Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

The PP I quoted said that the bloke was getting free sex - same for the OP surely??

OP - none of this is the actions of a man who loves you and plans to spend the rest of his life with you.

What you know is he has no intention of you still being his life partner long term, you don’t know how long you’ve got before he decides to dump you, but he definitely doesn’t want to spend the rest of his life with you, is actively working on ruining your finances.

If he planned to be still your partner at retirement, he would be encouraging you to claim child benefit then paying it back via tax so that you got your NI contributions for it. He doesn’t care if you get a full state pension when you retire as you won’t be the person he’s living with then.

Step one - sort out going back to work full time. Sort childcare. Then tell him.

Claim child benefit. This is absolutely vital for your future. He just has to pay it back which is the least he can do.

Then look for a job. Full time work. None of this part time stuff when he does not treat you as a real partner. You can’t afford that.

Just tell him how it is....you are financially vulnerable as you are not and won't be put on the house deeds, you are not married so for those reasons you absolutely need to go back to work and not have any more children. He knows how to rectify this.

Right. But in OP's case her DP asked her to quit work.

I strongly suggest you look start looking for a good nursery or childminder (lists can be long), put your child’s name down and start getting yourself into a position to get a decent job with flexible hours, some WFH and plenty of annual leave: via extra training/online qualifications, cv, voluntary work etc. Do you have supportive family and friends nearby?

Tell your partner he’ll be responsible for half the childcare fees and 50% of drop offs, pick ups, sick days etc.

It’s both parents’ responsibility to look after children. Women shouldn’t be expected to give up their financial security and pensions to be free childcare for men.

If he won’t protect you financially, protect yourself. Don’t pay towards a mortgage of a home (including via unpaid childcare) you have no right to occupy. Don’t have another child with him until you’re in a stronger position.

If he doesn’t want to share equity that was his before he met you, presumably an agreement can be drawn up on that.

Also you can claim child benefit but not take the money - this is ESSENTIAL for getting a state pension

So he wants the benefit of having at stay at home wife without the actual 'wife' part. Op you are in a very vulnerable position, you need to go back to work asap or give him an ultimatum. By 3 years you'll likely have another child and it'll extend to another 3 years then you're juggling term time pick ups and school holidays so you'll be hindered again. Next thing you know you'll be out of the work force 10 years with no pension contributions, no financial security and in a worse position than you are now. Look out for yourself

Yup I have heard of the gender pay gap.

That doesn’t mean that in any given couple the man will out earn the woman.

Assumptions like that perpetuate issues like the gender pay gap.

Always I see on MN that women should get married « for protection » with no consideration that in that particular couple the woman may have more assets and higher wages.

YOU STILL NEED TO CLAIM CHILD BENEFIT BUT REFUSE THE PAYMENT

This is REALLY important as when you claim CB, you get NIC contributions assigned to you which you will need when you retire.

DO THIS TODAY!

If you claim CB then refuse the payment he won’t have to pay it back through his NI which I’m sure he’d complain like Hell about.

Well they should but many don't. That's why I advise young women on this stuff. Berating doesn't help it just makes you feel more powerless but advice and support is invaluable.

OP - you are right, you are not secure and your relationship is not equal.

You have used your savings to support yourself while undertaking the childcare that enables him to earn his high salary.

In your shoes I would tell him you will not continue t d his childcare for free and you must have security so you will be returning to work, whatever he thinks.

Unless he agrees to marry you.

Actually, I would leave him because he is clearly a controlling misogynist bastard , and I would claim high child maintenance from him, be eligible for Child Benefit and also about to get free nursery hours to make it easier for you to work.

Do not get pregnant again until this is resolved.

This is not fair. Whatever you do, don't become pregnant again and go back to work as soon as you can, you need your own income. If you are OK where you are currently living, I wouldn't be bothered about moving somewhere bigger if you are not going to be on the deeds/not married.

Please do your best to be independent, this is a horrible situation.

Get a job, ASAP. On the one hand he's not putting you on the deeds because you aren't financially contributing, on the other he wants you to be totally dependent. Get a job, and hide as much money as you can, you will need it when you leave him.

Oh, and obviously, never get pregnant to this man again.

If I was you, I would be looking for a full time job asap. Once you have a job secured I'd be making it very clear to him that he will be contributing proportionately to the child care and house chores. You will then contribute towards household bills and not his mortgage as you have no claim on his house and then start saving into your own savings account. Currently you are in a very vulnerable position and you are also not getting NI contributions towards state pension in the future.
Once you have a job, if he decides to end the relationship at least you will have an income, hopefully some savings and can claim CMS from him so you could survive. Currently you'd have no claim on assets, no savings and no income.
Do not have a second child with him, unless he follows through with marriage and you have some safety net

But what about your pension? You need to claim it anyway as you’re leaving yourself very vulnerable.

I would get a job asap. He can sort childcare/ pay for it- it shouldn’t come out of your earnings. If he insists it comes out of your earnings then you may as well move out and split up as you would be better off financially without him, due to the benefits you would be entitled to.

Something is very wrong when you would be in a better position financially without your partner. You’ve spent all your safety net savings in order to support him and the child you have together, but accepted his complete refusal to support you.

Try re-reading the PP 'unless you jointly own all major assets', 'if you have no assets.' The PP was making no such assumptions. Anyway not applicable to the OP who IS in a precarious situation.

This is MN, things rarely work both ways! If a man were demanding to be put on the deeds of a woman's house, imagine the outcry.

It’s probably his parents advising him not to put you on the mortgage as well.

You should work out how much you are saving by not sending your child to nursery now and show him.

Do you still want to be with him after this anyway? He will forever have a financial hold over you ? You won’t have any property in your name etc.

He is looking after his family (you and the child). He wants the best for the child until they start school. Your contribution is caring for your child, partner and looking after the family home and all out of wedlock?

If this is the bulk of your point, then I would suggest you consider your options.

Can you utilise this time to do higher education (away learning)? Are you able to start a business on the side as to grow your own personal wealth as well? If the answer to the above is no and no, then lets hope his intention is to get married to give you security.

He sounds like an old school man who wants to care for his family and even if things went bad he would ensure you and the child is cared for.

Majority of relationships end bc of the woman (actual statistical fact) and he sounds switched on therefore I would strongly suggest you focus on the below until he ask for your hand in marriage.

• improving your education
• starting a business
• building wealth

This can be an argument when men bear children. And why the hell should MN not defend the interests of women. It's still a man's world.There are a million sites to defend the interests of men.

OP, I’m so sorry.

I guess you thought you’d met your life partner but it’s becoming apparent that he doesn’t have the character to be the partner you need.

It should be a no-brainer to get married (few hundred quid if needed), or put you on the title deeds or change his will/insurance policies. These things are zero cost to him (apart from admin costs etc) and wouldn’t impact him at all. They would, however, offer you protection which he isn’t willing to do. All of these things could potentially impact him were you to split and that’s what he’s thinking about. He’s had a child with you but he’s protecting himself for when you split. He’s not thinking about being with you or supporting your child long term, he’s protecting his position when things go wrong ergo he’s not fully committed to you or your child.

He might change if you point this out to him. He may not. If he’s not willing to do some really simple things then he’s basically saying he’s not fussed if you’re together. Are you willing to accept that?

It is totally normal to expect the man you have a child with actually loves and supports you. When that same man tells you not to work to concentrate on bringing up your child, he should without question financially support you while you do it OR be willing to take on his fair share of childcare, household duties and family life. You don’t get to prevent the mother of your child from working and then complain she isn’t contributing anything. That is total bullshit and unfortunately seems to be way too common.

You never go into relationships thinking the man you’ve chosen is rubbish. I didn’t. Thankfully we’re married but I’m still facing a divorce at some point in my future with no career (gave that up to look after DC while he concentrated on his fab Big Job) and absolutely none of the wonderful life plans we had made. My future has been taken away from me without discussion as he sees me as a friend rather than a wife. Didn’t occur to him to mention it prior to announcing he wasn’t sure if he wanted a divorce. I never thought I’d have to check how shit a husband/dad he would be as I took it for granted that anyone wanting to get married would actually know what it involved 🤷🏻‍♀️

SORT OUT THE CHILD BENEFIT!!!!

Yes you can. He just needs to pay it back via taxes.
This man sounds financially abusive. He doesn't see you as an equal, tries to force you not to work and then complains that you are not contributing financially. He doesn't want you to have any security, He does not have your best interests at heart. Why do you want to stay with him? You keep stating what he wants but what about you, what do you want?

Great idea.

She tells him she’s going to get a job (which he doesn’t want her to do), he’ll need to pay for half of the nursery fees (that he doesn’t want the child to go to so won’t pay) and that he’ll have to start doing half the housework (which he won’t be interested in).

He then tells her that the relationship is over and she can move out asap.

He’s not a good man.

Why would you run the risk of being made homeless?

I would say that the reason for the outcry if a man wanted to be added to her house deeds, it would be due to the fact it's almost always the woman who ends up with the kids following a break up and having to reduce working hours and therefore income to raise the children. So she will generally need the protection far more than the man even if her assets are worth more. Also maternity leave usually knocks a woman's income temporarily but also ongoing as the break in career usually means she is likely to progress in that career slower than her male partner.
I have more in assets and income than my partner, I wouldn't marry him for this reason. I would be happy for him to keep his current assets and work towards some joint investments/savings going forward so he would also feel protected in the event of a break up. But I wouldn't risk losing half of my assets