Sister's wedding and no children invited

[BigSister1991]

My younger sister is getting married next year and no children (including family children) are invited to any of the wedding celebrations. We will have two children by then (aged 2.5 and 6 months). They are the only children in the family.

The wedding is 2 hours drive from our home and over 3 days - starting on Friday and ending on Sunday.

Our blood family only consists of my Mum and Sister and so I'm disappointed that my Sister would not want her nephew/niece there or want to include them in the day (and that there won't be any photos of them there). I work full time and weekends with my children are important to me and so I'm sad to have to spend 2 days away from them.

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

You did really well to attend any of it. That’s so soon after having a baby, you tried hard.

I similarly have a friend who banned children from her wedding, but now won’t attend any events without her children 😂 I invited her family of 4 to my youngest’s christening, she was very quick to jump in with ‘oh well if it’s just for us as a couple then of course we won’t be attending.’ I was like look closely, I’ve invited all of you, as I did to my wedding…you were the original one who banned children, never me! Always the first to moan when it’s the other way round 😂

Arranging childcare for a 6 month old for 3 days is ridiculous, you don't have to be a parent understand that.

Your only solution is your DH stays at home and looks after both kids, or you don't go and explain why.

If I was to play devil's advocate, I would imagine she didn't know about the 6 month old when the wedding was planned? If she did then I would ask her exactly what she thought you were going to do?

She will need to accept thar your kids aremore important than her wedding, and if she can't see why this is a huge problem, then you obviously can't be that close.

I really meant the day is about capturing the photos the bride and groom want, rather than for op to have a photoshoot of her dc.

I'm on op's side about the babysitting, but I'm just saying not being able to get her dc photographed isn't really a reasonable gripe or reason to have them included - not that there shouldn't be photos of them if they were there.

Yes but for people like op who just want to attend one day, it's asking a lot if they aren't allowed to decline the extra bits and padding.

I said in my post that I understand the reason for providing something extra for those who have travelled, but there shouldn't be an obligation or pressure to attend the whole dragged out performance over several days if you aren't from miles away.

My hope is that the OP’s sister is understanding that a three -day event isn’t going to work with a six-month old and accepts that the OP needs to step down as her MOH.

it would be different if the children were two and four, for example, then they could def. stay with grandparents/their Dad could miss the wedding, etc. , but at six months, most babies are attached to the boob! It’s especially awkward as it sounds as if the hotel doesn’t accept children either so her DH can’t be onsite with the baby for feeds.

I was a MOH when DD was two, I could do the job properly then and she was fine with DH.

It is about special treatment. There's a lot of learned helplessness when people have children. Oh, I can't possibly / how on earth / won't someone think of the children etc. There are ways round this issue for OP, lots have been mentioned, but OP seems to not want to entertain anything but her children being invited to the whole thing as this is the most convenient for her.

There's just a general lack of 'getting on with things', lots of moaning instead. As I said, if OP wants to make this work, she can. If she doesn't, that's fine - but own it, she needs to stop trying to make it her sister's fault.

Said by someone who probably had someone she could dump her kids on.

big family gathering, bit party, isn't it a bit nicer than an afternoon, early evening and off you go?

Many people actually enjoy weddings!

Special treatment? Understanding that people have kids?

surely it’s the sister wanting special treatment - being enabled to excludie people in her family just because they are young ?

True.

What if she just doesn't want to leave her babies because she likes being with them? Why should she be expected to?

You have the wrong poster. I love weddings. A 3/4 day epic is a bit much, though.

Of course when you have children you can still go out without them. I am a big believer in date nights with my DH, and I actually have attended 2 weddings of friends without my children (who are older).

This isn’t about practical arrangements, it is about somebody’s sibling, their actual family, completely disregarding their children, who are their family too. That is emotionally very hurtful to many people. There is no way I wouldn’t have invited my DH’s brother’s children to my wedding. They are very much a part of the family I am joining, and have now know for 16 years. Even if a wedding is child-free, exceptions are usually made for nieces and nephews and breastfeeding babies.

It's quickly done, and actually pretty standard.

Organise something for the day and night before - so you just don't abandon guests who are travelling, then the actual wedding, then an easy day the day after and a gathering the following day before most people leave. You have 4 days without even noticing.

That's fine if you don't have to think about a baby and a toddler, like the OP. I don't think it's "standard", I've been to many weddings, none have lasted 3/4 days. Even the Indian epic one

I think in fairness lots of people have child-free weddings because it is a different vibe. Not for everyone of course, but some people like the feel of an adult-only event; others like a multi-generational feel. I think that's personal taste and fair enough either way.

The issue is that if you choose the adult only style, I don't think its reasonable to expect people without full-time regular nannies to be able to drop everything for more than a day. And even those with full-time nannies might not like to leave such young children for that amount of time.

So the issue is really if you want the adult only vibe, go ahead - but don't decree three days of attendance is required. For a late afternoon wedding with an evening reception, perhaps expecting the babysitter crowd to slip out early, I think its quite reasonable - and usually quite an elegant, special evening that I really enjoy. But parents can't drop parenthood for days (plural) at a time.

Then that would highlight that this is first and foremost about what she wants. Her sister still isn't being unreasonable.

It’s not learned helplessness if you’re your child’s only source of food.

I wouldn’t have to think about it. With children that age I just wouldn’t go.

Weddings are long drawn out days anyway without it being spread over a few days and you’ll be pining for the baby/children in all that time.

Completely disregarding their children? How melodramatic.

That's not the only reason she's upset. It's upsetting to her that she may have to miss her own sister's wedding - a big milestone for a loved one, a gathering of all her nearest and dearest, and she might not be able to go at all.

People on these threads often say, "She's not unreasonable to have a child free wedding and you're not unreasonable to decline" - as if, with no one to blame, there can't possibly be a problem. Job done! But actually the emotional fallout is huge. There's a lot more to this than just "what's convenient on the day".

That's a big if. And there have been lots of suggestions about how to manage this. If OP wants to make it work, she can.

She doesn't have to miss it. She might to choose to, but it's highly unlikely it will be impossible to attend. And if she can't, she can't - it's not her day.

The sister MAYBE being unreasonable, but experience has taught me that you cannot make other people do what you want them to.
The situation is that the OP's DC have NOT been invited and the hotel does NOT cater for children in any way.
It is therefore up to the OP, how she intends to manage this.
There are several options.
a) Dont go at all, and drop out of being MOH
b) go to some of the 3day event if possible, leaving DH to look after DC. (If the OP does not like that then this is not an option).
c) Go to it all, and either get DH to look after DC, or find someone else to look after DC.
Personally, I would go for option b, leaving DH with kids; avoid the hotel, and go just for the ceremony, photos, and possible any canapes before main reception.
This will still be difficult if the OP is EBF, but if this cannot be accommodated, then, option a is best.

It's not unreasonable to want to be with your baby.