Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

OP, this morning’s woman’s hour was on financial abuse reflecting on how this is a form of coercive control. There were some extreme case mentioned but the general definition includes ‘preventing a partner working’ and also mentions how this situation can often escalate once you have children. Might this be a useful listen? They mentioned a helpful organisation on this: https://survivingeconomicabuse.org

OP your situation is precarious. You need to get back to work for your own financial security.
And claim the child benefit, he can pay it back.
Everything you have said sounds like he will only do what is beneficial to HIM. You need to think about you.

Never have a child with a man without getting married first... jeezz... this is getting boring. He has it all - a kid, free childcare/housekeeper and a house. You will be left penniless when this is all over. You need to give him an ultimatum. Either he puts you on the deeds or you are going back to work (with the cost of the nursery shared between you). I don't see any other option.

Op this gets worse.
You need your child benefit to pay your n.i stamp
You can claim child benefit and he can put it in his earnings
You are being financially abused .

You are going to have to take a step back and lol at the kind of relationship you’re in. Abusive and controlling.

I think marriage is bad plan... I think op should simply get a job, move out independently (if she can) and sort child support with a solicitor and newly ex partner. If he marries her, she still won't be on deeds poll, she still won't work and it would be hard to leave marriage if she doesn't work, marriage or not.

"Free sex" 😂

Not like all that sex women usually have to pay for.

No. I'd* be covering the finances through working, It's a partnership.

*I or they. I'm responding contextually.

I don’t think he necessarily needs to put you on the deeds to his current home, but he should also be amenable to you insisting that you need to return to work and build your own financial security. If you get married and are a SAHM of course then you’d be right to expect to be on the deeds of a future home. If he doesn’t want you to return to work you need to have a frank conversation about what he expects in terms of sharing a life and child - is it that you take on all the caring and all the financial risk and he gets to feather his own nest? Because that isn’t fair and isn’t the basis for a partnership.

I’d suggest insisting on marriage but I don’t think that’s a good idea as he is already trying to financial abuse you, to control in you unto being a SAHM with no income and no voice.

Options:

1. Leave, get a job, find better more responsible partner.

2 Marry and put up with the control.

He’s using you as a breeder for his kids. Once they’re both at school he’ll leave you with absolutely nothing.

I really wish they’d teach how to avoid this kind of shit in school. You’re in SUCH a precarious situation now.

Being not married is your main problem long term if the relationship was to end. However there may be certain rights to having a roof over your and your child’s head until he/she is 18 years old. I think you need legal advice to protect against a worst case scenario. His attitude to money, the house, your work however is very Victorian, he’s living in the 19th century tbh. You may have some leverage if he wants to move to a bigger house, you could suggest or insist that you get married before a house move, if only in a Registry Office. A lawyer will advise you but it would be possible to have both your names on the deeds of a new house and it doesn’t have to be a 50/50 split necessarily, it could be 60/40, 70/30 under Tenants in Common.

So my advice is don’t have another child or move house until you are married, see a lawyer, keep a record book and receipts and payments you make to support the household arrangements in case it is needed in the future. You are definitely not being unreasonable to protect the livelihood of you and your child. You sound like a very nice person but you need to be firm and tough. Good luck.🙂

So no marriage, no pension, no house, no income of your own, not even child benefit.

Did it never occur to you that he is fucking you over massively?

I think you know everything you need to know. Get out. you will be entitled to child maintenance but the rest would be a total deal breaker. And I can tell you that men like him will not change. He is just going to string you along for a little while longer.

I’m so sick of reading these threads. ALL the same.

woman gives up her entire independence, goes to live in his home , then has a baby and cries about being vulnerable.

ALL of which she has complete control over yet refuses to take any responsibility for her own life.

This is on you op. How in this day and age are some women choosing to do this and then cry victim.

And it’s always the same, never married, has a baby, completely dependent on one person. If you willingly and knowingly make that decision that is on you.

Your kid is TWO. Old enough to go to nursery and you go to work.
simple as that.

but no, he says he doesn’t want that and hoppity hop, skippity skip you do as he says.

Seriously stop being a victim here. You have been incredibly foolish so far. Start making some adult choices. Go back to work, secure an income and start being independent.

He could kick you out tomorrow and you won’t have anything, but that’s what you got yourself into. You can get out if you want as well.

You've been told in no uncertain terms now, OP. I agree with the others - don't stay with him. He's got a cook, a servant and a nanny, and none of it costs him anything. Don't even think about having another child with him. Don't believe him now if he says he'll change his will. Wills can be rewritten in minutes. You can't trust this man. The very best you can do is get away and get child support.

Op has now said he is avoiding getting married. So it’s only option 1, then.

They don’t need to teach this in school. This information is freely available to anyone. We are in 2025. Women have access to more information, opportunity and choice than ever before. Plenty of women from all backgrounds are able to make good choices. The responsibility lies with you.

I am not married and have a child with my partner. I wouldn't marry for financial security only but the difference with me and the OP is that my partner 100% always supports whatever decisions I make i.e. when I go back to work and wanting to be financially secure for myself, always contributes massively to childcare costs so I can work aswell and generally would never screw me over with money because no matter what I am the mother of his children and he loves his kids would never see them going without as a knock on effect of me being in financial difficulty. It's about having the right kind of partner not necessarily about being married to someone.

The only thing you can do is try to have one last sensible discussion with him -

cost up the childcare alone that you have saved and a full time employee - point out he also hasn’t given you a pension, national service or holiday - ask him how much money he thinks someone should charge someone else to have a baby on their health, childcare or keep house
It’s not the same AT ALL but just having a baby a quick Google came up with this
https://www.givelegacy.com/resources/surrogacy/#:~:text=The%20average%20cost%20of%20using%20a%20surrogate%20in%20the%20U.S.%20ranges%20from%20$90%2C000–$130%2C000.
so that’s £100 K right their just for the birth
Income for you £35 K if you were working for 3 years £100 K- you’ve lost that effectively by not earning
Childcare for 3 years Google is saying £36K
Housekeeper in the UK full time is £50K etc

so taking out the way he has treated you - you have contributed to the household about £200 K in labour and lost £100 K in lost earnings as you weren’t in a job (his request not to work) . Meanwhile he gains by not paying for someone to surrogate his child and birth them, not paying for a house keeper, or childminder etc so he’s in a win- win situation and you a lose- lose.

You could for example agree that he has a life insurance he leaves to you in the event of his death to raise his child plus the house.
You could agree that he protects the house equity from Before you met eg £100 K but agree the rest is joint - a deed of trust.

From his side - he has everything and I can’t see him agreeing. He might even turn it around and say you have been living rent free and he’s been supporting you whilst you have the baby you wanted and he’s been clobbered supporting an adult and child and it’s draining his resources.

if you split up and he has given you effectively 50% of his house, you could meet someone else or he could die and you meet someone else and marry them and his house could ….. argh a nightmare.

I would try and have one last conversation about how unfair and unequal and unprotected you are and if he genuinely loved you and treated you as an equal but it’s a shit situation and you have no cards to play.

unfortunately I think the reality is :

1. do what he asks and carry on
2. have another baby but ask him to marry you ok first - to protect both children and don’t have a baby without being married
3. Leave and insist on CMS, insist on 50/50 childcare so you can get a job and see a solicitor especially if you have written evidence that he has asked you in writing not to get a job and stay looking after child and home you probably are entitled to nothing though.

This is not an equal partnership and I don’t understand why women do this. In my experience if a man wants a woman to have his baby he takes all the risk etc

My work colleague has just brought a house with her boyfriend - she’s in a good job and getting married August 2026. She’s 40 and wants to get cracking with a baby before they are married. (Huge wedding planned with lots of family coming from abroad etc) He put in all of the deposit £150 K in joint names - she has kept her own flat equity of £150 K in her name only she’s rented it out the rent is paying her mortgage. Meanwhile until they marry he is paying all bills and mortgage telling her to save her money for when she is on maternity leave so she has a buffer for her. The house is in joint names. If the relationship fails she keeps her flat and 1/2 the house.
This is without being married. This seems fair she takes the risk on having a baby they both want. This is their choice and what they have decided as fair right now - this is their fair and others might disagree.

My other friend is again 40 and has already had a baby with her partner. She does not want to marry. She is wealthy and he isn’t. She had £500 K house paid off before she met him. He lives with her and pays for basic bills etc
He earns far less than her. They had no mortgage. They have just brought a house together, about £850 K she has put in all the deposit, she has taken on a mortgage joint with him for £350 K they have one child. He is no way earns what she does they have a deed of trust that if they break up, the house is sold or valued and the first £500 K goes to her and the rest is split 50/50. This is what they have decided is fair. The mortgage is not split 50/50 she pays more. But they decided that was fair. They had an adult conversation but she was only bothered about her prior asset and not what they do as a couple she thinks 50/50 is fair.

Another friend (female) has brought a house with her partner (female) and they have one child each. Friend had 500 K and her partner nothing and brought a £1 million pound house they have a deed of trust to say if the house is sold / relationship breaks up friend gets 75% and her partner 25% provided they have paid off the mortgage 50/50. Her partner wants her to leave the house jointly to both children friend has said no - neither child is biologically the others and has insisted their share goes to their child / difficult conversation and they didn’t agree but they have done it. But again these conversation are had before you move in / buy / have children etc

Apologies for the long response and I am in no way comparing surrogacy to having a baby in a loving equal relationship but it’s difficult to put a physical financial amount on what you have contributed without trying to at least financially explain the risk you have taken to your body etc / - you can’t but the point is still there and it might help him to see the risk you have taken to your health and body without him risking anything from his side.

When we got married ( after a relationship of many years ) we chose to go very low key .
No guests , just the two witnesses , no big dress or suits . The four of us went for a meal in the evening .
It doesn't have to cost loads of money or a big fuss .

Again, are you mad? You claim them anyway and then he pays them back in tax if necessary. If you don’t do this and then don’t work your state pension and various other benefits are affected if you ever need them. A quick google would have told you this.

Why are you just passively letting this man bamboozle you into being his unpaid slave and childminder? Women up FFS.

It may sound old-fashioned but there are very good reasons for doing marriage and children in that order.
Having said that, you are where you are and extremely vulnerable financially. He sounds like a tight-fisted misogynist and I would suggest you start working and begin to put some money aside for the future.

Yes exactly, shouldn't parents be modelling positive relationships for their children not schools if a someone throwing you a bit of attention is all it takes how does that show children how they should be negotiating relationships

You are in a very precarious financial situation and your DH is doing nothing to help you with that.

In your shoes I’d go back to work ft. Put money aside for pension and to save up for a house of your own, even if you do rent it out.

You need to think of yourself as financially single and act accordingly.

If you DH doesn’t want this, he has a choice, he either assists you in being financially independent, such as pays for childcare, supports you going back to work, puts you on the deeds for the house or marries you, or you leave, and change your situation.

He's controlling and keeping you tied to him financially. Find a job and get your own place.