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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I've f*cked things up for my daughter even more

133 replies

smokingpoppy · 18/07/2025 23:09

ND yr 7 daughter has a few nice but slightly rebellious friends. She struggles with school anyway, on a reduced time table due to overwhelm etc.
In her absence an older 'wrong'un' from the year above has infiltrated the friend group, giving out vapes and generally being a bad influence/ pushing boundaries even more.
My daughter has no filter and made her feelings known to the other girls. They told the wrong'un who has now turned on my daughter and is threatening her. Long threatening voice notes etc. She's got a history of fighting, suspended for it etc.
The wrong'un is demanding my daughter makes a big public apology to the whole friendship group for 'talking shit about her'. (She hasn't been talking shite she was just honest that she felt uncomfortable about stuff to her friends)
I mistakenly told one of the friend's parents who went straight to the wrong'un mum and told her. So now the threats have gone up a gear.
I have definitely made it worse. I shouldn't have trusted the other mum. I now have exactly 100% chance of getting my daughter in to school ever again.
WWYD? Tell the school? What can they do at the end of term?

OP posts:
Original poster
smokingpoppy · 20/07/2025 00:26

Dearnurse · 20/07/2025 00:08

Go speak to the child's mother & the child if there are threats , I would not tolerate that at all firstly .. the vapes thing is pretty usual for teens , mine don't & it's really strict at their school, mine go to private school so not many "wrong uns" not that I agree with calling an 11 year old a "wrong un" .. your daughter was trying to exclude the girl for the right reasons but it was unkind as I said I think this could be sorted with a chat with both girls & her mum .. let her know about the vapes & other behaviour that concerns you but be understanding & kind .

The mum does not care. She’s got bigger fish to fry. Social services involved re cece’s drug addict older sibling and teen mum sibling. I know this through the other mum who is her family friend. She phoned this evening. This is minor in their world.

I now feel very sorry for Cece. I realise saying wrong’un was not appropriate, it was a lazy way to explain the behaviour. And am telling the school incase they are building a safeguarding case. I do not think brazening it out with cece and fanning the flames is in my DDs interest. And like I said before, she will say what us wants regardless of my thoughts on the matter.

School can take appropriate action. This is too big a battle for my DD to fight. fair enough.

OP posts:
NautilusLionfish · 20/07/2025 00:31

ToKittyornottoKitty · 19/07/2025 00:17

Why do you think her established friendship group betrayed her and told the other girl what your daughter had said about her?

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Bullies can garner amazing levels of loyalty. Or scare people

EmeraldShamrock000 · 20/07/2025 00:37

Contact the school. The only issue is that these kids are ruthless and don't fear consequences so she may not be deterred from the fight.

I'm not excusing this bully, separately, as hard as it is to change traits it is possible, you need to teach DD to write things down before being direct, her opinion isn't always required, my friends DC is very direct too, she doesn't intend to be rude, her DM thinks it is a good thing she us honest, she is disliked by everyone and comes across as rude, it makes life harder for her at 14, one day she will be hit by another teenager.

Velmy · 20/07/2025 01:26

smokingpoppy · 20/07/2025 00:00

Not being rude but you couldn’t be further from the truth, my DD has zero filter. She’s the least timid person I know. Naive yes. But not timid.

In fact she’s a massive inspiration to me because she speaks her mind, bluntly and with no sugarcoating, all the time. It’s one of her ASD traits. But she is never mean, she’s simply not interested in drama. She doesn’t hold grudges and is incredibly pragmatic. She just moves through life saying what she wants to say in a practical, no nonsense fashion as if it’s the most logical thing in the world.

Everyone who knows her would say she knows her own mind and makes it very clear. No one has ever mentioned the word timid.

This is all her idea. I couldn’t MAKE her play it differently if I tried. She has decided she wants to shut down the drama and move on. An apology is what she thinks will do this. So that’s what she will do.

As for me, you are also misreading. I am mainly nice and warm and accommodating BUT can be hot headed if pushed and have dropped many ‘friends’ in my life who have forced a confrontation/ taken the piss. I definitely do not suck anything up. In fact, i am working on being more tolerant and less black and white about things.

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she speaks her mind, bluntly and with no sugarcoating

Can you see how someone who always speaks "bluntly and with no sugar-coating" might actually come across as abrasive, confrontational or rude to others? Especially kids? Particularly this kid, who from the sounds of it has a hell of a lot going on at home and is likely lashing out as a result of that?

It might be worth having this chat with your daughter and explaining that it's not always appropriate to share everything that's on her mind so directly.

You say that your daughter is insisting on this apology...what will you say to her if the girl doesn't accept it?

beAsensible1 · 20/07/2025 09:06

Velmy · 19/07/2025 04:43

I've dealt with plenty and they're almost all absolute cowards. If they wanted a fight, they'd find one with someone who could fight back. They don't want a fight. That's why they pick on people they think can't/won't retaliate.

I'm of the view that all children should be taught how to properly defend themselves, but regardless, you don't have to be physically strong to whack someone in the nose. It doesn't matter if you lose the fight, as long as you fight.

You'll encounter bullies all your life. The sooner you get some backbone instead of relying on other people to solve your problems as a first response, the better.

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This. I want particularly strong and was being consistently harassed by this girl for weeks in the end wacked her with my bag. We had a scuff and then she left me alone forever.

I was suspended for a few days and she was for a week. Teacher said I had to be as it would look like favouritism otherwise. And we all Moved on.

at some point you have to get a backbone otherwise you’ll end up like the people on here who all afraid to talk to their neighbours

beAsensible1 · 20/07/2025 09:10

Don’t go grovelling to a bully either. Apologise for what. She should ignore her and invite her friend over during the summer so they can build bonds and make stories so by the next year there’s no room for her to muscle in.

Original poster
smokingpoppy · 20/07/2025 09:17

Velmy · 20/07/2025 01:26

she speaks her mind, bluntly and with no sugarcoating

Can you see how someone who always speaks "bluntly and with no sugar-coating" might actually come across as abrasive, confrontational or rude to others? Especially kids? Particularly this kid, who from the sounds of it has a hell of a lot going on at home and is likely lashing out as a result of that?

It might be worth having this chat with your daughter and explaining that it's not always appropriate to share everything that's on her mind so directly.

You say that your daughter is insisting on this apology...what will you say to her if the girl doesn't accept it?

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No it never occurred to me. I definitely haven’t been ‘having this chat with her’ all her life. 🙄

OP posts:
EvieBB · 03/08/2025 23:45

Ringthebell26 · 19/07/2025 01:40

I’m 42 and I’m scared of Cece!!

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😆

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