Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

Exactly, I would be done. Everyone saying ‘go back to work’ is missing the point, they chose to have a SAHP and he is able to support that lifestyle so it’s his responsibility to finance the situation. You’re still equals and I wouldn’t be living with someone that didn’t treat me as such.

He is not looking after his family. He is looking after himself

he he is manoeuvring his partner into a terrible vulnerable state and showing no signs of acknowledging that and adding the protection his partner needs - including marriage

He's an arsehole. Go back to work and get ready to be a single parent and make sure your contraception is absolutely watertight.

Have you actually read @HannahXsanderson's posts? How are they equals?
This thread isn't about you.

He's an arsehole. Go back to work and get ready to be a single parent and make sure your contraception is absolutely watertight.

She doesn't need to tell him until she secures the job
If he isn't happy about this, at least she will have an income secured and only 1 child to worry about rather than adding children to the already precarious situation. If he kicks her out at that point she can also claim CMS, which I would think would be a decent amount towards child care if his earnings take him over the child benefit threshold
She is already risking homelessness by being with a man that has all the financial control
Would you suggest she stays financially vulnerable until he decides that he wants to end the relationship anyway?

It doesn’t have to be @Soontobe60 but it’s more often the woman in that position than the man. That’s why the constraint cries of ‘what about the menz - women get advised differently’ is not that relevant in my view.

I wouldn’t let someone on the deeds of a house I owned before they came along , especially if they aren’t financially contributing. I had a mortgage with my then partner but when we upsized I was no longer working as pregnant and the house went into his name - we had something drawn up by a solicitor in terms of how much I’d put into the first house etc, I also ensured my name went on the deeds - but then we got married anyway.

So what’s the answer? He can do this at any time. Hopefully she has some family around that she could go and stay with in the interim.

Regardless, she needs to start preparing for this.

As I wrote earlier
he isn’t going to support or contribute to you going back to work
he will just say we agreed for you to stay at home so no childcare cost

if you want to change that deal then you can but it’s down to your to pay and organise childcare and haven’t do any drop offs / pick ups

The problem with your partner not willing to pay the tax on Child Benefit and put the CB in your name is that you are not going to get any pension.

Not working and not claiming child benefit for the past 2 years = no stamp/payments being paid for the last 2 years towards your state pension.

Alter the numbers to reflect how many years you aren’t planning to work or claim child benefit accordingly.

Honestly he’s not your partner. Don’t have any more kids with him, and I’d be saying ‘if you do not either put me on the deeds of the house and/or get married, this is over.
to be honest you’re on the cusp of financial abuse- if you stay and you continue to accept this exploitive situation, you will end up being financially abused.

The fact you’ve even posted this not sure of the answer is worrying- of course this isn’t normal. This is why you get married before having a baby and preferably to someone who is in your team because otherwise you are basically being exploited.

Working in paid employment or at home, you are working and your contribution is valid. many here will simply tell you to go back to work- that won’t solve your problem because your problem is your shit of a partner who doesn’t in equality or his legal obligations to you and his child as a grown man and father.

This is also hugely important.

Honestly @HannahXsanderson i think you need to seek some legal advice to find out exactly where you stand. A solicitor will be able to reassure you this isnt ok and also tell you what things would look like if you split.

also, why don't you claim child benefit?

He would have to pay an extra tax on it but you can still claim the payment. Why on earth haven't you done that? No offence but you seem financially completely illiterate. Maybe see if you can get help from some charity or so with getting some things in place. This is all madness on so many levels. Do you have friends or family who are a bit more aware and can help you to start sorting things out?

https://www.gov.uk/child-benefit-tax-charge

i agree with him, it’s his house. While you are caring for your child it’s him paying all the bills. Go back to work and save up your own money. I wouldn’t anyone on my house deeds that hadn’t paid.

Get married now! Wow, that's unbelievable. You have had his child.

Get married.

This is absolutely rubbish and is incredibly damaging to women. Literally zero benefit to this advice 🫠🫠🫠

Look he isn’t going to marry you
if you believe that more fool you

you could ask him to put you on the deeds but ring fence his deposit / equity at this point in time in case you split

this way very little risk to him as if you split you will only get a share of any increase of equity from this point on and not 50 percent of what he has earned / put into the house so far

i actually think this is fair to you both.

if he won’t do this then he has 0 intention of ever marrying you / sharing his life with you

Marrying you isn’t a good deal for him as of you divorce then you can walk away with probably 50 -60 percent of what he’s got in house

But the fact that he’s not put you on his life insurance / will really says that he’s not got any real care about you or his kid if he died

So….talking about/acknowledging the Gender Pay Gap is the reason why we have the Gender Pay Gap and perpetuates it. Got it.

He doesn't care about you if anything happened to him his house would go to his parents you are not married if he doesn't want marriage I'd move on he not commited to you especially if he not intrested protecting you with a roof. Do you not have access to his bank account having a child together? And no access is finacial abuse when married but you are not married is he giving you money like its pocket money? Do you have to ask him? Does he want marriage? Doesn't sound committed to you. Some men like to use you like a childcare provider for their child whilst keeping everything from you.

I’d recommend claiming (and receiving) and letting him pay back through tax.

ETA: let him complain like hell!

Sorry, didn't see that he wouldn't get married. This is such a dangerous situation for you and your child.

See a family solicitor.

Please don't pay him 1p towards anything to do with the house, not even bills. If he adds why, present him with a bill for you: cost of post birth physio, cost of lower pension, predict how having had a child will impact your financial future and bill him that amount, etc you get my point.

Why do men, or women, not see thr huge financial penalties women face when they have children. He should be putting you on the deeds, even if you only own a percent.

He does not sound like a good man

I have already said on my comments somewhere in this thread op is in a vulnerable position

Well if the man…

-was under the complete financial control of the woman
-had used up all his savings because she didn’t give him any money even though she’d insisted he didn’t work because he needs to stay at home and look after their child
-was previously told by the woman that they’d get married but now she was refusing marriage

then I’m pretty sure the women of mumsnet would be supportive of him - I would be.

Get him to get a cohabitation agreement for you both.