Granddaughter taking over weekends

[ThePerkyBiscuit]

My son (29) has moved back in with me as he's split from gf. I have lived alone for the last few years and enjoy my peace. His ex has been working on a Saturday and so my granddaughter (9) is there every Saturday overnight till Sunday. They take over the living room and tv. I enjoyed the peace I had , time for hobbies that have now been put aside at the weekends, I feel like saying this is my house and I don't want it every weekend. I feel every other weekend is reasonable. I am not the parent, obviously if something happened I would step up but it's just people putting others out cos they want what they want.

I hope very much that if any of my kids experienced a relationship breakdown and needed to come and stay with me while they got themselves on their feet, I would have it in me to enjoy their company and having my grandchildren come to stay for the weekend.
I would hope I had the patience and grace to empathise with the children who are going through a difficult phase and offer a safe space where they felt wanted and love. I would hope my children also felt supported.
I sincerely hope I’m not a miserable old cow who values hobbies and my tv over my family

Lots of hoping going on there @MumWifeOther!

Let's 'hope' if you are ever in that position, your health is good, your mental health is strong, your house is big enough to accommodate two other people you dont have a lay about adult child ( not saying ops is but I've had to deal with loads of families like this in my job)

In other words you can’t assume how you will be until you are actually in that position.

Oh OP, I bet some of the judgemental folk on here would also struggle with a change like this.

It's all very well saying your son should move out but it's not that quick and easy. Sometimes (well everywhere except Mumsnet) family help each other out. Shoving children out of the nest is always Mumsnet scorched earth policy for threads dealing with adult children.

Think back to what you expected it to be like and what the reality is. How can you close the gap? You say you don't have time for hobbies now. Why is that, is your hobby homebased?

Is there something else you could do yourself for a couple of hours, even just coffee and a cake out, or a gallery, museum, somewhere that is naturally quiet. I assume your son hasn't needed another adult around at all times with his daughter before, so he doesn't need it now.

You can claim back adult time when it comes to the living room. What did you do when your son was little? I bet he didn't take over the TV and living room.

OP, YANBU, nor are you an unloving mother or grandmother to want to live in your own home the way you choose.

Every other weekend would be more than reasonable and the other grandparents can do their bit to help their daughter. Failing that she needs to change either her working pattern or contact arrangements.

Your DS needs his own place pronto.

I'm not sure that's true. It depends on your working hours and other commitments.

I definitely don't have several hours of downtime every single day.

It's also more that when you decide to have children, you accept the "risk" they will need you in adult life too. No one has children thinking they can get rid of them the minute they turn 18. Why bother in the first place?

It's family, it's a lifelong commitment (or sentence, however you prefer to see it 😂)

It's one thing to expect your adult children to be independent and successful, for their own sake, and -like the OP - to resent a little girl coming once a week while her dad is staying.

Fighting for the sofa and tv all weekend sounds claustrophobic and a terrible environment for the child

Oh you are being very judgy. I notice a number of posts agreeing with OP have been demonised by yourself.
Getting personal too.
Anyhoo, I'm off to enjoy my sunday avo with the cat and a nice cup of tea.

God I’m so glad I don’t have a parent like you

I completely understand OP .
I hope your DS is at least paying rent.
It can be quite difficult to set up ‘house rules’ & know which/what they need to be, all of a sudden when a grown up child returns home.
Good luck with sorting this out!

You got used to your weekends being your time to relax and unwind and now your son and grandchild are in your space. You're not free anymore, you're back in the grind what had been your former downtime. You had a routine and that's gone.

Was this a short term thing? It might be time to talk to him and ask him to do something besides take up your living room all day and ask if he's moving any time soon. At least your son could be taking your grandkid out for a while in the daytime. They can go to a movie, a museum, go to a pool to swim, he takes her to an activity, but she needs something besides watching TV.

Are you cooking for them? Maybe he could cook a Saturday meal.

Are the other grandparents not present?

Can he not have her at his ex’s house?

What a miserable post.

I’m guessing OP isn’t coming back! But I think the strength of reaction isn’t because the OP is never allowed any time for herself, it’s because her suggested solution to the problem was to reduce her DS’s contact with his DD. Which punishes the child and creates a huge issue for the ex who will struggle to find childcare on a Saturday. As PPs have suggested there are far better compromises than this (setting a moving out date, asking DS to take DD out etc).
Also the OPs suggestion only takes the GD out of the house, reduced contact still means her DS is around so she doesn’t seem to have an issue having her DS, only the GD.

I feel for you, The Perky Biscuit. Every weekend is a bit much. I presume, please correct me if I am wrong, that you only have one sitting room. If you had a decent sized kitchen diner in addition to the sitting room, another telly and a small sofa could go in there, or maybe a conservatory - even a spare bedroom but if you have, say, the average three bed house that won't work. As it is you are all on top of each other and if you're at work all week, you need time to yourself at the weekend, no matter how much you love your son and granddaughter.

These arrangements only work well long term in a big house where there is a lot of private space.

What I hope, for all your sakes, is that your son can get a place of his own before too long. I imagine he is working towards this, he must want it eventually. Can you help him with that?

In the meantime, he and his child need to go out for some of the weekend. You, too, can go out - and enjoy yourself, find somewhere nice to go, that interests you, maybe with a friend but also on your own, not too far away and not just going round shops.

I wish you all good luck - please see this as a temporary arrangement and make sure your son knows it, Then you can put a good face on while it lasts.

This happened to my MIL. Adult (in 50s) son moved in after a relationship breakdown followed by his son (20s) who has "failed to launch". Dropped out of Uni after his first year and just plays computer games all day and night. She obviously didn't mind the odd weekend or Summer holiday but the GS is now there 24/7 and she HATES it. She did/does enjoy her son's company so feels she can't ask them to leave. She's trapped. I'd be having a conversation sooner rather than later.

YANBU because for one day and night a week you get to see your granddaughter and that is an inconvenience and burden to you - I think that’s terribly sad.

anyway I think you’ll need to ask your son to leave as his DD comes with him as a package deal and I would have thought that would have been obvious when you agreed for him to stay.

the thread is literally about the little girl "taking over weekends" 🙄

Not sure why you are so keen on arguing for the sake of arguing. Some of us only reply based on what the OP WRITES.

there are a lot of miserable people on this forum.

It's also more that when you decide to have children, you accept the "risk" they will need you in adult life too. No one has children thinking they can get rid of them the minute they turn 18. Why bother in the first place?
It's family, it's a lifelong commitment (or sentence, however you prefer to see it😂)
It's one thing to expect your adult children to be independent and successful, for their own sake, and -like the OP - to resent a little girl coming once a week while her dad is staying.
Fighting for the sofa and tv all weekend sounds claustrophobic and a terrible environment for the child

I understand that. The problem, as I see it, and I know I'm projecting my work expierences here, is that there is no end in sight.

What was supposed to be a temporary arrangement goes on and on.
Ive said it before and it may not be the case here but 'nan' , especially when it is the dad that has gone back home following a separation, picks up the housework, the child care etc. It always starts subtlety ' mum, are you ok if I nip out for a couple of hours? Then after a few weeks the asking stops and it is assumed its ok. When nan wants to do something that particular afternoon she us told ' but you know i go out at that time'
I understand op.
Normally you would make arrangements to go round to seen nan or they come to you and you do fun things together. Here she has been shoe horned into a situation.

YANBU because for one day and night a week you get to see your granddaughter and that is an inconvenience and burden to you - I think that’s terribly sad.
Op said Saturday and Sunay every week.
That's more than a day and night.

So?

Some people like their own space and peace

Women who stand up for themselves generally are criticised for being miserable, selfish, etc.,
Check your internal misogynistic tendencies.
OP has raised her children and has enjoyed living alone.
Her son is 29 and chose to get his girlfriend pregnant at 20.
It is perfectly reasonable for the OP to not want her life, her weekend, her hobbies and her home to be taken over by her son and grandchild.

Not at all.

why do you think the replies would be any different if OP was the grand-father?

Her son is 29 and chose to get his girlfriend pregnant at 20.
Who's migogynistic here? The girlfriend didn't have a say in that?

Oh

Do what he wants or suffer the consequences...

It's beyond me why you would wish that situation for anyone else if it could be avoided.