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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off at my husband for making me miss out seeing an old friend on his birthday?

141 replies

Jessicoolaa · 21/07/2025 16:14

We went to bristol (where we used to live) for his birthday. He was given £400 by his parents for his present, and he wanted to buy 2 specific things that added up to £400, then take a look in one other shop we dont have where we live. We also planned to meet up with an old friend of mine afterwards who i havent seen in over 5 years, but she was only free until a certain time. I found a shop that do ear piercing so wanted to get a new piercing. Unfortunately this took longer than we expected but didn't impact the plan too much. He then needed a wee, so we went to the toilets, but he had a complete meltdown because he didnt like the toilets and couldn't go. We then had to walk about 1/2 mile the other way to find more toilets that he could use, but by the time we we'd done that it was getting late, and we had to either sacrifice going to the last shop he wanted or meeting my friend. I had to cancel on my friend because we had to go to the shop, whereby he saw nothing he liked. Am I being insensitive to his autism and selfish in thinking he should've let me see my friend, given he'd already spent £400 on himself, or should I have just dealt with it because I spent a lot of time in the piercing shop?

OP posts:
SilverHammer · 21/07/2025 23:13

Neither of you sound particularly nice people.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 21/07/2025 23:15

CaptainFuture · 21/07/2025 23:09

Why do posters always do this when others don't agree that they're the poor wronged ones?
The guilt trip attempt begins!

Show quote history

Exactly.

My sympathy wanes quickly when not only is an OP unwilling to admit any fault but throws in every possible cliched detail to get sympathy - no time for themselves due to childcare, being ND, worst husband ever.

Those things are all valid but they're such overused Get out of Jail cards here when someone doesn't want to take responsibility.

And I say this as an autist.

SallyDraperGetInHere · 21/07/2025 23:23

I think you’re frustrated that your Monday time to go to AA makes you feel guilty, and you’re both deprived of time off without the children of you each work a weekend day. So the problem is, as I see it, you (both?) overestimated what you could fit in on the day, and you lost out. I feel your disappointment.

Wolfpinkola · 21/07/2025 23:27

it sounds like the toilet thing pushed you over an edge?

Beeinalily · 21/07/2025 23:27

It just didn't work out this time. It's a pity, but nobody's fault.

Original poster
Jessicoolaa · 21/07/2025 23:36

Yabberwok · 21/07/2025 22:39

I'm very confused. His birthday. He had some money and wanted to spend it. You go out for the day kid free and you want to meet a friend?

You get an unscheduled piercing which takes a while. He enters a loo and, excuse the pun, it's a shit hole, so he wants to use a cleaner one (have you been in a gents loo? They can be dreadful, you often have to wade through a lake of piss to get to a unrinal).

But what really leaps out is the detailed breakdown of his parents gift and what he spent it on. I think that is at the root of your annoyance.

I think you're right. We are constantly scrimping and scaping to make ends meet. He never usually gets much from his parents for his birthday, and tbf we dont get much of anything from his parents at all, so we were quite surprised when they gave it to him. I guess im a bit annoyed that the one time they fork out for anything to do with us, its not to help with bills or our kids which they knoe we struggle paying for things, its so he can blow it all on frivolous tech that he doesnt need.
There was probably nothing wrong with the toilet, he just doesnt like it if there are too many noises or people, or he can't go in a cubicle to pee, or something else. Haha "wade through a lake of piss"

OP posts:
PullTheBricksDown · 21/07/2025 23:40

he doesn't like doing things by himself

That's the issue right there. You need to train him into the idea that he has to cope with this sometimes. Otherwise you're his mum too.

Foreverm0re · 21/07/2025 23:51

Birthdays really aren’t a big deal once you’re an adult. He had already spent the day shopping and spending his birthday money so I think you seeing a friend you haven’t seen in years would be more important than you going to one last shop.

Bunnycute23 · 22/07/2025 00:01

I've had my ears pierced as a celebration of everyone I've ever had sex with ever.

I can barely walk because of my heavily weighted earlobes.

CoastalCalm · 22/07/2025 00:05

I’d have just arranged to meet him when he was done

Bunnycute23 · 22/07/2025 00:08

CoastalCalm · 22/07/2025 00:05

I’d have just arranged to meet him when he was done

Amazing.

Comtesse · 22/07/2025 00:09

Does he have paruresis? There’s a lot of practical therapy that he could do to improve that, if so. It can be very restrictive, but it can be sorted out with some effort.

Hedgehogbrown · 22/07/2025 00:46

Do you mean DH, or DS? I'm not sure why you needing to accompany each other to every single thing for the whole day. You should have communicated earlier in the day that meeting the friend was a top priority for you and you were definitely going to go.

Him not wanting to do things on his own sounds exhausting, and he was selfish to spend his entire birthday money on gadgets for himself like a teenager, when you both have bills to pay. You need to communicate these things to him.

Ponderingwindow · 22/07/2025 03:04

OMG, you having ADHD makes this all make so much sense.

There comes a point when each of us who is ND needs to start taking some ownership of our particular weaknesses and manage our days around them.

your husband is picky about where he pees. He has to build in time for that.
you are going to try to cram in more than can possibly be accomplished in a day. You need to write down a realistic schedule before you start that includes travel times, time for a bit of spontaneity, and buffers for things to go wrong. Then you need to add longer buffers because you clearly have no sense of what can fit in a day.

im not trying to criticize. You can be incredibly intelligent, accomplished, and have your life together in multiple ways. When you are ND you have gaps.

I’ve got my own and I have worked very hard to develop mechanisms and rules to compensate.

Whynotjustengageyourbrain · 22/07/2025 03:09

I don't know why you're getting a hard time when your DH had a meltdown about going to the toilet, poor you. I don't know how you can live with someone like that. In future though, you should've gone to meet your friend and he should've gone to the shop.

Tourmalines · 22/07/2025 04:18

why bring his parents into it saying that they don’t help you with money, even though they know you struggle ? Complaining that they gave him a good amount on his birthday but you felt it was wasted . Maybe they wanted to treat him. ! But anyway , you still got a piercing !

Overthebow · 22/07/2025 06:43

YABU. It was his birthday, you decided to get a piercing which made you late as it went on longer. His only delay was finding a toilet he could use. You’re the one who made you miss your friend. If your friend was only available for a certain time you should have prioritized that and not got the piercing, it’s not essential.

PhilippaGeorgiou · 22/07/2025 07:50

This has to be a wind-up.

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 22/07/2025 08:02

I guess im a bit annoyed that the one time they fork out for anything to do with us, its not to help with bills or our kids which they knoe we struggle paying for things, its so he can blow it all on frivolous tech that he doesnt need.

You are angry at his parents giving him a birthday present rather than paying for your bills and children? And they were looking after your children?

If you get money for your birthday what do you do with it?

MooseAndSquirrelLoveFlannel · 22/07/2025 08:27

I mean, you can't whinge about him spending his birthday money because you are financially struggling and then also have gotten yourself a piercing. I haven't had a piercing since I was 9yo, but I'm going to hazard a guess that they are not free these days.

You tried to fit too much in. But its his birthday, so suck it up and move on.

ElectoralControversy · 22/07/2025 08:49

I'm going to madly miss the point here but how do you get Meta glasses AND an apple watch for 400 quid?

Yanbu to be frustrated he's blowing that kind of money on tech if you're struggling... I mean at least he didn't go into debt for it I guess?

ALPS100 · 22/07/2025 08:58

Well you didn't have a "child-free day" did you, you had a grown-up child with you.

Not sure why you enable and allow this behaviour.

He is controlling you and you appear to be allowing this. Does he work? If so, I bet he doesn't behave in this pathetic way there, showing he knows when to do it. You should have walked off and I am 100% sure he would have managed to wee wherever he had to. If not, tough luck.

Your poor friend, I hope they hadn't travelled to see you and already live in Bristol.

WhenYouSayNothingAtAll · 22/07/2025 09:11

Unless you’re his carer , you should’ve left him to it. Tbf, considering both your needs , you should’ve expected things to go wrong and time getting away from you , so it was up to you to prioritise your friend and say something , “I’ll go , but I’m leaving at 4 to meet Mandy.” and stuck to that.

Lilactimes · 22/07/2025 09:35

Sorry this post is truly irritating on so many levels.
Are married couples automatically joined at the hip?
they can’t split up occasionally and do separate activities? Or are you his carer? In which case why did you get a piercing and waste valuable time …

noworklifebalance · 22/07/2025 09:39

why did you get a piercing and waste valuable time …

…and valuable money? Particularly, if you had issue with him spending his birthday money on a birthday gift.