He may just not value it as you do.

He regularly talks about how he'd never, ever divorce me, how we're 'in it for the long haul', how we may argue but he'd never break up etc. I think he values our marriage but he can't rationally see the effect MIL has had on him. It's massive.

The fact that he'd be so defensive of her terrible behaviour says it all. He has massive doublethink going on.

OP posts:

Original poster

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 08:21

nomas · 02/09/2025 08:05

I think use this opportunity to tell him that you will not be going on holiday with MIL ever and he should think very hard if he really wants a marriage where you call each other a ‘lazy fuck’ and what kind of marriage that will result in. Tell him that you are not his whipping dog and his actions will have consequences.

Show quote history

What's crazy is that I've already been on multiple, weeks' long holidays with MIL and wider family since it all happened.

I was willing to just bite my tongue / grey rock her.

And he's still annoyed, because I'm not hopping and skipping smilingly to the next group holiday.

OP posts:

Hadalifeonce · 02/09/2025 08:41

I was married to someone who often said if I don't like, I know what I can do.
I realised, it was just a way for him to behave however he wanted with minimal objection from me.
Eventually, I had had enough, and thought about how my life would look in 5 years. I realised it would be exactly the same.
When I summoned up the energy to tell him I was finished as I was deeply unhappy he had no idea and told me he didn't understand as he was happy.

I am so pleased I left, it made me think about what I should accept from a relationship.

Original poster

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 10:00

Hadalifeonce · 02/09/2025 08:41

I was married to someone who often said if I don't like, I know what I can do.
I realised, it was just a way for him to behave however he wanted with minimal objection from me.
Eventually, I had had enough, and thought about how my life would look in 5 years. I realised it would be exactly the same.
When I summoned up the energy to tell him I was finished as I was deeply unhappy he had no idea and told me he didn't understand as he was happy.

I am so pleased I left, it made me think about what I should accept from a relationship.

Do you have DC? What was his response / Did your ex try to save the marriage?

OP posts:

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 02/09/2025 10:08

SpoodenWoon · 01/09/2025 21:59

Don’t know if anyone is still here but update…. It all came up on holiday a few weeks ago. DH mentioned doing a holiday with my in laws next year and got really annoyed that I didn’t seem super enthusiastic (for obvious reasons). I said there’s a lot of unresolved feeling around MIL’s behaviour and he shrugged it off saying “She only spoke to you like that twice [wedding and when my DF died]”. I said it’s been a lot more than twice and anyway that shouldn’t matter.

He was increasingly agitated by the conversation and when I reiterated that when MIL shouted at me about not doing enough housework the day after my DF died I was 7 months pregnant (and had been looking after my DF during his last days), he said, and I quote, “You were a lazy fuck, my mum just called you out on it.”

I just left the room at that point and went to bed. He did apologise the next morning but I still have it on my mind and think I need to speak to him about this. Feel like it’s not even MIL that’s the problem any more as I’ve made peace with never getting an apology from her. The problem is now the fact that he would speak to me like that.

Any advice on approaching this?

OP he sounds vile!!
My sister died 7 years ago when she was 21. She had been ill but her death was very sudden and I was in pieces.
My DH ran a business and as I was back and forth between my house and my family's house our housework did suffer. Do you know what my DH did? He hired a cleaner. He didn't call me lazy or call me nasty names when I was very vulnerable.
Good men are out there and this man is not one of them.

Hadalifeonce · 02/09/2025 10:13

Thankfully, we didn't have DC, I had fought against it. He didn't try to save the marriage, largely, I think, because he couldn't believe I would go through with it. Once I made the decision, it felt like a huge weight was lifted from me.

Hedgedone · 02/09/2025 10:14

He truly is vile.
I feel so sorry for you, but even more so for your children.

You and they are all being abused.
This is not normal, but you have made it yours and their normal.

You all deserve so much better than this vile man.

Givenupshopping · 02/09/2025 10:55

SpoodenWoon · 02/09/2025 07:58

Tell him to pack a bag.

And not contact me until he'd had a year of therapy discussing what's happened / his mother.

Show quote history

Then this is what you NEED to do OP!

If you were to suddenly get a terminal illness, would you want to have wasted your life on a man who treats you so badly?

I know breaking up a family feels incredibly scary, but we have to face our fears, not just live a life of misery because we're scared. How many times have you been scared to do something before, maybe going back to school after the holidays, or starting your first job, perhaps the first time you travelled anywhere on your own, the fact is, we all have to face things we don't like the idea of, or are scared of, but we HAVE to do it.

If you were faced with a life threatening illness like cancer, would you refuse treatment just because you were scared, or would you face your fears in the hope that the treatment would save your life?

Can I suggest that you read the book, 'Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway' by Susan Jeffers. If you don't want to actually read the book, just Google the phrase 'Feel The Fear & Do It Anyway', and then read some of the stuff that comes up. I just did this, and this is one of the things I read:

'Fear grows with inaction, and action cures fear. Psychologists have discovered that we often build up fears in our mind to be worse than the actual thing itself. The longer we avoid the fear, the more it grows. This is why exposure therapy (gradually exposing yourself to the thing you fear) is the number one treatment for phobias. Pushing through fear is usually less frightening than living in a constant state of anxiety and helplessness'.

You've faced your fears as you've grown to be the person you are today, you CAN do this, and I promise you, your life WILL BE BETTER without this man in it making you constantly doubt yourself.

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 02/09/2025 11:04

I'm so sorry you're in this dilemma @SpoodenWoon

Your husband needs to be called out on his appalling behaviour. I'm not sure how your marriage can survive the insults.