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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU... ex, holiday, new DC

125 replies

MellowHiker · 19/07/2025 09:34

Would welcome opinions on this as RL opinions seem to be a bit mixed.

Share two teens with ex husband, DD is 16 and DS is 14.

Ex also has two DC with his wife who are 4 & 6.

He has told me this week that he, his wife and their DC have booked to go on a Lapland holiday on the weekend before Christmas this year. We are usually flexible with each other so long as we know in advance so that isn't necessarily the issue.

There's no invite for our DC though which I think it's really cruel. I've mentioned this and he's argued that they don't even believe in Santa and it's really more small child focused and is too expensive to take older kids who won't get much out of it. He has also said it's been booked by his DW. But when I've looked online it looks like they do all sorts like husky rides and other stuff that surely older kids would still enjoy even if they don't believe in Santa.

It's also rubbish because he isn't actually taking them anywhere this year (so far anyway) because he says work is too busy at the moment.

AIBU for thinking teens could still enjoy Lapland and he should take them? Or is he right that it's likely more small child focused and if you don't believe in Santa there isn't much point. He sent me the link after I asked and it does seem to be a lot of characters / elves and so forth but there are some things I think our DC would enjoy.

OP posts:

Evilspiritgin · 19/07/2025 18:56

MascaraGirl · 19/07/2025 17:58

So, do new wife and kids never have the right to anything as just the four of them?

A lot of people will suggest they don’t …

He still should’ve had the balls to ask them if they wanted to go or say sorry it won’t be something you’d enjoy but why don’t we go camping, a weekend break instead just us three??

it must be hard seeing your kids shunted to one side by one of the people who’s meant to love them the most

eurochick · 19/07/2025 19:15

I agree with the majority - this is likely to be a holiday wasted on teens, but he should do something else with them that they would enjoy.

if it is any consolation, I reckon the 4 year old is on the borderline of the right age. When we went preschoolers were generally unhappy as they were either too cold or too hot bundled up in snow suits. I would say 6-9 is the sweet spot. So it might not be a fun holiday.

there is lots to do in Lapland for adults and older children, but it cannot easily be combined with the Santa stuff. Do your teens really want to watch an elf show or visit Santa? I expect they would be up for dog sledding and snowmobiling but they tend to be separate from the Santa village areas.

MascaraGirl · 19/07/2025 19:15

Evilspiritgin · 19/07/2025 18:56

He still should’ve had the balls to ask them if they wanted to go or say sorry it won’t be something you’d enjoy but why don’t we go camping, a weekend break instead just us three??

it must be hard seeing your kids shunted to one side by one of the people who’s meant to love them the most

Show quote history

But why is he obliged to invite them? As many posters have pointed out, not everyone has to go to everything, we don’t know the history and he may already do stuff with his teenagers and - god forbid - what if the new wife just wanted a festive trip with just the four of them?

Emmz1510 · 19/07/2025 19:27

I think yabu but not because Lapland isn’t suitable for teens. I probably would still have loved it at that age despite having abandoned Santa long ago!
I just don’t think it’s realistic to expect that all the children will go on all the holidays. Maybe I’m naive because I don’t have a blended family, but do children in such families really start having twice as many holidays as they had before the split? I actually think it’s ok to go away sometimes without all children as long as overall it works out pretty even in terms of how each child is treated. There will be times when there are trips that only the teens go on, times that the teens birthday and Christmas gifts are more expensive (because, well, they are teens….) and times when each child gets a particular treat that’s related to circumstances eg passing exams, graduating, prom outfit, money from the tooth fairy etc…..
If the teens don’t go he can always spend a bit more on them at Christmas or take them on a different trip or treat them to a show or a concert or some days out over the holidays.

Achdinnae · 19/07/2025 19:31

This last Christmas,a lot of people were disappointed in their Lapland Santa trips because there was no snow and thus no husky sleds,snowmobiles and reindeer. Little ones could be satisfied with meeting Santa and engaging in elven activities. Bigger ones were not happy. Complete waste of time and money. I wouldn't risk it with children your age.

outerspacepotato · 19/07/2025 19:36

This is the reality of people starting new families after divorce.

Things are not going to be equal. Your kids are not going to be going on every trip he takes with his new wife and young kids. You're entitled to think so. What's your custody like, 50/50?

If you think they should be going to Scandinavia, you take them.

If he was taking your kids to do something, would the young kids automatically be included? Would you include his new kids if you were taking a trip with your kids?

Things have changed for your family and this is just an unreasonable expectation.

Scottishskifun · 19/07/2025 19:43

I think your projecting a bit here OP. Teenagers on a trip to lapland which is majority focused all around Santa would be a pain. Whilst there is husky trips this is one or 2 things and won't be appropriate for all the kids.

I also very much doubt your teenage children want to be dragged around all the Santa stuff with lots of other small children as well!

Yes encourage your ex to also take them away somewhere/do something with them but this can be a teenage trip of something they would enjoy together like a theme park etc.

Ruth58d · 19/07/2025 19:45

If it's that important to you OP why don't you offer to help fund it?

stichguru · 19/07/2025 19:50

You really think your teenagers would want to go to Lapland on a holiday that meets the NEEDS of two little children?!! You're mad. My kid is only 12 so not even a real teenager yet, and we have 2 wonderful god children who are 7 and 5 and he adores, but a day out is more than enough for him, and that is most usually only maybe 10-4 or maybe 3-9 with a bedtime about 7.30-8 for the smalls!

Welshmonster · 19/07/2025 20:27

YANBU that he is not doing anything with his own kids and not having time is a lame excuse. He doesn’t have much time with his older DC before they are adults. If he wants a relationship with them then he needs to put the effort in now.

lunar1 · 19/07/2025 20:33

We took our teen boys with my brother his wife and their 7&4 year old. We had an incredible time, the photos are something I will cherish forever, all 4 children loved it.

RoseAlone · 19/07/2025 20:42

My friend was there last year. Kids 1y, 8 and 7. There was loads to do for all ages and the magic appeals no matter what age. He definitely should take all of his children or none at all.

MrsSunshine2b · 19/07/2025 21:14

We're taking my DD5 and my SD15 (will be 16) this Christmas, but I think in this situation ex is right. It's very expensive and there really isn't a lot for teens.

PollyBell · 19/07/2025 22:29

Well you could always take them, no i would not expect to take teenagers to Lapland unless I planned it myself

Topsyturvy78 · 19/07/2025 23:27

Namerequired · 19/07/2025 18:33

I took my youngest on a trip with my friend and her wee ones and didn’t take my older ones. There’s a fair age gap and they wouldn’t have enjoyed it. It didn’t bother them in the slightest.
Don’t your children get a holiday with you? It’s not all up to their father and they don’t need two of everything. It would be different if he never takes them or does anything with them.

Exactly this

CruCru · 19/07/2025 23:29

It’s an interesting thread. I think it depends - does the ex usually take the children on very expensive holidays or is this a once in a lifetime trip only for his younger children? Is he otherwise a good father and the older children well provided for (not necessarily with holidays)?

I consider myself to be quite well off but we’ve never been to Lapland as it’s too expensive. Some of the suggestions of alternatives he could take the older children on are really expensive - weekends skiing, weekend in Iceland, Disneyland Florida, a cruise. I don’t know how you would suggest things like this and carry on maintaining a good coparenting relationship.

Topsyturvy78 · 19/07/2025 23:30

OP hasn't replied since posting. Has she even asked the teenage children what their opinion is on the matter?

GingersOwner26 · 20/07/2025 00:58

Do they actually want to go (do they know about it)? While you're getting upset about them not being invited, they might well be thinking it sounds shit and they're happy to give it a swerve.

Their father should be thinking about doing something else with them though.

Summerlilly · 20/07/2025 02:22

Do the teenagers actually want to go to Lapland?

Lapland is ridiculously expensive and as other posters have mentioned there are activities for all ages but it’s going to involve splitting up.
Are you willing to fund some of the trip? And even joining them so your ex can spend time with his young DC and the teenagers? Without the extra support he may have to be with the teenagers and leave his wife alone with their younger two which would mean he doesn’t get to partake in the memories with them. Then how is that fair to his wife and two small children.

He has 4 children, he’s allowed to spend time with his current family unit as well as just being with the children he shares with you. That doesn’t necessarily mean it has to occur all at the same time

You can for sure ask him if he does plan to do something special for the teenagers over Christmas or the new year. That’s not a unfair question to ask
But I wouldn’t die on this hill personally.

99bottlesofkombucha · 20/07/2025 04:21

It would be tricky to manage the age groups. The only reply you should send however is ‘I guess if you really think it won’t suit them. They will be upset though so I suggest you have done some thinking about what you’re going to take them on.’

Jok77 · 20/07/2025 07:22

A trip to Lapland would probably not appeal to teens.
My husband had children when we met. We would take them to a caravan or cottage once a year but then we'd have other holidays that we wouldn't take the older children on. On the other hand, they had holidays with mum, grandparents etc that they enjoyed.

Willyoujustbequiet · 20/07/2025 07:27

Yanbu. It's mean tbh.

I don't get those saying it's not a trip for teens. I know groups of adults only that have gone and had a blast as there are so many varied activities

If anything I think it's the kind of trip suited to older kids and not young ones.

MascaraGirl · 20/07/2025 08:07

Are you willing to fund some of the trip? And even joining them so your ex can spend time with his young DC and the teenagers?

Seriously????? Do the first and second wife really want to holiday together??? That takes gate crashing to a whole new level and is REALLY unreasonable.

MascaraGirl · 20/07/2025 08:13

Quite. And be careful what you wish for OP, if you try to insist the teenagers join the younger ones holidays then surely the reverse applies too?

Mildbutmagic · 20/07/2025 09:15

It’s not about the destination it’s about the fact he’s only taking some not all of his children on holiday! Had he asked them and they said they didn’t want to go then it’s different. But all children should be included if they want to be.
whilst I completely agree with you, in reality though it might be unlikely that anything you say to him makes any difference. You probably need to let him do it his way, and not position yourself as the superior parent on this - even though I do actually think you’re right! It’s really hard in this situations (I have similar issues with my ex) but if I voice a view it generally just causes conflict and gets turned back onto me so I’ve learned to leave him to it and just focus on making my DD feel really secure and loved when she’s with me!

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