Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... ex, holiday, new DC

125 replies

MellowHiker · 19/07/2025 09:34

Would welcome opinions on this as RL opinions seem to be a bit mixed.

Share two teens with ex husband, DD is 16 and DS is 14.

Ex also has two DC with his wife who are 4 & 6.

He has told me this week that he, his wife and their DC have booked to go on a Lapland holiday on the weekend before Christmas this year. We are usually flexible with each other so long as we know in advance so that isn't necessarily the issue.

There's no invite for our DC though which I think it's really cruel. I've mentioned this and he's argued that they don't even believe in Santa and it's really more small child focused and is too expensive to take older kids who won't get much out of it. He has also said it's been booked by his DW. But when I've looked online it looks like they do all sorts like husky rides and other stuff that surely older kids would still enjoy even if they don't believe in Santa.

It's also rubbish because he isn't actually taking them anywhere this year (so far anyway) because he says work is too busy at the moment.

AIBU for thinking teens could still enjoy Lapland and he should take them? Or is he right that it's likely more small child focused and if you don't believe in Santa there isn't much point. He sent me the link after I asked and it does seem to be a lot of characters / elves and so forth but there are some things I think our DC would enjoy.

OP posts:
Pherian · 19/07/2025 16:14

MellowHiker · 19/07/2025 09:34

Would welcome opinions on this as RL opinions seem to be a bit mixed.

Share two teens with ex husband, DD is 16 and DS is 14.

Ex also has two DC with his wife who are 4 & 6.

He has told me this week that he, his wife and their DC have booked to go on a Lapland holiday on the weekend before Christmas this year. We are usually flexible with each other so long as we know in advance so that isn't necessarily the issue.

There's no invite for our DC though which I think it's really cruel. I've mentioned this and he's argued that they don't even believe in Santa and it's really more small child focused and is too expensive to take older kids who won't get much out of it. He has also said it's been booked by his DW. But when I've looked online it looks like they do all sorts like husky rides and other stuff that surely older kids would still enjoy even if they don't believe in Santa.

It's also rubbish because he isn't actually taking them anywhere this year (so far anyway) because he says work is too busy at the moment.

AIBU for thinking teens could still enjoy Lapland and he should take them? Or is he right that it's likely more small child focused and if you don't believe in Santa there isn't much point. He sent me the link after I asked and it does seem to be a lot of characters / elves and so forth but there are some things I think our DC would enjoy.

My teenagers would cringe at going to Lapland. Similar age to yours.

Zanatdy · 19/07/2025 16:16

I agree with him, it’s a really expensive holiday and for kids who believe in santa. Why don’t you look into taking them if you think they’d get a lot out of it.

ByRealLemonFox · 19/07/2025 16:52

Im going to be the odd one out here and say that we are planning lapland next year with our 3. Youngest will be 8, then 18 and 21. The older 2 are wanting to go and have been talking about it for a couple of years. They last went when they were 5 and 2. We have decided that we do a mix. Father xmas and skiing and older 2 will do snowmobiling.

Sahj123 · 19/07/2025 16:52

No, this is quite selfish.

14 and 16 don’t believe in Santa, fine. But they may want to share in the magic with their little siblings all the same! Hold their little hands and walk them through the enchanted forest, being lifted by them to grab candy canes out of the trees!

I suppose it depends how close they are and how much they enjoy spending time with their little siblings… but dad would never know because he never thought to ask!

Theres LOADS for older kids to do! There’s different types of skiing, snow mobiles are AWESOME!!! Husky rides are great too - they would get to drive their own sleds! There’s reindeer stuff, Northern Lights excursions, gosh it’s hard to list it all there is literally LOADS! Theres no doubt the older ones would have a blast!

The Santa/elves part is only one part of it, and they might love taking the littles to do it, but like I said before, dad should have asked if they want to go in the first place. It’s very poor form to just assume they didn’t.

Lovestotravel79 · 19/07/2025 16:59

I took my youngest in December as a gift from the Elves. My older children were not keen to go and didn’t fancy the extreme cold. There is plenty to do for all ages and I’m trying to convince them all to come in February half term next year. I booked the trip and activities myself and it was pretty cheap, packages can be extortionate.

Muffinmam · 19/07/2025 16:59

MellowHiker · 19/07/2025 09:34

Would welcome opinions on this as RL opinions seem to be a bit mixed.

Share two teens with ex husband, DD is 16 and DS is 14.

Ex also has two DC with his wife who are 4 & 6.

He has told me this week that he, his wife and their DC have booked to go on a Lapland holiday on the weekend before Christmas this year. We are usually flexible with each other so long as we know in advance so that isn't necessarily the issue.

There's no invite for our DC though which I think it's really cruel. I've mentioned this and he's argued that they don't even believe in Santa and it's really more small child focused and is too expensive to take older kids who won't get much out of it. He has also said it's been booked by his DW. But when I've looked online it looks like they do all sorts like husky rides and other stuff that surely older kids would still enjoy even if they don't believe in Santa.

It's also rubbish because he isn't actually taking them anywhere this year (so far anyway) because he says work is too busy at the moment.

AIBU for thinking teens could still enjoy Lapland and he should take them? Or is he right that it's likely more small child focused and if you don't believe in Santa there isn't much point. He sent me the link after I asked and it does seem to be a lot of characters / elves and so forth but there are some things I think our DC would enjoy.

Your ex is allowed to spend time with his other children without bringing your children along with him. He probably wants to make memories with his little ones instead of hanging out with teens.

This is his decision. You don’t get to have a day in what he does with his own children.

Manthide · 19/07/2025 16:59

When my eldest was 16 I also had a 14 year old, 4 year old and newborn. I'm not sure the eldest were thrilled at some of the places we went but at least for the most part we chose places where they could wonder off and do other activities eg centre parc. Dm and df did take the eldest two away separately on holiday so they could do different things. Also paid for them to go to ppl.
I agree with exdh Lapland at Christmas is for little ones.

drspouse · 19/07/2025 17:02

ByRealLemonFox · 19/07/2025 16:52

Im going to be the odd one out here and say that we are planning lapland next year with our 3. Youngest will be 8, then 18 and 21. The older 2 are wanting to go and have been talking about it for a couple of years. They last went when they were 5 and 2. We have decided that we do a mix. Father xmas and skiing and older 2 will do snowmobiling.

Your older two will be able to go off and do their own thing though.
Friends of ours have also gone to the same resort as us with 10/12 year olds and have been patiently waiting till they're old enough to ride snow mobiles. There are as PP have said things that the little ones can't even do.

MascaraGirl · 19/07/2025 17:03

InBedBy10 · 19/07/2025 10:59

Unfortunately this is the reality of life after separation. Your DC cant and wont be included in every holiday, day out, activity, event..... It might not be fair in your eyes but that's the way it is. His new partner might want a holiday that's just her nuclear family and there's nothing wrong with that. Although im sure there will be alot on here foaming at the mouth about it.

Yes she got with him knowing he had kids but he also got with her knowing she didn't. There has to be compromise on both sides. She deserves to have some magical Christmas memories with her children just like you did. As long as your DC aren't left out of everything, I dont see the problem.

I also agree with your ex. It's a very expensive holiday and not for teens.

This

JS25 · 19/07/2025 17:05

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for him not to take older DC

lapland is great for all ages but the young kids are very much going to be wanting to different things from the older ones. Age appropriate activities etc and would likely mean splitting the family for the holiday.

It’s unfair if he’s taking younger DC on holiday though and not doing something age appropriate for the older ones though. But again will likely mean taking the younger ones along too unless he can do a weekend without his younger dc (the stay home with his wife). Will you be taking older DC on holiday this year?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/07/2025 17:05

I think they should have been invited and offered the choice of this (which they might love depending on personalities and also might have loved seeing their little siblings with Santa etc) or being taken somewhere fun and cool like a skiing long weekend with their dad.

Steelworks · 19/07/2025 17:07

Moana987 · 19/07/2025 10:50

I agree with your ex. I dont think your shared DC need to go on every trip that he does with his wife and much younger children. I think he's entitled to have time with them on a holiday that is essentially little child focused.

This.

Createausername1970 · 19/07/2025 17:08

It's seems to be the reality of split/blended families.

I can see your point of view, but I can also see why the new wife wants to go away with her children and husband.

Your ex should do something with his older children as well, at a different time. Insisting that everyone has to go on every holiday is unrealistic and potentially it becomes less enjoyable for everyone.

Minnie798 · 19/07/2025 17:10

Im with ex- lapland is for young kids not teenagers.

CruCru · 19/07/2025 17:11

Won’t the children still be in school the weekend before Christmas?

Richiewoo · 19/07/2025 17:12

He's being a shit dad prioritising his younger kids

MascaraGirl · 19/07/2025 17:14

Yes she got with him knowing he had kids but he also got with her knowing she didn't. There has to be compromise on both sides. She deserves to have some magical Christmas memories with her children just like you did.

@InBedBy10 that’s what I wanted to say but you phrased it better than I could. If we had a pound for every time “you knew he had children” was mentioned … But surely a second wife/partner should also be able to do just a few things with her own immediate family and not have to include step children? It’s not a lot to ask.

whoopdiedoo · 19/07/2025 17:14

I’m going against the grain. My 17 and 19 would love to go to Lapland with their younger siblings. Part of the magic for them would be seeing their younger siblings faces and how they react to it. I have split from the 17 and 19 year olds dad and I know they would be extremely upset if he went away on holiday with his other children without them (he tried once to take his other children to Disney and said mine were too old and they were devastated)

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 19/07/2025 17:16

It’s fine to have separate holidays.
He takes younger ones to Lapland and older ones elsewhere.

SheridansPortSalut · 19/07/2025 17:17

They would be bored out of their minds in Lapland with a 4 and a 6 year old.

SheridansPortSalut · 19/07/2025 17:21

Imagine if he took the older kids to a concert and his current wife kicked up a fuss saying he had to bring the little kids too.

Edenmum2 · 19/07/2025 17:22

I’ve been to Lapland twice as an adult before I had children and it’s brilliant. It’s absolutely somewhere that teens would enjoy.

Cheeseplantandcrackers · 19/07/2025 17:23

SheridansPortSalut · 19/07/2025 17:21

Imagine if he took the older kids to a concert and his current wife kicked up a fuss saying he had to bring the little kids too.

I think that’s a really good point.

Edenmum2 · 19/07/2025 17:24

Minnie798 · 19/07/2025 17:10

Im with ex- lapland is for young kids not teenagers.

Such a sweeping statement and just not true.

lovemycbf · 19/07/2025 17:25

I agree with ex as your children are far too old for Lapland