To think I've f*cked things up for my daughter even more

[smokingpoppy]

ND yr 7 daughter has a few nice but slightly rebellious friends. She struggles with school anyway, on a reduced time table due to overwhelm etc.
In her absence an older 'wrong'un' from the year above has infiltrated the friend group, giving out vapes and generally being a bad influence/ pushing boundaries even more.
My daughter has no filter and made her feelings known to the other girls. They told the wrong'un who has now turned on my daughter and is threatening her. Long threatening voice notes etc. She's got a history of fighting, suspended for it etc.
The wrong'un is demanding my daughter makes a big public apology to the whole friendship group for 'talking shit about her'. (She hasn't been talking shite she was just honest that she felt uncomfortable about stuff to her friends)
I mistakenly told one of the friend's parents who went straight to the wrong'un mum and told her. So now the threats have gone up a gear.
I have definitely made it worse. I shouldn't have trusted the other mum. I now have exactly 100% chance of getting my daughter in to school ever again.
WWYD? Tell the school? What can they do at the end of term?

Not all bullies are 'wrong uns' as OP put it, or from the stereotypical rough family. The parents might be at their wits end trying to improve their daughter's behavior. They might not even know about the escalation.

Or they might be rough as sandpaper and terrible parents, in which case at least OP will understand why the bully is behaving like she is, and can explain that to her daughter.

If they are a bunch of scruffs, grassing them to the police is only going to rile them up at best. At worst they'll take it out on their daughter, who'll take it out on yours.

There's only one way to effectively deal with a bully, and everyone knows what it is.

Just move schools. It's a best of vipers and you can't trust anyone. Start over and keep your own counsel.

OP told one mum, and that mum told another mum. It's hardly a nest of vipers! 😅

Imagine moving schools over a bit of verbal between 12 year olds? What happens if the kid gets into a fight at the new school? Move house?

I'm a retired teacher and I don't know what the "only way to effectively deal with a bully" is.

Please enlighten me.

You didn't make it worse, it would have escalated anyway. I have seen this bullying crap before. I guarantee you that she will assault your DD giving the chance.
She'll set her up to apologise and hit her when there is a crowd.
What did her mother say, did? Did she defend her DD to friend? I'd move school as this won't get better.

Oh my goodness. Cringing.

Sometimes it works going to the parents, it worked for me with DD.
DS is tougher, if he bullied and a parent came to me, he'd be in serious trouble, he'd be publicly apologising.

Yes you do 😅

If you feel physically threatened by a bully (as a child or an adult), you use reasonable and proportionate force to deal with them. And that doesn't mean waiting until they hit you first.

What do you think the strong confident bully will do if you hit them? They'll beat your body violently and make your life hell afterwards.

Children who get bullied generally aren't confident or physically strong, bullies usually are.

I've dealt with plenty and they're almost all absolute cowards. If they wanted a fight, they'd find one with someone who could fight back. They don't want a fight. That's why they pick on people they think can't/won't retaliate.

I'm of the view that all children should be taught how to properly defend themselves, but regardless, you don't have to be physically strong to whack someone in the nose. It doesn't matter if you lose the fight, as long as you fight.

You'll encounter bullies all your life. The sooner you get some backbone instead of relying on other people to solve your problems as a first response, the better.

Report to Police and school re bullying, vapes and weed
change schools
take her to school and pick up
change DD phone number

Why didnt you talk to the school as soon as it started ? That would have been the best plan. Especially if she is handing out vapes.
Really it sounds like a fresh start in a new school sounds best
And tell your daughter no social media. And only give out phone number when she really trusts someone.
Kids bully through social media and WhatsApp so easily.

Your priorities are really wrong; you should’ve spoken to the school not the mum, you should be talking to the police about the violence not mumsnet.

Your daughter shouldn’t be talking rudely about people, ND or not that’s zero excuse for a very basic behaviour.
I don’t think she should be on a reduced timetable for feeling overwhelmed. School is hard and learning is hard.. that’s part of the point; you struggle and eventually after hard work you realise you can do it. It sounds like your daughter would benefit from a new school tbh without this friendship group and a new start. I think from the tone of your post, you are too soft and have the wrong priorities frankly. The ‘overwhelm’ from school is far far far more important than the problems with the other girl. Good luck to you and her x

Wtf, a violent child handing out vapes is ok, but saying you are not happy with ur is "talking shit", are you the mum of the troublemaker?

Probably added them on Snapchat - kids don't share phone numbers these days they all use Snapchat and you can add people easily

Some of the responses here are just desperate to blame you and your daughter. I have no idea why. Also the fact that your daughter has ASD and will struggle more navigating social situations seems to have gone right over people's heads.

You have heard all about this “wrong ‘un”

from your 12 year old daughter?

I feel for you, OP. Your daughter is allowed to feel scared and intimidated by an older kid who is ramping everything up a bit. I would be strongly encouraging a totally new friendship group at this point (or a totally new school). Good luck.

School should have been your first port of call - meeting with head of your daughter's year and head of year for Cece. You can still do that now. Also police for threats. Bullies usually back off when you show you won't just put up with it.

I can’t believe you haven’t spoken to the school already

they need to know all this but honestly and factually without emotion afap . Safeguarding nightmare all round.

they can also help with changing friendship groups sitting elsewhere etc but it’s pretty unhelpful to bring this up either after terms finished or in the last two days when it’s clearly been going g on a while

You clearly have no experience of Autism. Or have an out of date, suck it up approach to mental health issues. The school overwhelm is not social, it’s sensory. It’s been this way since she was little. Well before any of this stuff. the only relevance is that’s she not been there as much and in that time the older girl has started hanging around

Just report everything to the school. The older girl is obviously a bully and must have run out of chances with her own year group.

Screen shot and save everything. Speak to school and let them deal with it.

It's summer holls not so maybe your DD needs to greyrock the bully and step away from from her phone until the bully has been dealt with.

It’s been a week. The vape stuff was only confirmed around Monday. It was a slow dawning for DD as everyone was taking in coded language and she’s ND so she was slow to realise.

Yes, and from other worried mums. And my son who is in the same school. The video of her fighting when viral around the school.

Well how did she get these girls phone numbers if she was just hanging around following them?

I think if that’s the way OP chooses to go the way the apology had been phrased is perfect. I’d also be speaking to the school but it’s not my daughter and not my call