Partner won’t put me on deeds to the house

[HannahXsanderson]

Hello,
AIBU I have been with my partner for 5 years and we have a 2 year old together, things have been slightly rocky since having our child but other than that our relationship is good. We currently live in my partners house which he had bought before we met. I contributed to the house before baby arrived but haven’t went back to work as my partner very fortunately earns a good wage and doesn't want me me to go back to work until our child is 3 and starts nursery. We are planning on moving into a bigger family home this year and I assumed that I would be made a co-owner. I brought this up to my partner and he said absolutely not because I’m not financially contributing.
I disagree with this as I feel that I am contributing in the sense that I’m brining up his child and keeping his house clean ect ect.. I just find it very odd that we are in a well established relationship and he said once we buy a house he wants to get married, so my thought is what’s the problem with me being put on the deeds to our family home?
I feel very insecure about this, I saved up money to keep myself going these past couple of years and my savings are nearly done, so it’s not as if he hands me money ect… he pays bills and food shopping.
I feel that he is reluctant on making a commitment and especially a financial commitment not even just to me but his own child. He also refuses to update his will or life insurance policy if anything were to happen to him.
Am I expecting too much?
I feel that I need to have some sort of security about our relationship especially since I’m dependent on him. I also feel that we’re not equal as he makes comments that this is his house ect..

You really need to fix this your partner sounds very controlling

either he marries you to show his commitment to a long term partnership

or

you go back to work and he pays 50% of the childcare costs

Tell him that due to your financial instability and his unwillingness to put you on the deeds and to get married now, that you're returning to work. And that he will now need to do 50% of childcare and domestic work.

Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

@HannahXsanderson

This with bells on:

“Bestfootforward11 · Today 08:52

I don’t think the situation is fair on you at all.
Your partner wants you to stay at home with your child and look after the home. He gives you a roof over your head and buys the food but beyond that it sounds like you are using your own money and any financial security you had from savings has depleted. The longer you do not work, the more you are at significant financial risk, and he is giving every indication that you cannot rely on him financially.
He, on the other hand, has the benefit of someone looking after his child and home for much less cost than if he had to pay a live in nanny and cleaner. He gets to continue to build financial wealth and security.
As it stands, he wants you to bear all the risk. I really don’t think this is fair. I also think there is something deeply unpleasant about how he has left you to use up your savings while telling you he wants you to stay at home with your child. There appears to be the underlying belief that he’s doing you a favour by letting you live in the house etc and your role is not significant in terms of building financial wealth when of course it is. I do not think he sees you as equal or value the work of looking after the home and children which is somewhat depressing.
I think you need more commitment from him. I don’t think he’s operating as part of a team. You need to make decisions here to protect yourself and your child because so far he is not showing himself to be someone you can count on. Good luck.”

2 is not too young to be in nursery at least some of the time and if he feels so strongly about it why doesn’t he go part time and do some of the childcare. Also, you are contributing financially by staying home and removing the need for childcare.

As PPs have said, you’re taking all the risk here. If he wants you to stay home (and you want to stay home), he needs to offer you proper financial security. When now DH (then partner) and I bought our house together (and we didn’t have DCs then but had just started trying), he contributed a lot more financially than I did but we own it equally. While I was on may leave, he paid all the costs related to our home (mortgage, bills, food etc). That’s a proper partnership.

This man is taking all the benefits without meeting his obligations. You need a serious talk and if he won’t change his position, you may need to review the relationship. And do NOT have another child with him until this is sorted.

Why does it have to be a part time minimum wage job? Most women I know returned to well paid full time jobs after maternity leave.

Then I would honestly leave. Alone she would get help with housing, benefits, help towards childcare costs to work and CMS from partner. Hard but possible. Particularly when the alternative is unpaid unappreciated slave.

You have no choice, you have to work - you are totally fucked here. You have zero money, zero power or leverage in the situation. Get a job ASAP and do not have any more children with him!

Absolutely this, you have nothing here.

When he said, 'I'd like you to stay at home with our baby till they are 3' you agreed, which was insane. What you should have said to him was no way were you getting pregnant without having got married or once pregnant, said, 'I can't give up work without being married or on the house feeds as I would be too financially vulnerable'.

If sounds like you also didn't want to work full time and were quite pleased to be at home so just did that.

OMG you need to get back to work NOW - thats a massive red flag him trying to keep you out of work -- its to keep you relying on him.

Tell him to quit work and look after the child if he doesn't want him in nursery.

You'd be better off alone - get a job, make plans to move out!

You will get funded nursery now from September if you are employed - and he'll have to play child maintenance

I don't think he is being unreasonable not putting OP on deeds, especially as the relationship has been rocky - emotions set aside, that would be poor financial judgement.

However he could and should make sure that in the event of his death that she inherits the house and any pensions available.

Probably a couple of times a week, sadly.
When will we women learn

Exactly that. When he proposed you stay at home OP, where was the conversation about how you were going to manage without your wage coming in.

Even slaves get housed. She's not getting a wage and she will get nothing in recompense if they split up.

He'd be pretty dumb to do that if, as you say, the relationship is rocky atm

Do what's best for you. Earn your financial independence.

He won’t let you work, but he won’t support you so you’ve blown through your savings, he hasn’t married you, he won’t put your name on the house, he won’t add you to his will or make you beneficiary of his life insurance… @HannahXsanderson, how did you get yourself into this mess? What were you thinking? As soon as he started being abusive about you going to work, you should have left him. You’ve been an idiot. Get out, and get a job.

I feel so sorry for women today.
Why has there never been a law that states if a couple live together and have a child ,that the disadvantaged parent has some legal right to recompense in the event of a split, with regards to joint assets.
obviously having a child ties you to a person for 18 years and some couples never marry and the poorer partner can just be discarded like an old coat with no legal obligation.

@HannahXsanderson An unmarried stay at home mum who is financially reliant on a man for her day to day survival 🙄🙄🙄.

I was in your partners situation in that I owned my house and my partner moved in. We have a child and I refused to put him on my mortgage (he didn’t drop any hours though or place himself in a vulnerable situation ). We are now buying a house together but my deposit is ring fenced 🤩.

You are working as you are caring for his child and managing the home but unfortunately it’s not respected by your partner . You need to get back to work, what is your back up plan if he leaves the relationship ? X

LEAVE HIM.

I am so sorry, but this is awful. Not what a partnership or God forbid marriage should look like.

I would be tempted to have him put out of his own house and live there with the child. I would be so upset and angry that he is enjoying me as a partner, mother and housekeeper, and keeping all the assets for himself.

I can understand you not going on the deeds of the current house. Maybe.
But you should buy the next one together.

Say to him:

If we don't jointly own our home, and you won't make any financial provision for me or the baby in any way, then you must be joking if you think we are getting married.

I really think you should take advice and leave him.

He won’t change - men like him don’t change. A lodger has more rights than you do.

Going back to work (eventually) should be an aim, for your pension as well as other reasons. But this won’t be easy because of the reasons mentioned by @neverbeenskiing . It’s also relevant to point out the economy is terrible right now.

For the time being, bide your time and get support from Women’s Aid and friends and family, specifically regarding future temporary housing options. Squirrel away as much money as you can.

I also think that you should have counselling to explore why you got yourself and your child into this situation.

You've had some excellent advice so far op. I agree with pps in that you need to get away from this controlling pos.

Please go back to work ft and work out how to extract yourself from this relationship. He's trying (successfully) to stop you from earning money , that's not the act of someone that loves and cares for you.

Think about what would happen to you and your child if he kicked you out or if he died. You have to take care of yourself because he doesn't care. The longer you are in this situation the more vulnerable you become.

Tell him tough shit, he's made it clear that he's going to leave your financially vulnerable so you have to go back to work to build your own financial security! He can't have it both bloody ways! And he'll be going 50/50 on childcare costs for full time nursery when you return to work.

Start charging him for childcare and domestic duties. If he doesn't want you to work then he needs to contribute.

Does he have other kids?

He does not see this relationship lasting.

I wouldn’t mention it again, I would just push to move to a bigger home and then push to get married.

If by the time the child is 3 and you’re back at work, if he’s still made no effort to get married then I’d give him an ultimatum.

I understand him not wanting to put another person on the deeds when he’s worked hard to buy a home and you haven’t.
But when you choose to have a child with someone then you choose to share your assets.

I genuinely don't understand why people start a family etc and have kids before getting married and you know certifying that you're a union

Please do not tell me you are comparing ops situation to that of slaves

Maybe we need in this day and age for a lobby group to take up the cause of cohabitation rights.
It seems far more important, that peoples rights to protection from modern slavery are adddressed.
Think of your child living with someone on twice their income paying 50/50 often the mother on far less income also has to bear the childcare costs to work, while the other parent lives a more affluent life while in the same house.

@Gowkfnskanf the op doesn't have a time machine.