Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

He has no say in this @HannahXsanderson . He reduces his hours and you sort it out together if he has an opinion. He doesn't get an opinion on it otherwise, particularly as he is not prepared to make any financial commitment to you.

Why can leave those children vulnerable? If OP had children from previous relationships not marrying her partner will leave her and previous children homeless if they ever break up.

You need to get married asap, then your name not being on the deeds won't matter. Ditto his pension, life insurance and so on.

You’re completely mad. And reckless about your future and your child’s future. You’ve made both you and your child dependent on a mean and controlling man. You’re in an incredibly precarious financial position.

This will not end well. Go back to work and save for your own place. Stop running your savings down. If he thinks your DC is too young for nursery (100 quid says they’d be fine) then he can go part time and look after them. At least you could do a couple of shifts at the weekend when he can look after your DC himself to start with.

If you do decide to stay with him and not work then as a minimum you should be asking for-

• properties/ savings held jointly;
• enough money for you to have the same spending power as him;
• he needs to take out life insurance with you as beneficiary and leave his share of the house to you if he dies (or create a trust).

How an earth you thought it was a good idea to get into this situation is beyond me but the good thing is that you’ve realised and, hopefully, can get out of it. Just don’t have more kids in the meantime.

You are right to not feel secure.

I've been on the exact same position as you and my partner then, now husband, included me on the deeds of our family home. He understood that me not working was saving him money in childcare and he also knew it wasn't fair for me to sacrifice a salary, working years and any possible promotions, and not have a future home secured at least. So, I was included in the deeds, also nominated in the life insurance and bank account.

Your partner doesn't seem committed enough and you should see this as a red flag.

You also know that this 'go back to work when DC is three' goes to shit as that's precisely when most parents decide to have a second DC. You need to go back now and hang what he wants. He's getting everything he wants and you're getting nothing but a ticking timebomb of being left high and dry with the DC and no home, income, employability, pension, self-esteem, the list goes on.

I wouldn't of given up work if I had no financial security or income of my own.

Do you have someone IRL who can help? Your parents ? Any friends ?

i dreaded telling mine about my now ex - but they were so relieved and supportive and helpful

Your partner is a scumbag, he wants free cleaner, free childcare, free sex and then after few years he will kick you out and you'll have nothing, you'll be homeless..
And she's had free board and lodging, no bills, free sex and is a SAHM.

Your only way to stay with him is to be married - forget all the bollox about common-law wife (means nothing) and I certainly wouldn't put you on the deeds of a house I'd already owned for you to take me to the cleaners so I'm with him there! If you're genuinely worried about your financial future (which you need to be) then the only solution is marriage. I'd give him a short timescale and then move out if it doesn't happen. Start looking for jobs/retraining etc so you have something if the worst happens.

Why on earth are people running around having kids without being married? I just dont get it. You need to take some personal responsibility here. You have put yourself in a very weak position. There is one way put and its to get married. I wouldn't put you on a house I bought bc you haven't committed yourself to me either. Feels like you are impulsive and now paying the price for that. I hope things work out for you but you really have been quite silly IMHO

You need to tell him that you are going back to work because you are financially vulnerable right now.

He wants you at home without money and without security? Fuck that. Don't be foolish.

This.

Because men and society have successfully convinced women that marriage is just a pointless piece of paper. Not cool or trendy. It's for boring middle aged women.

"There is no such thing as a common-law wife" needs to be put on t-shirts and bumper stickers.

He doesn’t have his family’s interests at heart only his own. And of course he doesn’t want child in nursery yet as means more financial contributions from his good salary which he’d rather keep. But at the same time beating up on OP for not really directly ‘financially’ contributing. This man is a right turn off for me.

@HannahXsanderson agree with PP advice to not have any more kids with him. Your focus now that he’s shown you who he is, is to focus on personal financial independence. Once DC is in nursery, seize every second to get on the career ladder. Your gut tells you he has no regard for your financial or future security so empower yourself now please. The years fly by so quickly and you want to make sure you’re putting in steps now to build a career with hopefully a good private pension - same as that which your husband is likely already contributing to.

So many women, give in to their urges to have more kids or get further trapped because their partner promises x, y and z once they have another child, once she’s bought that child up to nursery age, then he’ll marry her, support her with her career and so many times it never materialises and the mother is left financially crippled as well as vulnerable and even if the home is split it’s not enough to purchase a property alone. It just becomes a mess. I hope you’re able to take charge of your one life and can have a happy secure life with DC.

Does he want to get married and this is his way of forcing your arm? If not, just go back to work and make a stronger financial position for yourself and plot your escape. It doesn't sound like a love match if he's happy to have a child with and insist you dont work ... but then gives you and your child - his child - no rights whatsoever.

Because of his earnings I’m not entitled to child benefit. Thank you so much for the advice!

So she needs to remind him of her worth then? He sees her as his property or as a threat to his financial well being. He doesn't see her value to him as he's got everything without sacrificing anything.

You should claim it anyway and he pays it back. Because then you get National Insurance credits.

I wanted to get married 🤷🏼‍♀️ he’s been making excuses ever since.

To make her stay, and for him to maintain the status quo, which suits him enourmously.

This has all the makings of financial abuse.

Because you have given him all the benefits of marriage (children, woman at home to make his life easier, regular sex) without him having to make the legal and financial commitment.

As the saying goes you’ve given/are giving him the milk for free so why would he buy the cow.

So tell him @HannahXsanderson it's time to put up or shut up. If you're not married or in a civil partnerhip in the next 3/12 you'll be leaving and claiming CMS.

You can still claim it and he has to pay it back in taxes.

When you go back to work, don't contribute financially but split up and buy your own house. At least you'd have something to fall back on then.