To think I've f*cked things up for my daughter even more

[smokingpoppy]

ND yr 7 daughter has a few nice but slightly rebellious friends. She struggles with school anyway, on a reduced time table due to overwhelm etc.
In her absence an older 'wrong'un' from the year above has infiltrated the friend group, giving out vapes and generally being a bad influence/ pushing boundaries even more.
My daughter has no filter and made her feelings known to the other girls. They told the wrong'un who has now turned on my daughter and is threatening her. Long threatening voice notes etc. She's got a history of fighting, suspended for it etc.
The wrong'un is demanding my daughter makes a big public apology to the whole friendship group for 'talking shit about her'. (She hasn't been talking shite she was just honest that she felt uncomfortable about stuff to her friends)
I mistakenly told one of the friend's parents who went straight to the wrong'un mum and told her. So now the threats have gone up a gear.
I have definitely made it worse. I shouldn't have trusted the other mum. I now have exactly 100% chance of getting my daughter in to school ever again.
WWYD? Tell the school? What can they do at the end of term?

There’s usually a class WhatsApp

She’s a old primary/ family friend of one of the group. Since before she went off rails. It’s the way it is. They add each other on Snap. My DD only just got Snap. Still learning to use under supervision from me.

^I'm a retired teacher and I don't know what the "only way to effectively deal with a bully" is.
Please enlighten me.

Well as a teacher, what’s your effective way of dealing with bullies? A little chat? Sweep under the carpet?

My experience is schools are very ineffective in dealing with bullying and kids get away with it - no consequences - no actions, just a school video on bullying.

That’s too much waffling. And it just looks like her mum wrote it. Plus she shouldn’t have to grovel.

I'm sorry, but am struggling to believe this, your 7yr old has a mobile??

Yes - tell the school and make it clear that the age dynamic is a factor and she needs to be with her one year group.

It is nearly the holidays. Make sure the Y7 girls socialise wiithout her. She’ll be old news by next academic year.

I’m sure she said year 7, not 7 year old.

Aah, sorry, forgot English schools say year 1,2 etc. We call it primary 1, 2. Sorry

Aah, sorry, forgot English schools say year 1,2 etc. We call it primary 1, 2. Sorry

OP I don't want to frighten you but definitely take the threats seriously and tread carefully (as I am sure you already are). When I was a teenager girl in my "friend" group at the time turned on me, I was new in the group so didn't have much support from the others and this girl was from a "rough" background, it turned into almost 2 years of relentless and severe cyber bullying and threats, telling me to commit suicide, me always looking over my shoulder as she would often attack me from behind and drag me to the ground if she spotted me out and about, scared of going out etc.

I was a quiet and shy teenager and it was truly horrific and I still suffer trauma from the whole thing to this day. This girl wasn't in my school so I didn't have school support for this kind of thing but please keep an eye on the threats, voice notes and messages the girl is sending, I hid mine from my mom as I was scared of it getting worse if I told someone.
Also be conscious that her friends might not be being as good to her as it appears on the surface, I found out later after a long time of the abuse that my "friends" were goading this on behind my back, adding fuel to the situation and even telling her my location and where I would be at a particular time which is how she attacked me from behind unexpectedly so many times.
To this day I don't know what the right way of handling it should have been, but I think if it was my child and it was happening I'd threaten to take it to the police if it didn't improve.
Like I said, I don't want to scare you and I hope it never escalates to that level for your DD. I just wanted to make you aware of what these girls are capable of in case your DD keeps it from you like I did with my mom

God above there is some terrible advice on here.

I agree with one of the posters above (one of the minority of sensible voices) saying that this was going to escalate anyway.

Your daughter is completely within her rights to tell her established friends that vaping and smoking weed (these are 12 year olds!) makes her uncomfortable. This is not talking shit about someone. For it to be talking shit it needs to be either untrue or exaggerated.

Sit down with your daughter and go through the friendship group one by one. Who is on board with this, and who is also likely to be uncomfortable, but is just keeping quiet so they don’t get the same treatment?

I’m sorry the other mum was such a let-down. How well do you know the other mums? I can’t believe there is no-one else in the group whose mum would not be on board with stepping in over an older girl who smokes weed and bullies, joining the group.

For what it’s worth, I see no issue with you calling her a wrong’ un. Right now, she is wrong.

The fact that she’s doing things which are illegal means that you can make a safeguarding referral, for Cece and for the rest of the group. The designated safeguarding lead will be across this through the holidays, but will be checking more intensively this week so I’d crack on. Good luck - and sympathies from one ND kid’s mum to another.

Is your DD a member of any other social group? I’ve always followed Steve Biddulph’s Raising Girls tip that girls should always have more than one social group so if it goes pear-shaped, there is another setting without the stress. Guides?

Just to add, I wouldn't threaten police just yet. It would likely escalate things. I mean do that if the situation worsens to a point where your daughter is truly at risk. I would start with her just trying to defuse the situation by talking to the girl/s. but definitely be very wary of ever trusting her or these friends ever again

It's not clear OP what the older girl is threatening your DD with, if she is threatening to physically harm her then I really think you need to involve the school and the police. If she is threatening to split up her friendship group or to spread lies about her or something along those lines then I'd leave the police out of it but contact the school, I'd start with your DD's head of year.

Does your dd want to apologise? If it would make her feel better then she could say 'I apologise for talking about Cece behind her back, I was worried about the vaping'. If she doesn't want to apologise then that's fine too as this girl sounds like a complete nightmare and your dd has done nothing except be concerned about her behaviour.

Oh and to add -this girl is almost certainly hanging out with younger kids because she’s not succeeding socially in Y8. There will be a reason for that.

Move your DD to another school, whilst she has chance before GCSEs start to get to know other kids and perhaps even might improve her attendance if you can find one local that is supportive of her needs and encouraging for her. I appreciate your DD is ND so moving would more challenging, and brings more concerns or maybe your in an area with limited options, plus you mention an older DS but this group is likely to be a problem for the rest of her school life, whether this particular girl drops them or not

Take your daughter’s phone at night time.

When scienctists discovered how the teenage brain works and the impact of adverse childhood experiences on that brain development?

I work with teenagers and some are bloody challenging but there's almost never not a reason for it.

@smokingpoppy I'm absolutely baffled as to why you haven't already got the school involved. Email your DDs pastoral team and cc on safeguarding over the weekend and ask for a call to discuss on Monday.

But the story HAS changed. In the OP (if you had read it) it states clearly that the other girl told "Cece" that the OP's daughter had been bad mouthing her. Now it turns out that a phone was taken by "Cece" and she saw text messages, That is quite different. See extract "My daughter has no filter and made her feelings known to the other girls. They told the wrong'un who has now turned on my daughter and is threatening her."

No year 7

Well wrong un does perfectly describe a vape smoking, weed taking bully. I would tell you daughter to find new friends.

Not remotely perfect.

don’t do this and don’t give the bully power.

OP you need to report this to the school, forward those voice notes to yourself or take videos of them playing and be ready to report the girl to the police if the school don’t do anything or it escalates

I don’t think it’s too late to report the bullying and threats to the school- sounds like the bully is well know to them already and they can put a plan in place over the summer for September.

it’s prob a really good time being the summer holidays as it will take the pressure off seeing everyone everyday so will take some of the heat out of the situation, and give your daughter some time to decompress and build up her strength ready for future battles. Will she be seeing her friends over the summer? Do they arrange it themselves to meet up? How can you make sure that your daughter won’t see the bully over the summer? Blocking her on phone is a good first step.

tell your daughter there is nothing wrong at all in not liking everyone in this world, and not wanting to hang around with everyone, (especially when they are so obviously a wrong un! I tend to discuss why do we think she might be behaving like that as it helps my daughter brain to understand why we’re all different)- she has not been rude at all, it’s an opinion but with 12 yr old they love drama so these things get blown up! But likewise your daughter can’t dictate who the friendship group hands around with so talk to her also about acceptance that maybe her friendship group has changed in a way she doesn’t like and can’t control, so ask her what the solutions might be, ie other friends, distancing herself a little bit, organising to see them one to one when the bully will not be around??
will the school change teaching groups/put into sets for yr 8? As that is a good opportunity to widen her friend circle a little more.

Why does a 7 year old have a phone. Jesus wept.

Year 7- would be 12 years old.