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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be pissed off at my husband for making me miss out seeing an old friend on his birthday?

141 replies

Jessicoolaa · 21/07/2025 16:14

We went to bristol (where we used to live) for his birthday. He was given £400 by his parents for his present, and he wanted to buy 2 specific things that added up to £400, then take a look in one other shop we dont have where we live. We also planned to meet up with an old friend of mine afterwards who i havent seen in over 5 years, but she was only free until a certain time. I found a shop that do ear piercing so wanted to get a new piercing. Unfortunately this took longer than we expected but didn't impact the plan too much. He then needed a wee, so we went to the toilets, but he had a complete meltdown because he didnt like the toilets and couldn't go. We then had to walk about 1/2 mile the other way to find more toilets that he could use, but by the time we we'd done that it was getting late, and we had to either sacrifice going to the last shop he wanted or meeting my friend. I had to cancel on my friend because we had to go to the shop, whereby he saw nothing he liked. Am I being insensitive to his autism and selfish in thinking he should've let me see my friend, given he'd already spent £400 on himself, or should I have just dealt with it because I spent a lot of time in the piercing shop?

OP posts:
nomas · 21/07/2025 19:26

YANBU. It sounds exhausting. Do you even enjoy spending time with him?

You need to prioritise yourself more and tell him what time you will be leaving.

Original poster
Jessicoolaa · 21/07/2025 20:24

For the record, we don't have Saturdays off, he works, and i work Sundays, so only days we have off together are Mondays, and then I have to go off and leave him with the kids while I go and meet my sponsor because I am in AA. I feel guilty enough for that without then asking him to watch the kids for longer than that while I go and get a piercing. But thanks for making me feel like shit guys, you've really outdone yourselves. Also I have adhd so not the only ND one in the relationship, and its fucking hard.

OP posts:
Zempy · 21/07/2025 20:27

I don’t understand. Why didn’t you go and meet your friend as agreed? He’s capable of walking, talking and shopping independently surely?

Original poster
Jessicoolaa · 21/07/2025 20:30

Because we would need to drive to meet her. And he doesn't like doing things by himself, he would say that im going off to meet her on his birthday when he wanted to spend time together. He doesnt seem to like doing anything by himself, besides pissing.

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 21/07/2025 21:29

Surely you aren't glued at the hip constantly and a piercing wouldn't take much extra time if you are out already. They are his kids too so why would you be feeling guilty for him looking after them? He is their parent too.

If you knew you needed to drive to another shopping centre (cribbs Causeway?) then you should have allowed more time and planned better. The piercing could definitely have been left out of this trip.

You both sound like hard work though.

steff13 · 21/07/2025 21:37

Well what is the distance from where you live to where you were visiting? Is it not something that you could just plan and go and do to visit your friend? I get that it was convenient because you were already going to be in the area but in the past 5 years you haven't managed to be able to plan a meet up?

SezFrankly · 21/07/2025 21:38

I’ve skipped straight to “add your message” as I’m sure there will be lots of patient virtuous comments here but I didnt need to read much more than the first sentence. I rarely find it unreasonable to be pissed off at husbands, be it yours or anyone else’s. Indeed, I’m often pissed off at men who haven’t even become husbands yet.

YANBU 😉

TiredMummma · 21/07/2025 21:43

Genuinely don’t understand any of this. You are an adult, could have easily taking the bus or taxi to the other shopping centre. Also Devon to Bristol is very easy - I have colleagues who commute for work - so you could visit any time? It was his birthday- it should be entirely about him for the full day.

SezFrankly · 21/07/2025 21:44

Jessicoolaa · 21/07/2025 20:30

Because we would need to drive to meet her. And he doesn't like doing things by himself, he would say that im going off to meet her on his birthday when he wanted to spend time together. He doesnt seem to like doing anything by himself, besides pissing.

I feel this pain. It's fucking hard being with someone who is so unbending in their demands, even if it isn't their fault. You're allowed to be annoyed and disappointed, even if it wasn't anyone's fault.

my advice, is allow yourself to be pissed off, try not to apportion blame/bear a grudge because that's just as unhealthy for you as for your relationship- and see if you can go another day, maybe couple it with a meeting with Bill Wilson beforehand and see your friend too.

x

CJsGoldfish · 21/07/2025 22:08

He didn't 'make' you miss out.
You chose not to go and meet your friend.

TheCurious0range · 21/07/2025 22:18

If the piercing only took 30 minutes you could definitely do that on a Monday before or after AA,. If your friend could only do before a certain time surely see her early in the day. I think given it was his birthday trip you should've picked either piercing time or the friend visit, as both together would've taken up a sizeable chunk of the day including driving to the visit.

I'm also not sure why you are asking if you are unreasonable but then reacting quite strongly to anyone who thinks you are. If you think you're right and don't want to hear other opinions why ask?

DiscoBob · 21/07/2025 22:25

You should've said you'll meet friend and he can go to the shop, then meet at the friend place it elsewhere a bit later.

It's unfortunate but trying to cram in lots of things into one afternoon in an unfamiliar town can often get complicated. It only takes one little thing to set your plan awry, as you saw.
Try not to dwell on it.

It's a shame he seems to be so sensitive about toilets but that's for another story I suspect.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 21/07/2025 22:33

You were late because you got the piercing. The fact that what he wanted to do happened later in the day and was therefore the thing you expected to be cancelled in order for you to see your friend does not make it the thing that stopped you seeing your friend. You didn’t need to get a piercing, you can do that another time, but you effectively chose to get the piercing rather than see your friend. Next time don’t try to fit so much in to one day. And go get a piercing on a Monday while he looks after the kids. If you do it first thing in the morning you’ll still have time for most of the day together.

Frostynoman · 21/07/2025 22:37

His birthday = his day.

First day solo since November implies both of your day. At this point, it seems you both should have chatted about expectations before hand.

Time blindness is also an issue and you could have divided and conquered to do the loo, last shop and friend.

From scanning the rest of your posts you seem quite reactive and uneasy about taking responsibility for your actions and wants here.

CandyCane457 · 21/07/2025 22:39

How much time had you factored in to meet your friend ?
It can’t have been very long if, at the end of your day out you realised you either had time to go to one shop or meet your friend. Were you only planing on seeing her for 15mins or so anyway?

Yabberwok · 21/07/2025 22:39

I'm very confused. His birthday. He had some money and wanted to spend it. You go out for the day kid free and you want to meet a friend?

You get an unscheduled piercing which takes a while. He enters a loo and, excuse the pun, it's a shit hole, so he wants to use a cleaner one (have you been in a gents loo? They can be dreadful, you often have to wade through a lake of piss to get to a unrinal).

But what really leaps out is the detailed breakdown of his parents gift and what he spent it on. I think that is at the root of your annoyance.

IberianBlackout · 21/07/2025 22:40

I’m tired just reading this. You both sound difficult in your own ways but to be fair on him, it was his day.

Hippobot · 21/07/2025 22:47

You both sound like children tbh.

Umidontknow · 21/07/2025 22:49

So this was for his birthday? How much longer did it take for your peircing take? Sounds like that would take longer than looking for a loo. Are you joined at the hip? Why couldn't you have gone to meet your friend while he went to the shop? And what is wrong with him spending the £400 on himself when it was money gifted to him for his birthday?

Frazzled83 · 21/07/2025 22:58

As an aside… are you ND too?

brunettemic · 21/07/2025 23:02

I can just see your post in a few months/whenever your birthday is whining that he made it all about him…much like you did in his birthday.

MrsCarson · 21/07/2025 23:02

His birthday, not your day out. You could have waited for your piercing for some other day, that took time away and made you miss your friend, not your Dh.

sandyhappypeople · 21/07/2025 23:07

You were unreasonable to bail on your friend because neither of you could manage your time appropriately. You had the WHOLE day to do everything.

But you definitely don't have any right to be angry at him, when it was your unscheduled piercing that threw everything off.

You should have split up at the end.

CaptainFuture · 21/07/2025 23:09

Jessicoolaa · 21/07/2025 20:24

For the record, we don't have Saturdays off, he works, and i work Sundays, so only days we have off together are Mondays, and then I have to go off and leave him with the kids while I go and meet my sponsor because I am in AA. I feel guilty enough for that without then asking him to watch the kids for longer than that while I go and get a piercing. But thanks for making me feel like shit guys, you've really outdone yourselves. Also I have adhd so not the only ND one in the relationship, and its fucking hard.

Why do posters always do this when others don't agree that they're the poor wronged ones?
The guilt trip attempt begins!

nocoolnamesleft · 21/07/2025 23:10

Still struggling to see why you had to get a piercing on his birthday.