Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

Why would she want to saddle herself with a man who treats her so badly?

Have you read and understood how he behaves?

If you knew what he was like you it was unwise to get into this situation. However, you have to weigh up the situation as it is now. Do you just carry on being financially dependent or do you leave and become a single parent. I don't think I would get a job and contribute to a house I didn't own.

I don't think I would get a job and contribute to a house I didn't own.

Oh god, yes, even if (hopefully when and very soon!) you go back to work, don't be paying for his house without being on the deeds or being married. Use your money to rebuild your savings and get your own place. I'm afraid it sounds like you'll need it because guys like this very rarely change. It's his way or the highway, so you need to get your own finances in order and not rely on him.

Why would he marry her? There’s absolutely nothing in it for him at this point.

Come on, Marriage and a cohabitation agreement both need the no cooperative partner to sign something.
To make a legal commitment.
A person who owns a house and has children can say no to both and the other person has no legal back other than to accept nothing.
Common law needs to be used to address this matter providing consent without paperwork to protect the poorer partner.
If you lived together 15 years had children and your partner died, the partner’s parents or siblings, even the children could take the house and any assets, leaving the other partner penniless.

Do yourself a favour go and get some legal advice and make contact with your local women's support group. As far as I understand it, you are defacto a common law wife and therefore would be entitled to at least half of all assets including pensions etc upon separation. It doesn't matter what he says or thinks, what matters is the law. Whatever you do start saving for a fuck off fund in case you feel you need to leave. All the best and get the legal advice IMHO.

What is his excuse for not updating his will or life insurance? It won't be any skin off his nose, he'll be dead.
Right now you are in a precarious position financially. I would strongly suggest that you go back to work.

Please listen to the advice on here. For you and your child’s sake you need to go back to work.

What he is doing is leaving you with no savings, no home, no income and no pension. This is tying you to him as you can’t afford to leave.

You need to get your own income and he needs to contribute at least 50% to childcare including housing, clothes food as well as nursery.

Please listen to the advice on here. For you and your child’s sake you need to go back to work.

What he is doing is leaving you with no savings, no home, no income and no pension. This is tying you to him as you can’t afford to leave.

You need to get your own income and he needs to contribute at least 50% to childcare including housing, clothes food as well as nursery.

Please listen to the advice on here. For you and your child’s sake you need to go back to work.

What he is doing is leaving you with no savings, no home, no income and no pension. This is tying you to him as you can’t afford to leave.

You need to get your own income and he needs to contribute at least 50% to childcare including housing, clothes food as well as nursery.

Please listen to the advice on here. For you and your child’s sake you need to go back to work.

What he is doing is leaving you with no savings, no home, no income and no pension. This is tying you to him as you can’t afford to leave.

You need to get your own income and he needs to contribute at least 50% to childcare including housing, clothes food as well as nursery.

But a choice they made both together as a couple.

I think that you need to do 2 things, get back to work and get married. At least you would have so e financial security.

Common law spouses have no legal recognition of their relationships, that’s why everyone’s saying OP has to protect herself and her child by not relying financially on her boyfriend anymore.

If you’re going to make a ridiculous comparison then at least consider that all the circumstances should be the same in both scenarios.

I’m in a similar vulnerable position to you.

You’re not expecting too much - but you have made the wrong decision being with this man.

I’m not married but my partner talks of marrying me (I am the one who is reticent). Like your partner mine bought his house long before I moved in.

I’m on his life insurance policy and half of his retirement in the event he passes. We do need to draft our wills but that is on me as I haven’t done it yet.

In my country I have financial protections in the event of a breakdown of a defacto relationship.

You need to seriously consider this relationship. You may be better off if you leave him and have him pay child support.

There needs to be a financial conversation between the pair of you. My partner has brought up buying a new house and putting me on the deed. I’ve never brought this up.

I think that the UK needs laws for better financial protections for women whose defacto husbands refuse to marry them.

I would say YABU for getting in this situation. You knew the score when you got pregnant but did it anyway.
If you give up work and have a baby and live in a house you don’t have any claim on the there’s not much wiggle room.

Go back to work. There really is nothing else to be said.

If my partner was telling me I couldn't be on the deeds of a new house we were planning on moving into because I don't co tribute financially then I would be making immediate plans to find a job and id be telling him that I intend to be paying towards the house and therefore need to be on the deeds. He can't dictate to you when to go back to work then refuse to let you have any ownership of a house because you aren't contributing so take control and get back into work now! It is important to protect your own financial security no matter how close you are with a partner.

Please don't repeat the common law wife myth. There's no such thing and believing that there is helps get women into all kinds of trouble when they think they have protections and don't. The only wife the law recognises is one who gets married. This should be a permanent ad on Mumsnet as it's such a problem.

You need to get back to work. Do not allow this man to actively de-skill you.

Willing to guess you have given your child his surname? 🙄
You’ve got yourself into a really vulnerable position which was stupid but you can’t change the past. Your only real option now is to tell him you’ve had enough of being taken advantage of and he either marries you (doesn’t have to be a big do, you just need the legal bit) or you’re out of here, and mean it. If he refuses to marry the mother of his child who he purports to love then 🤷🏻‍♀️ that’s your answer, right? No point being together anyway. He loves his money more than you.

Given everything the op has said about the controlling nature of this man, I’d predict he’d stop her by refusing to contribute towards childcare costs and help with drop off/pick up.
But also I advised her earlier on this thread that it’s her decision to go back to work, not his.
I took issue with pp’s statement that she “chose” not to work- my response to that is what you’re responding to.

He is emotionally and financially trapping you.

• He is stopping you from workin, claiming it is for his child's benefit but it's as much a benefit to him as it stops you having an financial independence. Him causing an "atmosphere" over it when you did go back is emotional abuse to keep you in check.
• He won't add you to the house, yes he can argue it was his before and financially he contributed more. However having a child is a partnership and there are legal ways he can protect his assets while still offering you some security by drawing up legal documents to only entitle you to a certain percentage of the house.
• He is holding the potential of marriage in future over you because he thinks it will keep you quiet for now.
• Suggesting anymore children is another way to trap you, the more you have the harder it will be to walk away.
• Saying you don't contribute (when he is A stoping you and B you are looking after his child) is again emotional abuse.

There are a lot of red flags here and I am sorry you are in this situation. Please think of yourself and your child. I know many have said you need to lock him down with marriage but think carefully about whether you even want to share your life with this man. You say the only issues is the in-laws, but from what you have posted it's not because he is emotionally and financially abusing you.

This. I moved in with my partner into his house on the basis that it was to save for a wedding within the year. You have left yourself vulnerable financially here.

I think his approach to this is the main issue and I would be giving him 3 options

1. you're put on the deeds 2) you go to a registry office and get married without any faff - up to him if he wants a bigger 'wedding' later 3) you go back to work full time and he pays through the nose for childcare.

You became a package deal the second you gave birth to his child. This isn't about protecting his assets, this is about ensuring security for his children and his attitude of self preservation doesn't fit with a family man.

My ex also took a lot of feet dragging around putting me on the deeds of his house, turned out he was cheating and was also trying to save his assets should I find out but since I'd insisted on getting married I was still entitled to half of the house.

If he doesn't want to mess about with deeds then he needs to marry you. He cannot expect you to give up your career and pension and provide care to his family 24-7 and not give you any security. The fact he "created an atmosphere" about you returning to work is very worrying and it's quite manipulative behaviour.

I think you really need to put your foot down here and maybe look into some legal advice. Do you have any money in your own name or savings? If you had to leave with your children tomorrow could you do it?

If you can't get him to agree to this I'd suggest marriage counselling/mediation to try and resolve it but if that didn't work then I'd actually be separating. He sounds arrogant and old fashioned at best, controlling and misogynistic at worst. Neither is good. Know your value op.