Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

Only if they are the higher earner/have more assets.

Go back to work. He is financially abusing you if you’re being expected to live off your savings doing his biding to stay at home to look after your joint child.

It’s not just about your financial security now, it’s also your financial security in the future. The longer you are out of the work force the harder it is to get a job especially one using your expertise.

I agree - you want rights and benefits you get married or CP.

Always opt in; not opt out.

You need to go back to work OP, split childcare costs, house chores. You are not in a partnership with this man and are in a very vulnerable position.

So you are in a controlling relationship depleting your savings with a man who emotionally abuses you for wanting to return to work.

Of course he isn't putting you on the deeds.

Wake up for goodness sake.

Do not marry him.
Do not have more children.

Contact Women's aid for advice.

Get back to work.
Tell family and friends the truth.
Get support and start protecting yourself and your child.
This relationship is toxic.

He would need to pay child maintenance, her child is now 2 so they will get funding for nursery. She will need to start working and contributing in return for a stake in the new house, or end the relationship.

All these childcare/maternity leave situations must be discussed before planning a baby or at the very least before the baby is born.

I'd never put a "partner in a rocky relationship" on my house deeds or future house deeds, but that's even if they could contribute financially because if Rocky, it's likely to end up in divorce. This would only make it harder for myself. I do not find that unreasonable, he's protecting himself financially.

However, if he's asking you not to work, if it was a joint decision, he had to fully fund it. You had to have access to a joint bank account, never having to use your savings and he should be putting money in your pension.

You should have never given him the power to decide if you should go back to work or not, this has to be your decision. I think he's future faking, he only gives you a roof and food and he gets everything free, he has no incentive to change this....unless you really wanted this because you wanted to be a SAHM? Even with all these financial risks?

I'd be going back to work FT, taking child to childcare and both of you have to pay proportional of your income. Do not take anything less. If he doesn't accept this, I'd leave as soon as possible. There's a huge power imbalance that won't change and the fact that he doesn't care that you do all the childcare and finished your savings is financial abuse.

Or he could kick her out, leave her homeless and only need to pay a paltry amount in maintenance while she struggles alone.

Exactly. I worked a full-time professional job years ago when I had my 1st DC. Just as well, because I was able to be financially independent when we split up.

I’m aware of the Gender Pay Gap, which is why I brought it up. Statistically, women are more likely to be earning less than men in this country. Fact. So statistically, it is more likely than not that OP earns less than her partner, who is a male.

Or if they have children from a previous marriage - marrying again can leave those DC very vulnerable. There’s also the risk that abusive men could trap women into “common law” marriages if cohabitation rights were a thing.

He sounds stingy, I don't see how he can expect you to not work to look after the child, then not share the house. You were contributing financially before and he's literally told you not to contribute financially to look after your child.

You are contributing financially because your saving him having to pay for nursery fees for a start. I assume your also cleaning, cooking, and taking on the rest of the mental load which is worth something.

I wouldn't be a stay at home mum to this sort of man personally. Doesn't sound like he believes in interdependence or even remotely respects what you are doing.

Come now, how do you end up doing what he wants to the massive detriment of yourself? What he wants is to own his house and have you doing all the work of looking after it and him and raising his offspring, with zero security or funds for yourself. You have sleepwalked into this, despite seeming to know all the risks. Now is the time to sort it out before you're truly screwed. Go back to work, and if he has any issue with that, point out that 'what he wants' leaves you with no property nor the ability to financially contribute to one. He sounds sexist and selfish so chances are he'll never get it, but as a first base you have to stop pandering to what he wants and sort your own position out properly right now.

So your partner makes all the decisions?

You're coming over as a bit passive and under his thumb.

'Create an atmosphere' shows he's an immature bully.

Two is not too young for nursery. Some parents have no choice and their babies go from 6 months (which I'd hate personally) but two is perfectly acceptable.

You need to think about your career, independence and what happens if you split up from this man.

Sorry to be blunt but you've smelled the coffee too late- you're dependent on him and have allowed this to happen.

I really don't know how women end up with these terrible men and think they have found a good 'catch' when in fact they've landed themselves with a controlling idiot.

And what happens when you come to the end of your savings and are left with absolutely nothing? Is he going to watch you be unable to buy yourself a coffee or new underwear and not give you anything? Does that sound like someone you want to be with?

Get married asap at least you’ll have some financial security.

This is why marriage exists: to protect women. Please get married.

You're assuming the man wants to!
If he's a tight as it appears, why would he?
She'd fleece him for money if they split up.

He won’t marry her - there’s no benefit for him.

And then get a good lawyer for a divorce.

Honestly, the advice here is dire.

It's perpetuating the 'little woman must rely on a man' rather than be able to support herself.

If he has any brain at all, he won't marry her as he knows he'd have to pay up if they split up.

Exactly.

If you are with this fellow for the long term you will need to hasten the marriage. How can you feel at all secure without marriage?
Once you have the new home and are married, go to see a Financial Advisor together (or see one at the Bank during the house search) to learn how best you can together create family wealth.
Trust in each other to save and have a similar view on future financial security - for the whole family.

If all this sounds far fetched then you are possibly with the wrong man.

OP I think it's clear to other people that your relationship is one-sided. He doesn't put you first and is controlling.

Do you really want to stay with this kind of man?
You've set the bar low.

You need to get work. With an income you can eventually find housing (build up a deposit and don't tell him.)
Enrol your child at a nursery- 30 hours free childcare.

Make a plan to leave.

You will have a life of misery with this man and he may leave you anyway - so you need to support yourself.

Which is why women who plan to give up work when they have children should always get married before having children. The reality is that this set up remains common and mothers remain more likely to be vulnerable and more likely to fall into poverty if a relationship breaks down.

100% this. Absolutely spot on advice from lafufufu