What an insult !!!

[rosesarebeautiful7]

Been with partner 15 years 3 kids between ages of 1m and 8 ( all both of ours ) used to own a house together but he asked me to sign a prenup to make sure I didn’t get his deposit money, when we moved he brought me out ( 7k ) and I didn’t go on the next mortgage, fast forward to 3 kids and many years later I’ve said I’ve got no security, it’s completely his house I’ve mentioned this to him as we have kids together I’ve said to him I don’t feel like it’s my home and no security he could ask me to leave at any time !

I have spoke to him about this he messages me today as he’s been “ thinking “ he will write it down a “ letter “ to say that if anything happens to him then the house Is left to me and the kids !

im really insulted ! And not sure if im being unreasonable, we aren’t married we aren’t getting married either, I had hoped for some togetherness as a couple bringing up our kids together ! Please no comments about going to work my baby is only 5 weeks so that isn’t an option! X

Can we stop with the harsh posts please? Op knows she's not super secure and very busy and probably tired with an infant. She can't change the past so it isn't helpful.

It won’t help the OP. It might help a woman reading the thread whose partner is trying to persuade her ‘marriage is just a piece of paper’ etc. etc.

Every so often a post leaves me speechless. Astonishing what some women will accept.

Posts might seem harsh but the OP is in a very dire situation. Whilst she can't change the past, people are just trying to help her make better choices going forward to protect herself.

of course many women with kids aren't married. But they probably joint own houses, have careers, pensions, maybe are worth more than their partners. or are even single living off benefits but have tenancy security.

OP is none of these. It's not just case of being unmarried - she is living in a house where she has no rights and no financial protection. She'd be better off renting her own house, getting her own tenancy and claiming benefits! At least she'd not be reliant on some bloke who doesn't care enough for her.

@2025ismybestyear was calling you spiteful for pointing out that @rosesarebeautiful7 has twice said "BROUGHT me out" (which I assume you think is an all too common and annoying mistake) instead of "BOUGHT me out" (which some believe to be really quite basic English).

And now you are pretending that's not what you were doing.

Tut tut.

Why would you stay with him for 15 years and not demanded marriage and walked when he said no? Now you've brought a child into this relationship with no legal rights or security. What is wrong with women today!? Show your worth and respect, never give the proverbial 'milk and cow away for free'.
If he kicked you out tomorrow, you have no home, no assets....nothing. On the streets. 15 years, why didn't you walk?

@Bigcat25 I haven't meant to be harsh on the OP, but day after day on here we read variations of the same situation and it is just not changing, and tbh, I'm sick of it, sick of children being born into "families" where the relationship between the parents is unhealthy at best and the safe loving home that every child should have the right to hinges on the whim of one man who to be fair to him, has been honest from the start, in terms of property rights, refusal to marry.

There are practical measures she can take, insistence on a Will, returning to work herself, pension provision for herself... but what will change the lives of the most children is if women reading this thread feel emboldened to take practical measures to protect themselves and if the tide of behaviour women are prepared to put up with from men really changes.

OP - he could ask you leave the house tonight and change the locks - and he would well within his rights to do and you would have no protection.

Call Citizens Advice Bureau and get some advice on what you can do to gain financial independence and start building up funds.

Does he control money?

Do you have access to a joint account?

Can you take our 25 quid a week cash back from the foodshop and set up your own secret bank account and pay cash into that? Set the address for the account as your parents or trusted relatives so he does not find out. Build up a small nest egg. Squirrel away any money you can.

Are there old toys or clothes or items you can sell online etc? Make some cash and save it in that bank account.

To take it a step further - do you see people giving things away for free that you can go collect and think you can sell for cash? Appreciate you have kids to look after so thid may not be feasible! but maybe once baby os older let somethings slide at home to free up an hour or two to go collect clothes (etc)someone giving away if you think you can resell etc.

Next, tell him you do equal work. I.e. your housework and childcare has a COST - otherwise why would we pay someone to be a cleaner or a nanny???

You have done 15 years UNPAID work in house and with kids. Is he going to put you on the deeds? If not, you need to think about getting a job once your 1 month old is older.

Best of luck

I wanted to weep reading this thread.
In the UK, pre-nups are worth zero.
Letters, about the same.
He could make a wiki but to be quite frank he could make another one a week later with different instructions.
He has a house in his name and woman popping out babies and caring for them who he seems to show no care for.
You have a little baby to care for there, so for the time being, concentrate on that.
But then you need to get smart. You are basing your decisions on rubbish info this man is feeding you.
It might seem like he loves you but seriously, OP, he’s treating you like dirt. He’s living his best life knowing he’s living his best left and not appreciating you at all.
I would plan to leave.
He is not your partner. He’s not even your friend.
If you are good enough to give birth to his children, you are good enough to marry.
It won’t be easy, I’d start again and you’d be financially better off on your own.

Sadly, they don't understand their lack of rights in a 'partnership' because they have believed the lie that marriage is 'just a piece of paper' and an expensive party. Ditto Civil Partnership. This ought to be taught in schools instead of some of the rubbish that does get taught. A bit of women's history and the struggle for women's rights would not come amiss either.

How to protect yourself financially should be taught to young girls at school in PSHE or whatever it’s called.

Why do they need her surname? They’re his kids too. Why does she have more right to their name than him not just hyphenated?

In the UK, pre-nups are worth zero

This is not true - actual prenups are usually followed by divorce courts in E&W provided the legal requirements are met.

Also, cohabitation agreements (which this seems to be since they aren’t married) are almost always legally binding.

In this case, the ‘prenup’ seems to favour only the partner (since it apparently involves OP disclaiming any interest in the home) which rules out any attempt to claim any sort of equitable interest. This is both expensive and difficult to achieve but if the £7,000 wasn’t a fair share of the equity of the previous property, it might have been possible for the OP without the agreement.

He is not interested in your financial security.

Are you paying rent?
What is the situation with regards to the bills in your house?
Is he looking after you financially while you are on maternity leave?
What is gapping about paying childcare fees?

Isn’t critical thinking taught in schools or basic research? Maybe I’m just being grumpy today but FFS there has never been a time like now where information is literally at your fingertips.

I mean, yes, you don’t know what you don’t know… but there is a point when someone brings up words like deeds, inheritance, prenup, etc. where you do know what you don’t know.

I’m rapidly losing patience with the “I didn’t know” excuse.

I won't ask why you had three children with no security.

You said: "Please no comments about going to work my baby is only 5 weeks so that isn’t an option!".

I get that but time passes and you will be able to go to work before too long. I hope you plan to.

This situation is unfair to you. I just don't get why he doesn't want to marry you. Has he explained why? People with ideofogical objections to marriage usually sort out their property and finances so that each is secure before having kids. He has you over a barrel at the moment. I can't imagine what sort of chap he is.

Try to squirrel away as much money as you can and get some professional advice.

This is the 3rd thread I’ve read like this today.

OP. What would your 7k be worth now? Women, please wake up. The person to look after your best interests is you. Some women have happy marriages with partners who share and share alike. Many do not but discover it too late to build another life.

Because women like the OP let them.

Absolutely. There was a time when women weren't educated too. I could have sworn the expression was "would not go amiss"?

This 100 %

@rosesarebeautiful7 OP, he shouldn't "write a letter". He should go to a solicitor and have a legal Will written, signed and witnessed leaving his estate to you and your DC in the event of his death. If he dies intestate (without a Will) your DC and some of your DP's other family members would inherit under England and Wales'* intestacy rules, but you would not. Is this really what he wants? You could also point out to him that only spouses and those in a civil partnership can inherit from each other free of inheritance tax - this benefit alone is enough to make marriage worthwhile.
NB: Here's the relevant advice for England and Wales, but if you're living elsewhere in the UK, see the embedded links, also at this link, for advice in Scotland and Northern Ireland: https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/death-and-wills/who-can-inherit-if-there-is-no-will-the-rules-of-intestacy/
While you're at the solicitors, get them to draft Financial and Welfare Lasting Powers of Attorney (LPAs) to register too - if either of you were to lose capacity while alive, the other would be limited as to how you can manage the other's affairs without making an application to the Court of Protection, which would be both lengthy and costly: https://www.gov.uk/power-of-attorney
Your "explanation" for why you allowed him to buy you out when you moved isn't at all clear - why would you give up your equity in the property for £7k? Is that what you invested in the first house?

I am slightly encouraged in that this is the first thread like this I’ve seen where there hasn’t been a ‘helpful’ poster telling the OP to ‘exercise her common law rights’ (which don’t exist in E&W).

Edited to say: Actually, @AngelicKaty , in E&W, the children get the lot - the partner’s other family don’t get anything. Other than that, I agree completely!

This is good advice. You need to start making a plan.

I would also consider making a stand about a will given you have three children together. If neither of you have a will then there is nothing in writing as to who will look after your children in the event of your/his death, who will be the executor of his estate? If you were both killed in a car crash what then?

If necessary speak to a respected [his] family member to say that you are concerned and why. But start with him. You have zero financial security and need to go back to work and put all the kids in childcare asap. 50% of the cost of this needs to be his to cover if he wants his assets to be his and for you to have zero security in the event of divorce or his death.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/free-cheap-wills/

Tax - if he dies as his spouse you will not pay inheritance tax. As a cohabitee you will pay 40% on assets over £325k if named in the will. That rises to £500k for children. Ultimately he's not being careful about protecting his assets from unnecessary taxation or anyone including you.
Does he have life insurance privately or through his employer? Who is the beneficiary ? What happens if he dies - is there provision for the mortgage to be paid off? You can't take on the mortgage if you have no interest in it?

It is normal. For people that rent rooms, or for people who have grown up children living with them.
Tells you where you stand.