Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

But that’s what marriage and civil partnerships are for. We don’t need “cohabitation rights”.

If you were not looking after the children he would not be able to earn the money that he clearly thinks is his alone and which he will be putting into the house.

Obviously not, but you seemed to think it was enough that she was being 'kept' whereas I think it puts her in a vulnerable position.

But you are contributing financially by making raising your child - otherwise you would be paying £xxx in childcare/ month - that is your contribution to the household income, which your partner insisted by saying he doesn’t want you to work for 3 years. I get that he has been paying for the mortgage and bills - but has he also been saving during the time you’ve had off work?
You shouldnt have had to run your savings dry to raise your child - your DP should have been allocating some of his monthly wages to living costs for you. Who pays for your child’s clothes/ activities/ family day trips etc? Does your DP think you’ll have no living expenses apart from household bills for three years? What about your prescriptions, haircuts, clothes etc? Plus you won’t be contributing to your pension in that time - this is impacting your present and future finances.
OP you are in a grossly unequal financial position to your partner and you are in a very vulnerable position.

Well I am a stay at home mum (I now also own half of our business but that’s only recent as previously my husband worked and I didn’t). The difference is we both agreed on this before we married and had kids, his income was always classed as ours. The issue in the OP’S case if she had a kid with a man like this without marrying him ans seemingly without having discussed finances!

We do need to educate young women about the benefits of marriage though. It’s terrifying that so many of them find themselves in situations like this.

Too fucking bad. He can stay home and look after him then. Tell him good partners recognise they don’t get a family for free but you’ve exhausted your savings looking after the child you have together and since he doesn’t financially support his family you need a job and he needs to do a lot more parenting, that easy role he doesn’t value at all but also insists you do.
op, you don’t realise how vulnerable you are. He does not get to tell you you can’t go to work and also he won’t support the family. Starting now he does 50/50 non working hours, you don’t spend a penny of your savings or spend time doing his laundry or cooking, you are job hunting and looking for a childcare. If you don’t put your foot down now you are settling for a life of being treated as less until you leave and are poor or he moves on and you’re poor. You cannot afford to be a sahm. Remember also men do like their friends to assume they are good men, say you will have to explain to all his friends that you’ve been spending your savings so they understand why you’re back at work.

I wish people would stop suggesting things like this - he can kick her out with not even a moments’ notice - the last thing she should be doing is making silly threats and ultimatums 😩

““HannahXsanderson · Today 07:30
I’d be happy to go back to work, but my partner feels our 2 year old is to young for nursery. I did a couple of shifts when my maternity ended but he didn’t like me going to work and would create an atmosphere about it. The ups and downs in our relationship have been to do with the in-laws not necessarily us.”

Tell him tough shit, he's made it clear that he's going to leave your financially vulnerable so you have to go back to work to build your own financial security! He can't have it both bloody ways! And he'll be going 50/50 on childcare costs for full time nursery when you return to work.”

This. And have a hard think about why what he wants is more important than what you want. Because actually it isn’t - what you want is just as important.

As many of us have said upthread, if he is so opposed to nursery care, why isn’t he doing some of the childcare? And if he is so opposed, why is you staying home of so little value?

The answer is: because he is sexist and unthinking on these points. He thinks it’s your job to stay home and bear all the financial risk and capitulate to him because he is the man and you are just a woman, and your contribution is vital but somehow, at the same time, counts for nothing.

Oh, I absolutely agree with you. But women should also have the ability to opt out of any agreements and to just live with their partners if that’s what they want.

We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.

send him an invoice for the 24/7 childcare and ask him to financially contribute.

She has worked hard. She had savings but hes bled her dry by expecting her at home but not funding her. Total fucker behaviour, I think there should be public stocks for men who think they get to say I have a family , a beautiful baby, but they don’t look after the family or fund it.

@HannahXsanderson do you normally do what he says, whether you agree with him or not?

Yep - she’s very vulnerable - so issuing ultimatums would be a really silly thing to do.

What they want and what’s actually best for them and their dc long term are too separate things. No one wants to be shafted by someone they thought loved them…

Ever heard of the Gender Pay Gap? So it’s sexist to believe the facts?

@HannahXsanderson - just to check: are you in England or Wales? We’re all assuming that’s the case but there are other jurisdictions where women in your situation have better protections. The Law Commission here is looking at a law change on this also, so that unmarried partners have greater rights in certain situations than they currently do, but goodness knows how long that will take to happen.

OP should take some responsibility in this mess. She had choices - she still does.

Cool then he can stay home and look after your 2 year old. What a twat.

Why do people have children in circumstances such as these? Why not discuss deeds, finances, marriage etc before having a child?

You are in a vulnerable position, but do not have more children with him. You need financial security for yourself first and foremost and for the sake of yourself and your children.

Then they should get married if they want that protection 🤷‍♀️ that’s quite literally what it’s there for.

However it should also be okay to live with your partner without ever getting married if that’s what you want to do. Lots of women are better off without marriage, after all.

It's sexist if you to assume that there's a gap in this particular relationship. The gender pay gap isn't about the gap between individuals in couples. It's about the average between the sexes in the entire population. Particularly in the well-educated middle class there are plenty of relationships where the woman out-earns the man.

By telling her that he won’t fund 50% of nursery fees, won’t do drop offs/pick ups, won’t do cleaning, cooking, laundry, bath times, etc. OP could end up working FT PLUS being the FT parent/maid/cook, and be funding 100% of nursery fees.

She should have thought about this before having a baby with a DP rather than a DH. She is really vulnerable here.

No, you can’t.

In most cases, if there’s a mortgage she’ll have to go on that too to be on the deeds.

With no income, there’s very little chance of that.

I work in this area.

OP, your “DP” is controlling you, especially with regard to working.

Hell get worse as the years go by, he won’t marry you, he’ll get arsey everytime you work, you’ll be left vulnerable with nothing when someone better comes along.