Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

“she’s chosen not to work” - did you miss the part where he won’t allow her to work?

Ok you need to talk to him properly and try to make him see your position.

As you aren’t married and he won’t give you any security beyond the money he gives you each month, you have to go back to work. He might not like it, but if you split up, you are facing being homeless and unable to support your dc. If he wants full security of his money then he must understand this is the only option.

He might not want his dc in nursery, so ok he can make alternative arrangements, but while you aren’t married and have no claim on any of his assets, does he not see it’s not possible for you to be a SAHM. The fact he wants to peotect his assets from you, tells you he sees you two breaking up at some point, and so you also have to work on the same assumption as him.

That you’ll contribute towards the bills but not the mortgage or any upkeep of the house, as that’s his asset. Childcare is a split cost, as dd is equally his responsibility.

Choices have positive and negative consequences- the positive for him is he gets to protect his assets, the negative is you need to build your own security so he can’t insist on you being at home.

(these men never suggest dropping a day from work to be at home with their dc themselves, they never say they’ll pay the difference to have a nanny not use a nursery. They always just want you vulnerable.)

She does need to leave, yes.

Why do you keep leaving out that he's pressuring her into not working, won't include her in his will or life insurance policies and despite his 'good wage' doesn't provide enough to stop OP from having to use her savings?

People telling OP to "go back to work" and "buy your own property" are being naive. It's really not that straightforward. Men who are financially controlling can make it very difficult for their partners to work if they choose to.

Realistically, how will OP go back to work if her DP won't agree to pay for Nursery or a childminder? She says she has already used up almost all of her savings, she has said he doesn't give her money, just pays for bills and food shopping. She's put herself in a situation where she's financially completely dependent on him, which means that it will now be difficult for her to go back to work without some degree of co-operation from him.

We don't know what OP's professional background is, but I imagine she would need to be working FT in a very well paid job to be able to cover the cost of Nursery fees on her own and save up enough money to buy her own property, or even rent somewhere in the event she wants to LTB.

OP, this man is not your partner. He doesn't see you as a team. He doesn't even give enough of a shit about you to make sure you would be taken care of in the event of his death. He is more concerned about protecting 'his' money.

He could ask you to leave his home at any point and you would have no choice but to go. Nowhere to live, no income and no rights to any of the money that you've facilitated him earning by looking after his child.

If he died or became too ill to work you would also be screwed.

Do you have any family who would be in a position to support with childcare if you went back to work, OP? Just until you actually start earning and are in a position to pay childcare fees, assuming you would be able to earn enough to cover them. If you do have supportive family then now would be a good time to confide in them about the position you've found yourself in and the fact that things are "rocky" in your relationship.

Whatever you do, for God's sake don't have another child with this man.

Can I just add another point of view?

I mean, you should have been married before the child, that's more than obvious, he doesn't have any incentive to do so now.
What that makes him is another thing.

I never wanted kids and was quite secure before
I met my husband (20 years ago).
He's got significant wealth, property portfolio, inheritance etc. It took him nine years to agree to marriage (no prenuptials etc) and 18 years (!) to transfer his wealth into both ownerships.
I was never "trapped", though, he pays into my pension etc.
I understood why he felt the way he did.

OP, unless you manage to secure your position, don't agree to anymore kids.
Please stop thinking "romance" and start thinking
"practical bits for me".
💝

Honestly OP this sounds abusive. You keep talking about what he wants, about the 'atmosphere' he creates... all of that reeks of coercive control. You've effectively subsidised him by using your savings. Red flags all over. Either you are able to have a frank talk now laying out the options for you and highlighting that the situation is just unacceptable for you- or you feel you can't because he will kick off, in which case this IS abuse and you need to phone Women's Aid and make a plan on how to get out before you're even more stuck.

Fair enough but would you then insist they don't work to bring up your (joint) child? Would you be in a seemingly marriage-like relationship and not leave your assets to your partner/child in the event of your death? I don't think you should have children under these conditions. Live with some one? Fine. Children, no.

The OP shouldn't also be using all her savings to support herself. They could buy as tenants in common where the partner owns a slightly bigger proportion of the house to protect his original investment but to leave his partner/child in such a precarious situation is unconscionable.

Oh also it doesn’t matter what he wants, be clear you will be working full time. If he doesn’t like it, he can become the SAHP. But he can’t think it’s reasonable you have no money, and no claim on his money and are unable to fix that so if he dumps you, you will be in poverty. If he does feel it’s reasonable for you to be facing poverty if you split up, then he doesn’t love you and you really need an exit plan. Which needs a way of putting food on the table.

I think a lot of it is the desire to have kids. It’s so strong in a lot of women. That’s why you see so many threads where a women is going to keep a pregnancy even when the Dad to be is clearly a total waste of space. Sometimes it’s impossible to predict a guy is going to change into an unsuitable dad/life partner but sometimes it’s glaringly obvious but the baby blinkers mean some women refuse to see it.

As said, it might be hard to put your name on the deeds of a new property if a mortgage is required as they'll look at both incomes.

If he's genuinely happy and loves you, then it's not unreasonable to have paperwork in place to make sure you and your joint son are secure in the event of anything happening, ie a Will passing the property to you. Do you want to marry him at some point? If so, will he commit to that?

I'm lucky to be married, but every financial decision DH makes he tells me about and what the position will be on death and what I'm entitled to, ie I'm at the forefront of his considerations. I don't have to ask, put any pressure on.

I find it so depressing that the desire to have kids seems to trump any logic when it comes to making sure their other parent is actually a decent person.

He doesn't want you to go back to work but in order to do so you're supporting yourself by burning through your savings. So, he wants you to be financially vulnerable? That's very concerning. You NEED to go back to work and he needs to be contributing to the cost of the childcare or staying home himself. The house deeds are the least of your problems.

@EllasNonny I agree. I advise my DD that she should marry BEFORE having DC, unless she is confident she’ll be constantly financially independent while pregnant and raising children. And don’t have DC with someone isn’t committed enough to marry you. Marriage isn’t just about a nice wedding.

How would he stop her?

Love how it's looking after "his child" when you've put yourself in a vulnerable financial position but "my child" when it comes to everything else.

Go to work OP, he wants you not working and not on the mortgage so he has control over you.

When you left work, that's when you should have talked about finances and the mortgage.

OP also chose to have a baby knowing she wasn’t married or on the deeds to the house she was living in though - hasn’t she also put her child in a precarious position?

When at the end of this relationship you walk away with nothing, you'll only have yourself to blame.

I’m not leaving those things out. It’s more that the OP has no control over those things but she did have control over who to have a baby with and whether or not she stays with him. Some posters are making out that she is completely helpless but she has got choices about what she does now.

If he won't put you on the deeds to the house because he says you're not financially contributing, then ask him to pay you a full time salary for the services which you provide - childcare, housecare etc. This isn't just a 35 hour week, it's probably double. So I'd ask him for a salary of 45k pa if he won't put you on the house deeds.

I'd also consider leaving. Saying that you aren't contributing is a big red flag (or straight up stupidity). You are contributing a massive amount and as well, you are facilitating him working.

https://www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/family-law-information/a-guide-to-living-together-and-the-law/

I suggest you read this guide very carefully to fully understand your total lack of protection as an unmarried, unemployed partner.

As PP have said, this man does not have your best interests of security at heart, he apparently doesn't even care that you're the mother of HIS child.

You need to get a FT job, make him pay proportionally to income for everything child related, and start looking at how you can secure your own financial future ASAP. Good luck. xx

Too late now, but the correct response when he said you shouldn't work until your shared child was 3 but he would not be supporting you financially or offering any security, was a. not to give up work and b. to tell him to fuck off to the far side of fuck, and when he got there fuck off some more.

Never allow someone else to dictate your financial indepence and security.

If this is truly her situation, and it might well be - then she is in an abusive relationship and needs to be gathering an exit fund and fast.

There are ways in which she can do so, and I would strongly recommend she leaves as soon as it’s safe to do so. In this country you will not be homeless if you leave an abusive relationship. There are options wide open to her.

If she wishes to do things in an orderly way, then the first step is to rebuild her savings by ensuring she saves as much of the housekeeping money as possible - whilst looking for a job in earnest. Once that’s secure she can move out.

I agree it’s not simple, it’s not impossible either.

@HannahXsanderson id tell him
marriage first then a house with your name on. Also sort his will etc accordingly.
He can’t call all the shots . He doesn’t want you working and it only suits him .

He sounds controlling .

Tbh I wouldn’t stay with him but if you do., then he needs to provide that security for you not to work.
Access to the finances . As he is doing the bare minimum .
You would be better off working living alone and claiming maintenance

OP, this is not OK.

He's controlling you and keeping you in a position where you have very limited power and choices.

When men say things like this there is usually more to it than it being about the child's best interest. He likes having you at home because that's a situation where he is in control.

Children benefit from nursery, in so many ways. Your 2 year old is absolutely not too young and would probably love it, and it would help his/her development too.

However, if you both agree that you want your child to be at home, you need to share the burden of that - you go back part time and he cuts his hours to part time and you both spend time at home doing childcare.

It is absolutely wrong that he is trying to stop you from working if you want to.

He isn’t going to do this, but yes she should definitely charge him the going rate for 24 hour childcare, housekeeping and admin role. It will be around 80k plus or more. That should cover her easily on the mortgage.