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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU... ex, holiday, new DC

125 replies

MellowHiker · 19/07/2025 09:34

Would welcome opinions on this as RL opinions seem to be a bit mixed.

Share two teens with ex husband, DD is 16 and DS is 14.

Ex also has two DC with his wife who are 4 & 6.

He has told me this week that he, his wife and their DC have booked to go on a Lapland holiday on the weekend before Christmas this year. We are usually flexible with each other so long as we know in advance so that isn't necessarily the issue.

There's no invite for our DC though which I think it's really cruel. I've mentioned this and he's argued that they don't even believe in Santa and it's really more small child focused and is too expensive to take older kids who won't get much out of it. He has also said it's been booked by his DW. But when I've looked online it looks like they do all sorts like husky rides and other stuff that surely older kids would still enjoy even if they don't believe in Santa.

It's also rubbish because he isn't actually taking them anywhere this year (so far anyway) because he says work is too busy at the moment.

AIBU for thinking teens could still enjoy Lapland and he should take them? Or is he right that it's likely more small child focused and if you don't believe in Santa there isn't much point. He sent me the link after I asked and it does seem to be a lot of characters / elves and so forth but there are some things I think our DC would enjoy.

OP posts:
MascaraGirl · 19/07/2025 17:27

SheridansPortSalut · 19/07/2025 17:21

Imagine if he took the older kids to a concert and his current wife kicked up a fuss saying he had to bring the little kids too.

Very good point.

But even if the teenagers did fancy Lapland, you can’t do everything with everyone all the time. This would probably be prohibitively expensive and impractical, ending up with no one going anywhere at all.

drypond · 19/07/2025 17:28

I would not expect him to take the older kids to Lapland but I would expect him to be taking them on an age appropriate trip as a treat and would be saying “oh lovely what have you got planned for the other 2?”

Robin67 · 19/07/2025 17:29

CopperWhite · 19/07/2025 10:05

I think that makes him a nasty bastard whatever the reasons and circumstances behind it. You do not go on a family trip and leave two of your own children out if you have any concern for their feelings, because it will obviously upset them.

No doubt the second wife is telling him it’s all fine because to her it is as long as he’s still being a good dad to her kids, but he is a weak and pathetic excuse for a father if he can hurt his own children like that.

So, do new wife and kids never have the right to anything as just the four of them? Especially if she has booked and paid for it. He should take the older children away on a trip to New York or Paris or Barcelona, just the three of them.

BeWittyRobin · 19/07/2025 17:30

It’s a super tough one I can see your point of view I’ve five teenage children with my ex, a step son and two toddler children with my husband now. We are going on holiday with the two toddlers next year without my older 5 and step son. We will be going when they are at their dads and step son is with his mum. One reason is money, we can’t afford to take everyone, second it’s very hard to accommodate all ages and tbh i may sound heartless and many will not understand but I don’t feel bad because they are with their other parent and will be doing things with them. I have however explained this to my older children. When you’ve a blended family or children have two homes they can not always be included and where I understand your feelings I don’t think it has anything to do with you nor is it your place to suggest alternatives. Like another poster has put very well when it comes to blended families it can not always be equal at the same time. Life does go on for the children/their siblings when they are not with the other parent, things can not be put on hold or always changed to accommodate the child that does not live their all the time. Xx

Libby567 · 19/07/2025 17:31

What a world we live in…

Minnie798 · 19/07/2025 17:35

Edenmum2 · 19/07/2025 17:24

Such a sweeping statement and just not true.

Show quote history

Manu other posters have said the same.

BeWittyRobin · 19/07/2025 17:35

CopperWhite · 19/07/2025 10:05

I think that makes him a nasty bastard whatever the reasons and circumstances behind it. You do not go on a family trip and leave two of your own children out if you have any concern for their feelings, because it will obviously upset them.

No doubt the second wife is telling him it’s all fine because to her it is as long as he’s still being a good dad to her kids, but he is a weak and pathetic excuse for a father if he can hurt his own children like that.

I think it’s very sad that some automatically give step mums/dads a bad rap

Topsyturvy78 · 19/07/2025 17:43

They would be bored if they went. Even if there is age appropriate activities that would mean dad would have to split from younger DC.

aCatCalledFawkes · 19/07/2025 17:45

I understand when you are saying that there are lots of things to do in Lapland but also they may well of planned this all out to work around the little ones with things booked with them in mind. Yes they could take the older children but would that mean leaving the wife to look after the small kids while he goes off and does stuff with the older ones? I could see how that would start to split up the holiday.
Ideally he needs to take them somewhere that is more focused on them not trying to keep everyone happy by trying to make a holiday for two small children work for teenagers as well.

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 19/07/2025 17:54

Take then yourself if you think it’s that important that they go to Lapland. And if your answer to that it’s “it’s too expensive, considering a lot of things are geared towards younger children” then that’s your answer why he’s not taking them. Don’t criticize him for not doing something for your children that you can’t/won’t do either.

SquallyShowersLater · 19/07/2025 17:56

I can understand why he doesn't think the (huge) added expense is worth it, for teens who don't believe in Father Christmas, but I do think he should be finding a way to redress the balance. He should take just the teens away by himself for a cool city break like New York or Disneyland Paris or something, next year.

crumblingschools · 19/07/2025 17:58

It might be fine to not go on every trip but they are not going on any trip! Surely he can see that splashing the cash on the little ones meaning that they get nothing might upset his older children.

Also 16yo is getting to the age where they might not want to go on family holidays much longer (especially if the younger ones get preferential treatment) so dad might be shooting himself in the foot if he wants a good relationship with an older teen

MascaraGirl · 19/07/2025 17:58

So, do new wife and kids never have the right to anything as just the four of them?

A lot of people will suggest they don’t …

ThatGentleCoralCat · 19/07/2025 17:59

MellowHiker · 19/07/2025 09:34

Would welcome opinions on this as RL opinions seem to be a bit mixed.

Share two teens with ex husband, DD is 16 and DS is 14.

Ex also has two DC with his wife who are 4 & 6.

He has told me this week that he, his wife and their DC have booked to go on a Lapland holiday on the weekend before Christmas this year. We are usually flexible with each other so long as we know in advance so that isn't necessarily the issue.

There's no invite for our DC though which I think it's really cruel. I've mentioned this and he's argued that they don't even believe in Santa and it's really more small child focused and is too expensive to take older kids who won't get much out of it. He has also said it's been booked by his DW. But when I've looked online it looks like they do all sorts like husky rides and other stuff that surely older kids would still enjoy even if they don't believe in Santa.

It's also rubbish because he isn't actually taking them anywhere this year (so far anyway) because he says work is too busy at the moment.

AIBU for thinking teens could still enjoy Lapland and he should take them? Or is he right that it's likely more small child focused and if you don't believe in Santa there isn't much point. He sent me the link after I asked and it does seem to be a lot of characters / elves and so forth but there are some things I think our DC would enjoy.

It's the complete lack of consideration for your DC that doesn't sit well with me OP, yes the holiday is aimed at the younger children but surely it's not difficult to at least give them the choice and if they don't want to then do something separately with them more age appropriate that they will enjoy more so they don't feel disregarded?

FreyjaOfTheNorth · 19/07/2025 17:59

CopperWhite · 19/07/2025 10:05

I think that makes him a nasty bastard whatever the reasons and circumstances behind it. You do not go on a family trip and leave two of your own children out if you have any concern for their feelings, because it will obviously upset them.

No doubt the second wife is telling him it’s all fine because to her it is as long as he’s still being a good dad to her kids, but he is a weak and pathetic excuse for a father if he can hurt his own children like that.

But the younger children are not just “her” children, they are their children. He is the father of all 4 children: the OP’s 2 teenagers and the 2 young children. The young children are “his own children”. I could see your point if the younger children were his stepchildren (his wife’s children from a previous relationship), but they’re not.

Tiswa · 19/07/2025 18:00

AnimalLover24 · 19/07/2025 09:42

First reply nails it!

Edited

No it’s doesn’t because all teens are different

he bothered to ask them or put forward any alternative he has just made a decision to prioritise his new family

which they will realise

HopscotchBanana · 19/07/2025 18:08

@MellowHiker isn't coming back. Vast majority are on board with the ex.

It's always the ex wives that complain about this.

Biids · 19/07/2025 18:15

Well the proof is in the pudding.

Your teens will get the message that the new kids are the golden ones and they are just old baggage.

Ibelievetheworldisburningtotheground · 19/07/2025 18:22

I'd be asking when he's going to take his two teenagers on holiday teenager-friendly to spend time with their dad. Make him answer you.

Banrockmystation · 19/07/2025 18:22

He should take the teens on a special Christmas trip, I would suggest NYC to him!

HopscotchBanana · 19/07/2025 18:29

Biids · 19/07/2025 18:15

Well the proof is in the pudding.

Your teens will get the message that the new kids are the golden ones and they are just old baggage.

Yes, in fact our 17yr old was furious that he wasn't invited to the "meet the dinosaurs" experience at a nearby theme park.

Or rather, our 17yr old would rather have teeth pulled than stand around whilst T Rex animatronics roar at him.

The horror, there were thrill type rides he could have gone on as well. We'd have had to split up because they wouldn't be ok for the 5yos, and then me or dad would have missed out on the joy of the little ones seeing what they think are real dinosaurs.

But my son wouldn't have expected that. Because lo, he once was 5, and he too, got to do fun things for a 5yo. He did plenty at that age. And understands that someone trying to prompt him that he should feel like it's cruelty that he's not entitled to every single thing another sibling might be offered, is a shitty move, that results in self centered children.

He's not coming to forest school either. And he likes trees. He accepts it must be because mummy doesn't love him anymore, just the shiny new younger children.

Namerequired · 19/07/2025 18:33

I took my youngest on a trip with my friend and her wee ones and didn’t take my older ones. There’s a fair age gap and they wouldn’t have enjoyed it. It didn’t bother them in the slightest.
Don’t your children get a holiday with you? It’s not all up to their father and they don’t need two of everything. It would be different if he never takes them or does anything with them.

AlertEagle · 19/07/2025 18:40

AnimalLover24 · 19/07/2025 09:42

First reply nails it!

Edited

But it doesnt. He has 4 kids and hes clearly not making any plans for his older kids. You might think its a minor in the bigger scheme of things but the kids will be adults very soon and he will wonder why they never come around

PissedOff2020 · 19/07/2025 18:41

They may enjoy seeing their siblings at such a magical place. I’d hope he’d have got their thoughts on it before booking, rather than just not offering.
That said, if he can spend so much on this trip he should definitely be getting your kids something extra special this Christmas - or taking them somewhere special. It’s not fair the young ones get such an amazing treat if there’s nothing for your kids.

MascaraGirl · 19/07/2025 18:42

Don’t your children get a holiday with you? It’s not all up to their father and they don’t need two of everything. It would be different if he never takes them or does anything with them.

Quite. And as someone said upthread, if the OP thinks her teenagers desperately need to meet Santa in Lapland, she could take them herself!