Bereavement muddled up with MIL

[SpoodenWoon]

Advice needed please x

My DF died three months after my wedding when I was six months pregnant with my first baby. He was an alcoholic however his death was out of the blue.

The morning after DF died, my MIL came to mine and DH house. I am quite introverted, and DF’s death was so fresh that I wanted to be alone with my thoughts. DH let MIL know how I felt, she said she understood and we parted on good terms.

However we spoke on the phone the next day and MIL was angry. I wrote down what I could remember of what MIL said when I went to bed that night: “How dare you ask me to leave your house? How dare you? I should have just met my son today...Everything is always all you, you, you. You do something round the house for once...Think about someone else for once in your life...I know your dad has just died...Amazing you asked me to leave and then 24 hours later one is ready to lay on a lunch for one’s aunt [DF’s sister came to visit me the next day]...You want space, you’ve got plenty of space...Go and walk around that garden of yours." Etc.

I felt crushed. DH said that MIL behaviour was not acceptable, but that he agreed with what she said, especially about housework, and that it was just bad timing. There have been other events where MIL fell out with/ didn’t speak to DH / me, eg didn’t speak to me on our wedding day and didn’t speak to DH and me for a while after DS was born but conscious this is already so long.

I still see MIL and I love DH dearly but I don’t know how to move on from this.

YABU - You need to let this go and move on. Not a big enough deal.

YANBU - What happened was not ok.

Thank you x

Well if you want to stay married then just don’t have anything to do with MIL or keep your distance.

No point dwelling on the past, you can’t change it. Just make sure your future is different.

Or, just split up 🤷‍♀️

She berated you like that 2 days after your father died?

She sucks as a human being and Bitch would be dead to me.

She imposed on your grief and when you asked her to leave, she took offense instead of realizing you just weren't up to socializing.

Your husband is a dick siding with her. This is a make or break moment for your marriage and a wakeup call for you. He puts pleasing mommy over pleasing his wife and that really needs to change. That she didn't speak to you on your wedding day and is often rude, she's toxic and he enables it.

It was up to him to facilitate the relationship between you and her and that he just takes her side over such a blatant shit move, your marriage is in deep trouble. He basically doesn't give a shit that your dad died and you're grieving, Mommy's wishes come first for him. She's his priority, not you, even in grief.

Time for marriage counseling. I don't know if that will change this really toxic dynamic, but you can try.

When I've tried to bring it up again, I get called angry, holding a grudge, why can't you just let it go, it's important to be forgiving, are you still thinking about all that, ad infinitum.

This is manipulation. Take this attitude / script:

“Yes, I’m fucking angry. I am still holding a grudge. I’ll never forget the way she spoke to me that day and how distraught I was. My dad had just died. Your family might be comfortable sweeping fucked up behaviour under the carpet, but I’m not. She showed me who she is that day and I’m still disgusted.”

You can opt out of his family stuff, you just have to toughen up and get comfortable with them not being “pleased” by you. Remind yourself “Not my circus, not my monkeys”. They are DP’s monkeys.

You only have one life, fill it with other people and activities.

You don’t need this woman in your life , it’s perfectly possible to stay married and not see your in-laws but you do need to know that your husband has your back , if he doesn’t then I’d ditch them all .

Why on earth did you bite your tongue OP? It was the ideal opportunity to pin her down, and tell her what a hypocrite she is!

Quite honestly I think your marriage is dead in the water, as your MIL is never going to change, and your DH has been conditioned to do whatever Mummy says, so life will always be like this if you stay. In my view, you might as well cut your losses, and move on while you're hopefully still young enough to build another life for yourself and your child.

I would be stepping away from her, block her so she can’t contact you it’s all done via DH. He can go and see her and take the child or if he invites her to yours he hosts, prepares everything, stays with her etc you just carry on doing what you need to do

I would also have a conversation with him around his agreeing with her re the housework, you were grieving and very pregnant, it’s simply not acceptable. He is to put you and your child before his toxic mother

I know, totally... For most people me saying something might have led somewhere however with the reading, learning, listening I've done about narcissists (and with therapists) over the past four years or so, I've learned that you cannot argue with one. They will never, ever change. You could show them photographic / video evidence of their actions and they would still plead innocence; not only that, in fact, but become the victim.

So ok maybe your house could have done with a tidy , but who the hell is she to pass comment on it , plus her son lives there so his responsibility to tidy as well .
Your father had just died , and who is she again that tells you how you should be acting / responding to it . She needs to fuck right off !
Sorry for your loss .

Agreed! Which is why I honestly think you'd do better to get out of this situation altogether. Unfortunately, someone I am close to, is in the thrall of a narcissist, and so I do know what they're like.

Don’t know if anyone is still here but update…. It all came up on holiday a few weeks ago. DH mentioned doing a holiday with my in laws next year and got really annoyed that I didn’t seem super enthusiastic (for obvious reasons). I said there’s a lot of unresolved feeling around MIL’s behaviour and he shrugged it off saying “She only spoke to you like that twice [wedding and when my DF died]”. I said it’s been a lot more than twice and anyway that shouldn’t matter.

He was increasingly agitated by the conversation and when I reiterated that when MIL shouted at me about not doing enough housework the day after my DF died I was 7 months pregnant (and had been looking after my DF during his last days), he said, and I quote, “You were a lazy fuck, my mum just called you out on it.”

I just left the room at that point and went to bed. He did apologise the next morning but I still have it on my mind and think I need to speak to him about this. Feel like it’s not even MIL that’s the problem any more as I’ve made peace with never getting an apology from her. The problem is now the fact that he would speak to me like that.

Any advice on approaching this?

I would divorce him

If my husband had said that to me @SpoodenWoon it would be the one and only time he did so because he would be an ex pretty smartish .

Sorry that you're going through this OP.

To be blunt, I think your marriage is the dead in the water. His complete lack of empathy and unrealistic expectations with the housewife he felt you should be doing when you were caring for your father at the end stage of his life is utterly unforgivable. I wouldn't be able to come back from it.

You're meant to be a team instead he's calling you Lazy because he feels you didn't pull your weight when you were going through a utterly horrendous time. He quite clearly does not have your back and has zero interest in giving you any emotional security.

Please understand that you deserve better than how you're being treated.

Jesus wept 🤦‍♀️ you don't need to speak to him about it, you need to leave him. The apple didn't fall far from the tree, did it! He sounds as vile as his mother. OP you deserve better.

It went through my mind when those words came out of his mouth. Should a husband speak like that about the mother of his children whom supposedly he loves, I don’t think so… even so he did apologise… Divorce is something I really want to avoid so I don’t know how to move forward.

Going to go back to what I said when you first posted and strengthen it. You have a profound DH problem. He complained to his mum that you were lazy at a time when he should have been looking after you. And now he has doubled down on that, including using abusive language. He is not a nice man. He is a misogynistic arsehole who thinks housework is woman's work.

Is this what you want for your life? And your children's?

WTAF!
Your DH is allowing your MIL to abuse you and in fact is using her to channel his abuse of you through

It's over, there is no coming back from this

I think I need a moment of radical honesty and to lay this all out to him. We have two DC under 4, I don’t feel able to leave … and he is messed up from his upbringing but a good man really….

" you were a lazy fuck"
No a good man does not say this

Absolutely not. I would just say that he totally does his fair share of housework.

But the language is crazy, you’re right. And the fact that he thinks what she said is ok.

Even in the heat of the moment?

(Although I don’t know why it was so heated. I was just reiterating why what she said to me hurt. It really triggered him. I think MIL had a massive impact on his childhood.)

A good man wouldn't say that to you, ever. He's not a good man.

“You were a lazy fuck” ?!

Repeat after me.
I deserve better.
Now tell yourself that constantly until you feel ready to leave that bastard.
🫂

His fair share when you were 7 months pregnant and caring for your dying father was everything you couldn't and didn't do. And to reassure you that housework didn't matter, your wellbeing and that of your unborn child were far higher priority.

If, big if, you don't think he is abusive, go to counselling with him. That in itself might help him realise you are serious about things needing to change.