Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

She is caring for THEIR child.

When did this child suddenly become her sole responsibility

Deebee90 You are in for a shock if you ever get divorced and find your sole ownership of your property means nothing.

I agree I'd get yourself back to work and get him contributing 50% childcare costs otherwise say to him you can go it alone then no house no commitment means him being committed by Child matienance costs.

Unfortunately as OPs partner doesn't seem to see her as contributing in any way, it's unlikely this would be of any benefit to op. As he is likely to state she has no claim on his house in the event of a break up. So unless he saw her as an equal partner who is contributing in a different way than bringing money into the house he is unlikely to sign a fair agreement.

Don't have any more children with him. Go back to work straight away and get him to pay half childcare costs. Financially you really need to consider yourself single in this set up. He clearly does.

When will women learn… do not have kids before you are married or you have no rights and can be totally screwed over! If you are prepared to have children with a man you need to be sure he will financially support you when you are caring for HIS children - that’s his end of the deal!!

“He sounds like an old school man who wants to care for his family and even if things went bad he would ensure you and the child is cared for.”

Except he’s only paying for the house (100% his) and bills, op is having to use her savings if she ever needs new clothes or a coffee with a friend because he doesn’t give her any money despite insisting she doesn’t work. He won’t change his life insurance or will to make sure she’s looked after. That’s not an old school man caring for his family! Because the only person he’s looking after is himself.

I’ve counselled all of my kids, of both genders, that they never compromise their ‘escape route’. Best case scenario is that they never need to use it.

The strategy is get a property, however put several immediate family members name on the property. That way if they get married later and divorced, the spouse can only claim half of that child’s portion. So, if there are several people as owners they will only be able to claim a small amount, at most 16% if 3 owners are listed as they would only be entitled to half of 33%. In the event of divorce, most lawyers would tell them it’s not worth spending $$ on legal fee’s when looking at such a %. There were a few potential other ‘protection’ scenarios we received as legal advice for the kids but this is the one they have all agreed to go with (important as they are all ‘in it together’).

Any ‘joint’ property with a partner/spouse would be a seperate property that their partner/spouse has contributed to for deposit and mortgage repayments. If people then take time out (either partner/spouse) while children are young then that’s fine as it’s still contributing to the household but that’s not a free pass once kids are older at school. In the event of divorce, split that property accordingly.

this cannot be said often enough

Whilst it is nice he earns more and you get to stay at home if you had a job and you walked away, not only would you be able to claim child benefit, he would have to pay half the nursery fees as well as the child maintenance element and still you could be able to claim any Universal Credit top ups and extras like housing benefit, council tax support etc (Remember child maintenance isn’t counted as part of your income when claiming UC)

It might surprise you that you have quite a decent income yourself. Without the threat of homelessness hanging over your head.

Look on Entitledto website and put in an address for a rental property, look on Rightmove for a rental property that you think hypothetically would be suitable and use the address and rental amount etc to find out what you could be entitled to

Before you do anything though I would get copies of his payslips, mortgage and pension statements, and any savings and investments, property including any particularly valuable items he has including his car. I would if you can get copies of a years worth of energy bills and a few months of the general household bills so he can’t claim he has massive expenses.

OP look at it this way- love is not legally binding. Love does not give any financial security. Love quickly becomes meaningless when it’s gone.

All you have at the moment with your partner is love.

So for the sake of your son, and yourself, get some security behind you. If your relationship ends, you have no home in which to house your son (at least) 50% of the time. This could have very significant implications on your ability to parent, even temporarily.

Get a job, get at least 3 months rent and a rental deposit behind you. Your partner is protecting his future- protect yours.

Surely if those family members already own a home, they will need at extra stamp duty as it won't be their primary residence and if there's a mortgage on the property wouldn't they need to be on the mortgage?
Also one of those family members could theoretically ask for their equity out of the house, it could be taken into consideration if they were to need care funded by the local authority, this seems risky.

Well he’s hardly old school having kids out of wedlock is he? Nor is he looking after his family. He’s using the OP for free childcare even thought it leaves her financially vulnerable. Zero evidence that he would provide for the OP and kid if things go wrong - the facts suggest the complete opposite.

As for “majority of relationships end bc the woman” where is the evidence for this preposterous claim? It’s completely untrue and until recently before no fault divorce was brought in, the majority of divorces had the wife as petitioner meaning that technically the marriage ended because of the man. Men are more likely than women to be unfaithful and more likely than women to be abusive and those are both major causes of relationship breakdown.

Me neither.
Although I do think Wills/ Death in service etc should be updated so OP isn’t left completely stuck if anything happened

Many mortgage lenders won’t allow someone to be added to the deeds unless they’re also on the mortgage.

This is really important OP, it’s not a boring detail. You you are imperilling your old age.

I would absolutely be leaving if he didn't change the deeds and get married.
It is for the security of your 2 year old above all. His answer is extremely concerning. From this I might even assume that he wants you in a vulnerable position deliberately and that was why he didn't want you back to work. It is better for your child for you to be at home 100%. This is a proven fact.

I wonder if you thought about reversing the roles; if you were the mortgagee and homeowner and wage earner, how would you see it?
I have been a single parent and householder and would never put a partners name on the deeds unless I had the legal protection of marriage. Best wishes.

Say you will not move till you are financially able to contribute and be a co owner x

This man is exploiting you, you should stop working for him for free.
I think your best bet is to stop engaging with him on the issue of his general unfairness and exploitative nature. Instead play nice, keep him sweet, but make a plan and then one day he'll come home to find you and his child gone.

You are - you claim it and he pays it back on his tax return! It provides your national insurance contributions and also means you have some of your own money. They are assuming that he is giving you an allowance every month - £300-500 min to cover all your extra expenses like hair cuts/colours and clothes and makeup and coffee out etc - if he’s NOT doing this while also not allowing you to claim child benefit then he is financially abusing you. You also need to claim child benefit to protect yourself and your pension!!!

You can work with a 2 years old child.

Would you put him on the deeds if it was the other way round?

I will always scream from the rooftops that women need their own financial security, job, home. Marriage is so outdated and means nothing anymore. I feel embarrassed for women who think they need a man and place all their hopes and dreams and financial security on one! Yes he’s being unreasonable but I wouldn’t put anyone’s name on mine either. You really need to get yourself back to work regardless of what he wants and build your own life because one day when he wants you to move out you’ll be left with nothing. Marriage does not mean forever despite what the relationship is like at the beginning and how you feel. Strat building yourself up now before it’s too late.

This man does not love you OP. Get yourself back to work and get some savings behind you for when this goes tits up.

It doesn’t sound like there is an allowance as she’s spent nearly all her savings in living during the day couple of years.

OP you’ve given up a job plus two years of work place pension contributions , two years of state pension and nearly all your savings.

Nope assumptions that, in any given couple, the man out earns the woman, perpetuates the gender pay gap.