Page 5 | AIBU... ex, holiday, new DC

Sage71 · 20/07/2025 12:11

Took ours when they were 6 & 4 and it was magical but wouldn’t take them now at 15 & 13 they loved it then now they look at pics and laugh at how they fell for it all so I wouldn’t choose this at all for older kids. A ski holiday with other snow activities if you are looking at a winter holiday for them or something else more suitable.

Jumpers4goalposts · 20/07/2025 17:48

Your DH should have given your DC the choice about whether to come or not. I took my DD13 this year and she absolutely loved it…. It’s such a magical place.

MadMadaMim · 20/07/2025 18:06

Lapland in my 20s was one of the best short trip holidays ever - and this was 30 years ago. The Santa bit is a very small passer of the trip. Husky trip, reindeer sleighing, ice hotel for dinner and ‘disco’, northern lights, skidoos. Would love to go back

Vaxtable · 20/07/2025 18:09

It’s up to him. But he needs to realise his older kids will start to realise, if they haven’t already, that they are not as important as his new family

MarvellousMonsters · 20/07/2025 18:31

MellowHiker · 19/07/2025 09:34

Would welcome opinions on this as RL opinions seem to be a bit mixed.

Share two teens with ex husband, DD is 16 and DS is 14.

Ex also has two DC with his wife who are 4 & 6.

He has told me this week that he, his wife and their DC have booked to go on a Lapland holiday on the weekend before Christmas this year. We are usually flexible with each other so long as we know in advance so that isn't necessarily the issue.

There's no invite for our DC though which I think it's really cruel. I've mentioned this and he's argued that they don't even believe in Santa and it's really more small child focused and is too expensive to take older kids who won't get much out of it. He has also said it's been booked by his DW. But when I've looked online it looks like they do all sorts like husky rides and other stuff that surely older kids would still enjoy even if they don't believe in Santa.

It's also rubbish because he isn't actually taking them anywhere this year (so far anyway) because he says work is too busy at the moment.

AIBU for thinking teens could still enjoy Lapland and he should take them? Or is he right that it's likely more small child focused and if you don't believe in Santa there isn't much point. He sent me the link after I asked and it does seem to be a lot of characters / elves and so forth but there are some things I think our DC would enjoy.

Have you asked the older kids what they think? Would they want to go? Does he have a plan to take them anywhere?

Horses7 · 20/07/2025 18:53

I think he should take them - I’ve been as an adult and it’s fab.
It’s a family holiday and your kids are his family and the younger ones are their half brothers.

No brainer.

MascaraGirl · 20/07/2025 19:30

I think people are missing the point - maybe he and his wife want to do something with THEIR children? They are quite entitled to do this

MMUmum · 20/07/2025 19:38

There are quite a few different Lapland trips so it depends what they've chosen really. I took my DD when she was 6 for a day trip, it was magical, in a dark forest with ice sculptures and activities arranged by elves, not good for older children though

DaisyChain505 · 20/07/2025 19:48

Lapland is SUPER expensive and it isn’t exactly aimed at older teens. I do understand his POV on why he isn’t taking the older two.

Also, your children’s stepmum has the right to want a trip with just her children.

Not everyone can win at all times. As long as your kids are involved in something else that’s what matters.

GiveDogBone · 20/07/2025 19:57

So he’s not allowed to take his new family for a short break without also inviting his previous kids? I mean there must be thousands of families where only the current unit goes away. Should he invite you along for the ride as well?? And that’s before we get to the point that it’s a trip to see Santa whom they don’t believe in anymore.

CelestialCandyfloss · 20/07/2025 20:00

RaininSummer · 19/07/2025 10:01

I dont think it's a great holiday for your teenagers tbh but it would be nice if ex promised them a different trip.

I think this is the crux of it...if he takes them somewhere else at another time...but it doesn't sound like it...sounds like the older kids are being kicked to the kerb.

Spinmerightroundbaby · 20/07/2025 20:47

MellowHiker · 19/07/2025 09:34

Would welcome opinions on this as RL opinions seem to be a bit mixed.

Share two teens with ex husband, DD is 16 and DS is 14.

Ex also has two DC with his wife who are 4 & 6.

He has told me this week that he, his wife and their DC have booked to go on a Lapland holiday on the weekend before Christmas this year. We are usually flexible with each other so long as we know in advance so that isn't necessarily the issue.

There's no invite for our DC though which I think it's really cruel. I've mentioned this and he's argued that they don't even believe in Santa and it's really more small child focused and is too expensive to take older kids who won't get much out of it. He has also said it's been booked by his DW. But when I've looked online it looks like they do all sorts like husky rides and other stuff that surely older kids would still enjoy even if they don't believe in Santa.

It's also rubbish because he isn't actually taking them anywhere this year (so far anyway) because he says work is too busy at the moment.

AIBU for thinking teens could still enjoy Lapland and he should take them? Or is he right that it's likely more small child focused and if you don't believe in Santa there isn't much point. He sent me the link after I asked and it does seem to be a lot of characters / elves and so forth but there are some things I think our DC would enjoy.

Honestly I agree with him. It IS a holiday geared at much younger children and he’s within his rights to not take his other children on every family holiday. Perhaps you could arrange a nice getaway for just the three of you if you’re concerned about how they feel? Personally though this feels like it’s more about you than the kids. It’s not like it’s a beach holiday or even Disneyworld Florida which has more for different age groups. Definitely not a hill worth dying over…

ScoobyX · 20/07/2025 21:30

I can see both sides. A few years back DH and I took our daughter on a holiday we didn’t take his two children (they had been on a holiday with their mum) or mine ( they were on holiday with their dad). We couldn’t afford to all go and thought it was only fair DD got a holiday when everyone else had had one. Have you taken your children anywhere? Could they be trying to balance things?

Shelby2010 · 20/07/2025 22:28

They make you sing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer every time you get on the coach. Not for teens.

Overnightoats1 · 20/07/2025 23:02

My close family has this set up and it can really be tricky to entertain teens and very young kids with the same holidays /activities.. the older ones just end up bored/waiting around and staring at their phones while the little ones play at the park/ need to be fed/put to bed early etc ..Our older teens are great with the little ones but agree that a Lapland trip wouldn't be great for either set of kids - especially given the cost - they'd end up splitting up for activities and your Ex would lose the Christmas magic you only get for a limited time. Agree though -he does need to plan something fun -even a good day out at a theme park etc - for the older set of kids.

JungAtHeart · 21/07/2025 11:11

Having taken a package trip to Lapland with my DDs to find Santa when they were 6 and 5 ish they absolutely had the time of their lives. They’re now 16 & 15 and it wouldn’t work at all.

crumblingschools · 21/07/2025 11:42

@GiveDogBone and that's why many blended families are raw deal for many children. And it can carry on into adulthood. FIL has had a few marriages/long term relationships. DH is the product of his first marriage, and has been very much at the bottom of the pile once FIL left DH's mum. And this has continued with our DC. They are the only blood grandchildren for FIL but again at the bottom of the pile. DH's relationship with FIL is strained

Jorge14 · 21/07/2025 17:52

I don’t think he’s being that unreasonable if he takes your kids somewhere else too. Lapland is for little ones really but they should still do something for the older 2.

Jammydodger2 · 21/07/2025 20:45

This thread is blowing my mind! There was a mum on here recently who got torn to shreds for suggesting she take her two younger daughters with current husband on holiday abroad without her older teenage son from a previous relationship while he was with his dad during the summer. Is this not the same thing but in reverse? People were saying she was wrong to consider going away without all her children and this dad is doing exactly that but people seem to think it’s ok in this situation?? I don’t get it.

OP, I think I’d also be uncomfortable about this if I were you, but would depend if the teenagers have been consulted in advance and how they feel about it. If they would want to go then I think it’s quite mean for their younger siblings to be taken and not them, simply because they have a different mum. But you’ve asked the question and it’s not really for you to say any more - I think let your ex mull it over and he’ll perhaps realise he’s been inconsiderate of their feelings.

BeenzManeenz · 22/07/2025 08:17

To be blunt I think you need to grow up. They clearly discussed it and have thought about your DC, and made the decision it wouldn't be appropriate. And I agree, a 14 and 16 year old are not likely to appreciate it in the same way smaller children will. Do they even want to go??

He should take them somewhere else they would enjoy, and I don't agree it needs to be abroad. That's very tit for tat. A weekend in the UK doing something fun, going to a gig or festival etc.

BeenzManeenz · 22/07/2025 08:21

DaisyChain505 · 20/07/2025 19:48

Lapland is SUPER expensive and it isn’t exactly aimed at older teens. I do understand his POV on why he isn’t taking the older two.

Also, your children’s stepmum has the right to want a trip with just her children.

Not everyone can win at all times. As long as your kids are involved in something else that’s what matters.

This is a really good point which I think most people are missing, and in fact I hadn't considered.

The mum of the smaller children has a right to go on holiday with just her children. I dont think it's fair at all to expect her to entertain the teenagers on every single trip they take.

Of course, they should spend some time together as a blended family and certainly other trips might be more appropriate.

MascaraGirl · 22/07/2025 08:25

The mum of the smaller children has a right to go on holiday with just her children. I dont think it's fair at all to expect her to entertain the teenagers on every single trip they take.

I totally agree, but on MN we sometimes develop tunnel vision over 'blended families doing everything together all the time' and common sense flies out the window.

Melsbell · 23/07/2025 23:17

It's unrealistic to expect everyone to be included in everything all the time. I remind my 4 boys of this regularly when their sibling is getting a treat for something specific. That's the reality of life. It doesn't do anyone any favours teaching them to expect everything to be "fair" and about them all the time. I'm a Step-Mum. Step son is 18 and our 4 boys are 9 and under. We've always tried to do the majority of things together but it hasn't always been possible. Especially as step son has got older and the age gap has widened. We've done weekends and trips away occasionally just the 6 of us, that step son either wasn't able to come to, didn't want to come to or weren't age appropriate for him. Or sometimes, just because it's nice to do things in different variations of the family unit - All of us with step son/ just us 6/ my Husband and I and just our older 2 or sometimes just us and the younger 2. We also try our best to do one on one things with each of the 5 kids sometimes.
By the same token, step son has done lots of things with his Mum and family that our 4 haven't. He got taken to Disney world with that side of the family and is going again soon and we haven't yet been able to do that for our 4. They voiced how much they would like to go Disney of course and hopefully we will one day but essentially they have to suck it up.
There's no suggestion that this Dad is an absolute dead beat that makes a habit of eliminating his children from the first relationship so I don't understand why people are so quick to jump to that. Also, the likely fact a lot of people aren't acknowledging when they suggest the older 2 should have been asked if they wanted to go is that if they had it probably would have made it unaffordable so then everyone would miss out. So then is the suggestion that it's ok for the kids from the new relationship to miss out on things as long as the ones from the first get everything x 2? I think in reality the ideal is that we all try our best at keeping everyone happy but that isn't always going to look a certain way.

crumblingschools · 23/07/2025 23:39

@Melsbell the majority of things you talk about involve at least one or more of your DC, and many of them don’t involve the stepson. It’s usually the step kids that get the raw deal

BeenzManeenz · 25/07/2025 13:01

crumblingschools · 23/07/2025 23:39

@Melsbell the majority of things you talk about involve at least one or more of your DC, and many of them don’t involve the stepson. It’s usually the step kids that get the raw deal

Due to the age gap I'm imagining!

I'm taking my DS to "In The Night Garden" live including an overnight stop. By some standards on MN that is an appropriate trip for a 17 year old and they'd feel excluded if they weren't invited.

A little bit of common sense needs to be applied to these situations.