Argument with bf this morning :(

[PeepSqueak]

Been together 2.5 years. Generally he’s very loving and supportive of me and we have a good relationship.

I suffer with my own mental health and self esteem. I started antidepressants just over 3 weeks ago, I’ve been a little up and down.

Last night I got really really anxious. Got into bed at 11:30 and I started saying about how I’m anxious about the future, how we’re not saving much money, worried about when things will fall into place etc.
He was supportive and trying to reassure me but he got a bit irritated after a while and also kept saying he was tired and needed to go to sleep for work in the morning.
i said I would go to sleep and he would stay up for 10/15 minutes to wind down (he likes to fall asleep after me as he snores loudly and doesn’t want to stop me sleeping). I was still anxious and said I would at least like a cuddle. He kept saying he was really confused and had no idea what was going on.

If I’m honest me neither, I woke up a bit brain fried and not feeling very good. We woke up and he was okay but pretty off with me, very timid. He said he was fine and that last night was done, but I kept asking if he was ok because he didn’t seem it.
I sat next to him for breakfast, but he went onto bbc sport on his phone so I went back into the bedroom.

He came in and asked where I went, I said he was busy so I left him to it. I asked if he was actually ok and something felt wrong. He then got irritated, saying he’s felt judged for the last 8 hours. I wasn’t judging him, just asking if he was ok.
He kept saying he’s going to be late for work, but I was getting more anxious at this point. He went to leave and I got upset because he didn’t hug me or say goodbye. He then turned round and shouted “I’m late!!!” And then stormed out of the house.

I just feel so confused and sad - my tablets are making me very up and down, and things like this never happen with us.
I haven’t heard from him and I’m scared and worried. But also I know I am a good girlfriend to him most of the time.

help please :(

It sounds like you are having a really hard time managing your anxiety at the moment which is a hard place to be, and he has tried to reassure you but his efforts didn't really calm your anxiety so he got a bit frustrated with the situation. It is really hard to be in his position too, to love someone and want to support them, and try really hard but nothing you do seems to help them. He ends up feeling stressed out over it. I think it's common that things fluctuate a bit when you start medication, but if it doesn't calm down maybe you can check in with your doctor about your tablets and see if any adjustments are possible/needed? It sounds like your anxiety is the issue more than your relationship, just remember that it's not easy for him either.

I think the first poster is right. I don't think he has done anything wrong.

It's good you are getting help for your anxiety, the meds need more time to take effect.

You're pushing him away

Sounds like an awful situation for both of you.

But if you try to put yourself in his shoes, he needed to go to sleep as he had work the next day, and at 11.30pm you prevented that by trying start a deep conversation that could've waited for a more appropriate time.

He woke up tired and fed up, and it sounds like you pushed and pushed him to talk about his feelings when he didn't want to, he just wanted to get ready and get out to work.

So again, you could've chosen a more appropriate time.

Perhaps part of your depression may mean you have to talk things through right there and then, but that's not how it works for him.

When someone is biting their lip and trying to prevent a row, it's best not to push them into talking right at that time.

I know my behaviours and reactions are less than ideal sometimes but also I’ve been so supportive to him in other ways recently and he understands my struggles. I just feel so hurt that he bellowed at me and then slammed the door this morning, and hasn’t messaged me as he normally would

Have you messaged him?

I think I would be irritated too if my partner started a conversation about saving and finances at 11.30 at night! He was tired and needed to sleep. Also, if you kept asking him first thing in the morning if he's ok when he's trying to wake up and get ready for work, I can see why he snapped.

It's not his job to manage your anxiety. I know it's hard but you need to find ways to calm yourself. You can download the Calm app on your phone which is really useful for anxiety and help with sleeping. Give it a try. Do you have any strategies that you use for self-regulation? For example, yoga breathing, go for a walk, having a warm bath or shower, watch something funny or soothing? Think about what helps you and try not to look to him for reassurance all the time.

In his shoes I'd find this difficult. He hasn't done anything wrong, you spiralling late at night when he needs to be up for work and he can't go to sleep before you in case he snores, then he gets up this morning for work probably tired and stressed from your outburst, you then sulk off into the bedroom because he checked the sport on his phone. Now this is going to continue because you're now judging that he hasn't text you, when he probably just needs space to calm down and focus on work not knowing what drama he'll walk into tonight. It wouldn't be a relationship for me.

I’m not sure you are ready for this kind of relationship. You need to sort yourself out and get on top of your anxiety. You would probably benefit from therapy.

I haven’t messaged him, I don’t want to aggravate him further and he will message when he’s ready.

I just feel sad. I’ve had one bad day and he shouted and slammed the door. I can completely see why he’d be irritated but I’m just worried now

To be honest, this might sound harsh, but he might be struggling with all this too. I think you’re focused on improving your own health right now which is good - but it still can be extremely difficult and stressful for the people around you too. I think people underestimate the impact to the partner when one is struggling with their mental health…

I think in your shoes, maybe you need to rethink how you approached things here. Starting deep conversations at midnight when you know he’s got work 8 hours later, was unwise as it was likely going to take some time to talk through. The impact was he wasn’t prepared for the conversation, still tried to digest it and reassure you but you both ended on an awkward note. That carried on to the morning and he ended up being late to work. So now he’s having a shitty day after getting little sleep.

I appreciate that you’re trying new medication but on a fundamental level, he’s been supportive and seems to be having a human response to things. Ultimately you’re not perfect & neither is he. I also think you’re acting like you think he’s a mind reader and are unhappy when he doesn’t do exactly what you want, but he’s not a NPC.

He is doing the right thing of taking time to calm down.

Well he hasn't done anything wrong.

To be honest I think his reactions are normal and fairly standard from someone who is being pestered with such mind fuck questions when they are tired and just want to sleep. Like a PP said, its not his job to deal with your anxiety and calm you down. What about what HE wants? Which was obviously some quiet and time to relax and get some sleep. It sounds like he did his best to respond to your needs and tried to be supportive but it sounds like it wasn't enough and you wanted more from him. Honestly you sound hard work.

As for this morning, repeatedly asking someone if they are 'ok' is honestly SO irritating. Seems he was quiet this morning because he was tired.

You need to find a way to help yourself when you are anxious. Yes, ask him for a cuddle and some support and accept it but don't keep pushing, which it seems like you keep doing.

You will drive him away if you continue this needy behaviour.

Leave him alone today to just sort his own head out.

So message and apologise for pushing so hard.

And then leave it at that.

Mental illness is a horrible thing, but it can also be a horrible thing for whoever lives with that person.

Poor lad.

I don’t think you are ready for a relationship. Sounds like he is unhappy too. I would be very, very irritated and upset if I had to deal with this at 11:30pm right before bed and work the next day. It carried over the next day as well and he snapped.. understandable.

I think you need to work on your anxiety on your own because either way he seems to be building resentment.

You said your relationship isn’t normally like this, this is new since you started your antidepressants. It may be the type you are on don’t suit you. Do you have information about possible side effects? Discuss this change in behaviour with your GP and ask for alternative medication.

I hope you feel better soon.

But you’re cutting yourself slack for being less than ideal, maybe you can cut him some slack too by trying to see things from his perspective? He’s not perfect either, but does be have to be?

I don’t think slamming the door is ideal but I can totally understand why he might be feeling stressed and frustrated

You are pushing him away

yoy sound insecure and you have an anxious attachment

read Attached by Amir Levine and Codependency by Pia Melody

seek therapy too

You can’t expect your partner to fix it for you
that’s unfair

You expect him to understand and forgive your less than ideal behaviours and reactions. Could you do the same for his? Or are you holding him to a higher standard of behaviour than you accept from yourself?

Have you sought any MH support other than antidepressants? Medication along with some therapy will help you much more, than just medication by itself. Your boyfriend is trying his best to cope with you, when you become anxious, but he's going in blind, unsure what to say. No matter how much he reassures you, it doesn't help, you keep asking the same questions over and over, to which he gives the same answers. I appreciate you can't help it, but what do you want him to do? He can't do any more than reassure you. After a while, yes, he's going to become irritated, because no matter what he says, it makes no difference. He can't do any more, it's you who needs to seek professional help, and speak to someone through therapy. I don't mean to sound harsh OP, I've had MH issues myself, and I have every sympathy.

11.30pm is not the time to start a conversation about the future, your worries, finances etc...maybe he feels like you're blaming him for these worries? Judging him for not earning or contributing more? This is a sore spot for some people.

You are sending mixed signals then wanting comfort and cuddles. I would be confused too. He shouldn't have shouted but I wouldn't really know how to respond either honestly.

I don't think he is wrong and neither are you. You need to cut him some slack which I get is hard when you're in a full spiral. You keep saying thus is new but if you're on antidepressants its not new and he's been helping you manage it for some tine? You said you've helped him, has he also got mental health issues? My partner has a habit if having these type if conversations late at night and it really stresses me and then I came sleep plus the conversation was around money worries etc, could he have taken this as a dig? We all communicate in different ways, my partner loves to get things out and talk but I struggle and need reprives to get myself together. Go for a run, do something nice for yourself, have a bath just try to calm and focus on settling yourself

Sounds like he's taken your concerns personally, thought you were criticising him which is why he was confused about you wanting a cuddle.

I think he's overreacted tbh, and maybe doesn't understand "anxious chatter".

Anxious thoughts are not always a reflection of how you really feel and when those thoughts take over, it's probably hard for you and him to know the difference.

I think you should try and seek out some psychotherapy.

Talking fretfully about this nebulous concept of 'the furure' and how it could potentially go wrong when you're about to try and go to sleep is never going to be a helpful conversation.

I know you feel you can't help it, but there's nothing he can say or do to stop your anxiety. It's a medical problem. He feels helpless and a bit frustrated and you being clingy or needy when he needs to go to work is not helping at all.

I hope you can seek help and get through this difficult time.

The mentally well really do struggle to understand what it's like having anxiety or other MH issues. It doesn't mean they don't care about you or want you to feel better.