Argument with bf this morning :(

[PeepSqueak]

Been together 2.5 years. Generally he’s very loving and supportive of me and we have a good relationship.

I suffer with my own mental health and self esteem. I started antidepressants just over 3 weeks ago, I’ve been a little up and down.

Last night I got really really anxious. Got into bed at 11:30 and I started saying about how I’m anxious about the future, how we’re not saving much money, worried about when things will fall into place etc.
He was supportive and trying to reassure me but he got a bit irritated after a while and also kept saying he was tired and needed to go to sleep for work in the morning.
i said I would go to sleep and he would stay up for 10/15 minutes to wind down (he likes to fall asleep after me as he snores loudly and doesn’t want to stop me sleeping). I was still anxious and said I would at least like a cuddle. He kept saying he was really confused and had no idea what was going on.

If I’m honest me neither, I woke up a bit brain fried and not feeling very good. We woke up and he was okay but pretty off with me, very timid. He said he was fine and that last night was done, but I kept asking if he was ok because he didn’t seem it.
I sat next to him for breakfast, but he went onto bbc sport on his phone so I went back into the bedroom.

He came in and asked where I went, I said he was busy so I left him to it. I asked if he was actually ok and something felt wrong. He then got irritated, saying he’s felt judged for the last 8 hours. I wasn’t judging him, just asking if he was ok.
He kept saying he’s going to be late for work, but I was getting more anxious at this point. He went to leave and I got upset because he didn’t hug me or say goodbye. He then turned round and shouted “I’m late!!!” And then stormed out of the house.

I just feel so confused and sad - my tablets are making me very up and down, and things like this never happen with us.
I haven’t heard from him and I’m scared and worried. But also I know I am a good girlfriend to him most of the time.

help please :(

Why Is this all about you? Why are you allowed to have less than ideal reactions but he isn’t? Think about him for a moment, he’s tired as you kept him up, he wanted his own time in the morning and you wouldn’t let him, he needed to get to work and you tried to stop him leaving quickly. Apologise to him and don’t do it again.

Speaking as someone who struggles with anxiety, it's all your anxiety talking and pushing this. Give him some space, stop demanding reassurance from him and think about things from his perspective. Try and calm down and distract yourself in ways that don't rely on him.

When you see him later, I'd apologise for pushing him so much and say you were in a real anxiety spiral and reading into his actions and you can now understand he just boiled over.

I have definitely been in a similar situation multiple times before, my DH is very blunt and straight-talking so I do still ask him at times if he's okay when there's nothing wrong, but I've had to learn to take him at his word the first time and also to respect when he's busy or tired or concentrating on something. He's very caring and reassuring but he's not my emotional support animal, he does have needs of his own as well

He's probably sitting at work now, anxious about how the OP is going to act when she arrives with his lunch.

It's really not on to continue encroaching like this.

Yes. And also, worried she's going to want him to be super grateful and super happy and super perky.

@PeepSqueak it doesn't seem like you are taking on board what people are saying.

I think you should have apologised first before the lunch offer otherwise it does seem a bit manipulative.

Instead of you actually owning your behaviour you are doing this lunch gesture which presumably he now has to be super happy and grateful for.

It seems like you are only interested in soothing yourself and not really stopping to think about what it's like for your bf.

I suffer from anxiety as well so am not saying this to be mean but I think you really need to find other ways to regulate yourself a bit better. It's not fair on your BF to expect him to help you out of your spirals.

I think you really need to work on your coping strategies and seek other outlets when your anxiety is high. If your BF was my relative/friend I would encourage him to step back from this relationship because it sounds like it could be really draining for him.

I hope you are able to get more help and that you feel calmer soon.

Do you normally drop off lunch for him?

You shouldn't have messaged him about lunch. You should've messaged him an apology. Not a "I'm sorry, but my anxiety..." Or something like that. But a genuine apology, and that's what I'd be expecting if I were him too.

Youre worried about money, but catastrophising and starting a discussion late at night is just making him stressed and potentially impacting his ability to to his job, which he knows he needs.

Anxiety is hard. And you deserve support. But you dont get to make your problems his problem.

You should also go back to the doc if your meds aren't helping.

You sound like hard work, sorry. It's not his job to constantly reassure you. I have anxiety too but you can't keep pushing people for responses, we all have our limits.

This is you thriving off your anxiety.sometimes it is like an addiction you need to be anxious this isn't your fault but you need to.try and mamage it.he can only be supportive up to a point you have to try and let it go,

A gem I took from your post - this is a guy who stays awake so you can go to sleep first.
MN is littered with threads by women whose other halves don’t give a toss about the effect their snoring has on them.
If he can do that for you, give him some peace to rest in return.
I have had awful MH issues in the past and done the same and all it does it makes everything worse.
Get yourself a big notebook and if these thoughts keep you up, write them down. If you feel really awful get up, go into another room and ring the Samaritans. It is a horrible feeling to have but it does pass.
Give your guy a bit of space. Sometimes men in particular just need a bit of time to reflect and regroup in their heads.
Apologise and then try and do something positive with your day that doesn’t involve trying to involve him.

Get some structure for dealing with your anxiety.
Firstly, your medication won't have kicked in for a few weeks so it's too early to change - stick with it for a while.

Have a rule not to discuss heavy subjects late at night : the 'future', medical stuff, money, to name a few.

Get yourself some LOOP earplugs - the sleep ones - and get used to wearing them each night so there aren't rules for when he can sleep.

When you see him say "sorry for last night - I was a bit anxious. Lets have a nice dinner and watch a movie" something simple like that. You're not apologising for being anxious - just for the turn the whole thing took which was actually no-ones fault.

Put this behind you and move on but don't dwell on it. When you start to feel better in yourself, then a little argument like this will be just that as you won't fret so much.

I dont know why you left the room when he was scrolling his phone you didn't need to do that.

Anxiety is a really horrible thing and its very debilitating. My heart goes out to you. I know that sometimes when your mind is overcome with anxieties is a horrible thing and you need to offload and share in the hope of finding reassurance in some way or other. But just like you can't control when you need this, your BF can't control when he is in the right place to do this and 11.30 at night isn't a good place.

You have ruminated on this and made it into a whole new issue, i.e the original concerns and now your perceived relationship woes. He is not privy to what is going on in your head and he probably feels cornered.

Texting him in the way you did, whilst attempting to alleviate your own anxieties, just really said, "here I am and the problem is still here and will pop up where you least expect me" and that's not helpful in terms of resolving it or giving him peace of mind at work,

Message him, telling him your timing was off last night and you are sorry. Don't explain the why and how it arose.

When he comes home, at some point over the weekend, have a loving chat with him. Goodluck.

Christ op, you're getting a hard time here.

Just talk to him, apologise and go from there.

Best of luck x

nice, so you have anxiety so you push it on him, how about just be anxious in silence.

The first month on antidepressants can worsen existing symptoms, I have experienced this myself, and then things started to get better from week four. I hope it does the same for you.

I'd do a bit of research and see if that's common for type of antidepressants you are on, or make an appointment with your GP to discuss if your behaviour has really changed in case you need another type of drug.

It may well help to explain this to your boyfriend. If I were you, I would say sorry for being so full on while promising myself not to raise important topics late at night (put yourself in his shoes).

I would also highly recommend some form of therapy alongside the antidepressants, again, your GP might help (when I was suffering, I was referred to an online service).

Just bear in mind that it may well be the drugs pushing you over the top, and this could stop soon as your body gets used to them.

Good luck, I know how debilitating anxiety and depression can be.

Gently OP (and I say this as someone who has been all these things myself) you sound like you’re being very needy and self-absorbed right now.

I used to act like this when I was in relationships I didn’t feel secure in. It sounds like you’re trying to make everything serious, have deep conversations, constantly reaching out for attention and reassurance - but nothing will do, because something isn’t right. Only you know if that’s a you issue, or whether the relationship isn’t really right and that’s what’s making you crave reassurance all the time.

Are you working too? What’s your day to day like?

I'm sorry you're struggling with your mental health.

However, bombarding someone with deep questions at bedtime, when they've made clear they want and need to sleep isn't OK.

It also isn't OK to keep prodding at someone because you don't want to accept the answer they've given you, then when you've provoked them to the point of them leaving the space and slamming the door making out that you're the victim in it all.

I'm honestly shocked that you thought the appropriate message to send him was that you'd take him lunch, instead of apologising for your behaviour and explaining that you think your new meds are causing you issues.

Poor fella.

As others have said, your anxiety is high atm and I feel for you, it must be draining. But, it sounds like a coping mechanism is to vocalise it alot which then expects a response from your boyfriend, whether sympathy, a listening ear, a problem solver etc. His natural responses fuelling further anxiety from you escalated, you not being able to deal with him not doing the usual like a hug etc.

I understand when you're worried you've upset someone it can be like an itch that gets worse, you just want it solved, but you rushed it and asked too many times if he was OK, then got more upset as he got more frustrated. Things will go round and round if it continues to the detriment of both if your happiness.

Late night is not a good time to bring up big life worries unless you're both on board for a chat, it sounds like you wanted a rant and then sleep, but talking about those before bed might make the other person worried and not be able to sleep.

By messaging and then being unhappy with his reply, you're rushing it, so you can feel better faster. Just leave him be, we're all entitled to some peace and not to feel obligated to do as "expected" when there's been a tiff.

I know how awful it is to want to reconcile especially when you feel you're probably the one who made the mistake, and it'd be nice for him to reassure you faster, but he needs to do that in his own time.

You sound very full on op.
I wouldn't have been impressed with thougt spiral at 11.30 when trying to go to sleep. Then he probably woke up tired and you started again before he had to go to work.

Then he is just sitting chilling watching his phone and you flounce back to the bedroom so then he has to go and see what's wrong.

He isn't your comfort blanket or coping mechanism. You have to work this one out without being so dependent on him

Apologise, then give him some space. Try to curb the neediness and reading into his every move, and focus instead on taking at least one independent step towards helping your anxiety. By this I mean something like contacting MIND or doing some meditation yourself, not trying to speed up the reconciliation.

Poor bloke

And probably worried she’s going to ask again are you ok?!?

OP if you take him lunch either say sorry , write a note apologising drop the food and leave him to it! Do not under any circumstances try and start a conversation about what has happened; that would be disastrous.

When he comes home apologise and tell him what you are doing to manage your anxiety going forward… he is your boyfriend not your therapist

but I kept asking if he was ok because he didn’t seem it ...
I asked if he was actually ok and something felt wrong. He then got irritated, saying he’s felt judged for the last 8 hours. I wasn’t judging him, just asking if he was ok.

Someone repeatedly asking me if I was okay after I reassured them that I was would REALLY irritate me.

"Are you SURE you're okay because your face looks angry?" etc, etc. Thanks for that.

I'm sorry things are not going well for you. You do say that generally he's very supportive and loving so that's good.