Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... ex, holiday, new DC

125 replies

MellowHiker · 19/07/2025 09:34

Would welcome opinions on this as RL opinions seem to be a bit mixed.

Share two teens with ex husband, DD is 16 and DS is 14.

Ex also has two DC with his wife who are 4 & 6.

He has told me this week that he, his wife and their DC have booked to go on a Lapland holiday on the weekend before Christmas this year. We are usually flexible with each other so long as we know in advance so that isn't necessarily the issue.

There's no invite for our DC though which I think it's really cruel. I've mentioned this and he's argued that they don't even believe in Santa and it's really more small child focused and is too expensive to take older kids who won't get much out of it. He has also said it's been booked by his DW. But when I've looked online it looks like they do all sorts like husky rides and other stuff that surely older kids would still enjoy even if they don't believe in Santa.

It's also rubbish because he isn't actually taking them anywhere this year (so far anyway) because he says work is too busy at the moment.

AIBU for thinking teens could still enjoy Lapland and he should take them? Or is he right that it's likely more small child focused and if you don't believe in Santa there isn't much point. He sent me the link after I asked and it does seem to be a lot of characters / elves and so forth but there are some things I think our DC would enjoy.

OP posts:
BIossomtoes · 19/07/2025 09:39

Team Ex. He should take them on a different, age appropriate trip another time. I can’t imagine teenagers doing anything but cringe at the prospect of a Christmas trip to Lapland.

x2boys · 19/07/2025 09:39

Have never been but it does seem to be a thing for small children
What do your kids think?

drspouse · 19/07/2025 09:40

We went to Lapland with my DCs who were 8 and 11 and they had a blast - we didn't bother with FC as it wasn't a huge deal for us generally, we went in Feb when it was lighter.
Take them somewhere else separately at a cheaper time of year.

AnimalLover24 · 19/07/2025 09:42

First reply nails it!

sunshine244 · 19/07/2025 09:53

I went to Lapland as an adult and it was amazing. But the way activities are set up would make it tricky to balance the needs of such different ages. The kids stuff tends to be aimed at very young children e.g. a bunch of short taster sessions of huskies, sledging, snowball fights etc interspersed with playing with elves, cooking decorating etc. They do it this way because it is, unsurprisingly, very cold. Lots of opportunities to get back indoors and warm up.

The adult/teen activities tend to be done by seperate companies in entirely different places. Often half or full day experiences which have age limits much above the younger kids ages.

The family would need to totally split up and these activities are expensive.

Personally I wouldnt take young kids to lapland. I saw too many having constantly meltdowns due to the cold. But if that's the plan I dont think its unreasonable to split the family as long as the older kids do something nice to make up for it.

RaininSummer · 19/07/2025 10:01

I dont think it's a great holiday for your teenagers tbh but it would be nice if ex promised them a different trip.

CopperWhite · 19/07/2025 10:05

I think that makes him a nasty bastard whatever the reasons and circumstances behind it. You do not go on a family trip and leave two of your own children out if you have any concern for their feelings, because it will obviously upset them.

No doubt the second wife is telling him it’s all fine because to her it is as long as he’s still being a good dad to her kids, but he is a weak and pathetic excuse for a father if he can hurt his own children like that.

MargaretThursday · 19/07/2025 10:13

Taking a 4 and 6yo with a 14 and 16yo would be really difficult to keep them all entertained. This isn't really a teen holiday, I'd have thought it far worse for them, the week before Christmas when they'd rather be shopping with mates, to be trailing round doing what tinies want to do.

TheOccupier · 19/07/2025 10:14

He should be doing some sort of holiday with his older DC but including them in the Lapland trip doesn't sound like a great idea.

ComtesseDeSpair · 19/07/2025 10:21

He definitely needs to be arranging a separate holiday for his older DC, preferably with their input into where. Lapland is awesome, but the family would have to be split up a lot if the time to do age-appropriate activities. Even in nuclear families it’s not that uncommon to organise separate holidays and day trips for different DC, especially if there’s a large age gap. My parents did it - there’re ten years between me and my youngest brother, when I was a teen and he was a preschooler, we didn’t exactly share the same interests.

grumpyoldeyeore · 19/07/2025 10:34

I think different holidays are fine for different needs. But treating some dc and not the others to a big trip is not fair assuming he, not his wife, is paying.

it’s not your job at 14 and 16 to manage his relationship with your dc they are old enough to express their own views. I let dc manage their own contact at that age as ex wound me up too much.

My ex has never taken dc on nice holidays as he’s too tight with money. I just concentrated on giving them the best childhood I could afford. It was his loss as he doesn’t have the funny memories or closeness with dc I do.

You could take the opportunity to do something different with your dc at Xmas as there is now no expectation to be available.

Mrsttcno1 · 19/07/2025 10:37

I agree with him tbh. It’s a VERY expensive trip and is very young-child focused so I wouldn’t think it worth taking two teens either. The children are totally different ages and at very different stages, it’s normal & expected even that they will be going on different holidays.

cadburyegg · 19/07/2025 10:47

Tricky one. I think he’s unreasonable based on the fact that he’s taking the younger ones to Lapland and not taking the teenagers anywhere at all. If he was taking them on an age appropriate trip somewhere else I would say Lapland for the little ones is reasonable. I’ve never been but can imagine juggling the different ages would be difficult. But it’s the disparity that’s the problem here. Is he usually fair to them?

Moana987 · 19/07/2025 10:50

I agree with your ex. I dont think your shared DC need to go on every trip that he does with his wife and much younger children. I think he's entitled to have time with them on a holiday that is essentially little child focused.

Enko · 19/07/2025 10:50

The question is not should he take them all. The question is what does he plan on doing with the 2 children you share.

Treating your children equally does not mean treating them the same.

hmmimnotsurewhy · 19/07/2025 10:52

I agree with him, it’s a very expensive holiday for teens who don’t believe as well. And at ages 4 and 6 you would need two adults to manage the kids. So trying to find teen things would just split the holiday and really defeat the purpose for the younger kids.

he should however do something separately with the teens

cadburyegg · 19/07/2025 10:54

Enko · 19/07/2025 10:50

The question is not should he take them all. The question is what does he plan on doing with the 2 children you share.

Treating your children equally does not mean treating them the same.

Agree with this

InBedBy10 · 19/07/2025 10:59

Unfortunately this is the reality of life after separation. Your DC cant and wont be included in every holiday, day out, activity, event..... It might not be fair in your eyes but that's the way it is. His new partner might want a holiday that's just her nuclear family and there's nothing wrong with that. Although im sure there will be alot on here foaming at the mouth about it.

Yes she got with him knowing he had kids but he also got with her knowing she didn't. There has to be compromise on both sides. She deserves to have some magical Christmas memories with her children just like you did. As long as your DC aren't left out of everything, I dont see the problem.

I also agree with your ex. It's a very expensive holiday and not for teens.

Blueblell · 19/07/2025 11:01

I think he is right sorry, but he should take them for a weekend somewhere they would enjoy at a different time.

Keepitrealnomists · 19/07/2025 11:06

Lapland has never appealed to me, I have young children and won't take them, I also love christmas.
Can you take your older DC away so they get a break?
Why does he have to take them away?

Jellyslothbridge · 19/07/2025 11:10

Another vote for him planning something for the older 2 (weekend in Iceland, London with theatre trip , music festival, Christmas markets in Budapest etc)

ellie09 · 19/07/2025 11:13

I have to agree with ex H on this occasion that it sounds like more of a trip for younger children and if older children go, arranging activities etc could be difficult.

Can their dad arrange a more age appropriate trip for his older kids? E.g. Disneyland Florida or a cruise holiday etc?

Moonnstars · 19/07/2025 11:14

I think he should have spoken to the children about it first. I can see both sides on this one. Normally I think that the holiday should include all children, but this sounds like it is set up especially to see Santa. If it was after Christmas then yes I would say it wasn't fair and I imagine they would then be doing more general stuff like the dog sleigh.

I think it would be worth speaking to him about him not having a holiday this year with this older children and looking at booking time off to do something with them.
However I might chat to the teens first about whether they are bothered.
Also his wife has booked the trip - is she also funding it?

Soonenough · 19/07/2025 11:49

This is always coming up with step parenting. It is just not possible to have everything, every trip,every encounter equal at all times . No way should teenagers be upset about going to Lapland to FC stuff. Should they be taken to soft play as well ? Little DCs taken to gigs ? And it is not tit for tat. Maybe not enough money or annual leave for two different trips. Even in nuclear families not everything is equal. It is called reality and any parent trying to achieve an absolutely perfect balance is setting themselves up for failure . And honestly it is usually the mothers getting over defensive on their kids behalf .
And no I am not a stepmother or have any connections to blended families.

ChristOlive · 19/07/2025 11:50

I’m sure you and your ex took your children on holidays focused around their needs when they were little OP. Why can’t the second wife do the same?

As long as they include your DC on at least some of the holidays, I think you’re being unreasonable.

Swipe left for the next trending thread