Sister's wedding and no children invited

[BigSister1991]

My younger sister is getting married next year and no children (including family children) are invited to any of the wedding celebrations. We will have two children by then (aged 2.5 and 6 months). They are the only children in the family.

The wedding is 2 hours drive from our home and over 3 days - starting on Friday and ending on Sunday.

Our blood family only consists of my Mum and Sister and so I'm disappointed that my Sister would not want her nephew/niece there or want to include them in the day (and that there won't be any photos of them there). I work full time and weekends with my children are important to me and so I'm sad to have to spend 2 days away from them.

The expectation from my Mum and Sister is that me and my husband attend the wedding without our children without complaint and sort and pay for any childcare arrangements that are required.

Can't your husband look after the kids while you attend?

I'm curious if the people who bar children from weddings would also bar friends/ family with intellectual disabilities, because the latter can have as much (potentially more) potential to be 'disruptive'. A wedding I attended had an adult guest (brother of groom) with learning disabilities who was noisier than any of the kids present, but to the groom's credit he was there.

goady much?

Yes but its not unusual to have children of immediate family but not children of the wider guest circle. There's a reasonable basis for delineation.

Anyway, its clear the bride doesn't want any children, related or otherwise. That's entirely her call, but I think the baby in particular is too young to leave for three days. Even in a hotel nearby, that's a lot of time with an unknown sitter, and if op is breastfeeding its a real juggle.

If I were you op, I'd go for the actual ceremony and as much of the main reception as the timing/travel/breastfeeding allows, but go home to your baby the same day. That's still an effort in itself; any more is imposition in your circumstances and not well thought through by your sister if she's expecting you to be there.

There's no need for it to get nasty. Just explain you are doing as much as logistics allow and say how disappointed you are that your circumstances don't allow otherwise. At that point its her issue ...

ETA I think these prolonged weddings that drag on for days are OTT myself.

Why? Genuinely why is it goady? It's a completely logical question. Why is it OK to ban one and not the other?

I didn't leave my dc for three days at that age even once they weren't breastfeeding.

I can't see the problem with leaving them with a sitter for the ceremony and a bit of the reception however.

I'm on the other side here. My best friend got married when my second child was 4 months old and said it would be no kids when I was pregnant. I left him for 4 days with my parents who had been looking after my eldest daughter since she was 3 months old and I had a great time! He was sleeping through the night, feeding well, and they loved it. So it depends on how your 6 month old is at that time and if in law's can cope with the baby at that age. Had there been any issues we were going to hire an air bnb near the hotel and my parents would have stayed there for the weekend and we would have come and seen them. Otherwise like other people have suggested, tag team, hubby in hotel nearby or you go alone and have a good time.

Cost of hiring someone for 3 days?

I'm not sure what you mean?

I wouldn't be leaving them for three days ... It's not ideal for the children and is simply unnecessary in terms of acknowledging the marriage. Wedding ceremony, toast, wedding "breakfast" and I'm done.

Can't be bothered with these "come and live with the bride and groom for a weekend" style weddings. Its attention-seeking and demanding and makes the whole even become a bit of a yaaawwn, not to mention an expense and a logistics headache.

Fine to put on something for those who have travelled far and want it, but demanding mums leave their babies for days on end is tedious.

ETA I've known several weddings get cancelled because the couple had just pitched the time and expense investment way too high for the guests to want to attend.

4 days! Wow, some of these weddings are massive, no wonder they're expensive.
The last one I went to had the church ceremony at 11.30am, sit down lunch was served at 1pm, then speeches, photos and magician. We waved the bride and groom off on honeymoon at 5pm. Loads of families with babies up to the very elderly. I don't think anyone had to stay in a hotel or find childcare.
Mind you, they're teachers so probably couldn't afford a massive shindig going on all day, never mind several.

Maybe I quoted the wrong person in which case I apologise. I was referring to the suggestion they pay a babysitter near the wedding venue who would presumably have to come and stay with them for the 3 days.

I suggested that. I did say, if she can afford it. I haven't noticed the op saying she can't. It's a one off and would mean she'll not be leaving the children behinf, just be out for periods of time and sleeping in the same place as them. I would have done that (had I been able to afford it), but nobody I knew had three day wedding celebrations back then except for 'Indian' weddings where kids were welcome.

It's also a long time for young children with someone you actually don't know - and they don't either.

I wouldn't be doing it.

There's no need for more than seeing her get married and sharing a celebration that same day. Job done.

Also, its not actually just babysitting that guests need to organise. Its pets that need feeding, gardens that need watering ... I don't know when brides started to get so needy.

I totally agree with you. Sorry for the misquote.

It reminds me of that song from The Greatest Showman: "Never, never, never, never enooooough."

For a mother with young children to attend for the actual ceremony and that same day should be more than sufficient.

Yes, I agree. It's ridiculous the expectations some couples put on guests.

@randomlemonsheep @ThatRubyMoose

If the OP is breastfeeding the baby, she’ll literally be the baby’s food source! She’ll need to be available to feed the baby every few hours, there’s no choice in that.

I think you’ll have to do what others have suggested, perhaps have your DH and children stay overnight locally somewhere and just attend the ceremony. It’s going to be awkward meeting up for feeds but what else can you do. Unless your baby will take a bottle and you pump? There’s absolutely no guarantee that this will work though as many babies refuse bottles.

Does your sister not know that bf literally means that the baby needs to be with their mother to eat?!

I think some brides think its super chic and sophisticated to throw a days-long event (with lots of instructions that drop out of the invitation as extra pages; or a website you need to peruse to find out what is expected of you and when).

I think its self-indulgent and actually slightly crass.

I do realise there can be a cultural element, which is different - but those weddings tend to be inclusive of all family, which changes the logistics a lot.

@BigSister1991 I think that you may need to suggest that she chooses a different MOH If you’re rushing off to bf, I don’t see how you can do it tbh.

Yeah I don't see how she can fulfil that role either. The sister is trying to write the baby out of the picture when the baby is very much in op's picture.

I reckon there is huge overlap between those groups. They probably have their engagement video plastered on social media too.

I can't see that from OPs posts? It's her assumption they expect her there for 3 days. And if anything it's OP that wants to go for 3 days and is expecting her children to attend so she can do that.

Is OP exclusively breastfeeding or could the children be left with DHs parents for example?

If ebf It's a very simple conversation that needs to be had.

"Dsis I'd love to come for the full 3 days, but as you can imagine I can't get childcare for that long with baby needing his feeds. This leaves two options, bring kids and I can come for the full 3 days, or I can leave them for the day so I'm there for the wedding day, what suits you best?"

If not ebf and grandparents are available and willing, then OP can attend. If she doesn't want to do so, that's fine, but she needs to own that as her choice.

they are not "banned" for a start, they are just not invited!

Why should they be invited in the first place? Why are parents so entitled they think the world should revolve around their kids?

It was your decision to breastfeed until 2. That's fine, but no one else needs to cater for it. You made the decision, you make the sacrifices - calling someone ridiculous for wanting something different is very arrogant.