To think a lot of women are “dating down” just to avoid being alone?

[ThatPeachLemur]

I’ve seen too many brilliant, beautiful women mothering dusty men and calling it love.

I think a lot of PEOPLE date whoever they can get to avoid being alone. Not sure it’s particularly gender specific (except for women there is the biological clock too.)

Also a lot of people see relationships and marriage as a necessary aspect of milestone of adult life so even if they cannot find a good partnership will settle for anybody.

I do think women are single shamed more though. It’s baffling to me how often men will respond to my expressing reluctance to being in a poor quality partnership / be with an incompatible partner with “well enjoy being alone with cats!!!!!”

Why is a woman being alone worse to them than a woman in a partnership that is not right for her.

Odd.

That isn’t what I was suggesting.

However, it is human nature to regard yourself as superior to everybody else. I am sure there are men on a male forum somewhere bemoaning the fact that they had to settle and that they are/would be much happier on their own.

I say this because I know several men who are long term single due to divorce, separation or bereavement who seem quite happy on their own and are not outwardly seeking a partner.

Really? 99.5% that's a hell of a lot, where do you see the evidence for this?
Using MN as an example - I know you haven't said that - would really show those numbers but most women in decent normal relationships wouldn't be on here gushing about fantastic relationships myself included.

Statistically however more men remarry than women and in general men benefit more from marriage than married women and single men. Of course this does not mean everyone does!

They also desire marriage and relationships more than women (though I saw this from a US report - not sure what the UK data says.)

I don’t use terms like “dating down”
though. What does that even mean?

This is what I am seeing too.

A lot of younger people are feeling pressure to couple up simply due to astronomical housing costs.

Faced with renting a more affordable 1 bed flat as a couple rather than a room alone in a comparatively expensive and more fraught houseshare (and living with parents isn’t an option for everyone), a lot of people can convince themselves a mediocre relationship is worth it.

So yes there might always have been pressure to settle down or panic about the biological clock - but the housing costs pressure is more recent. It is quite literally dictating how young people live their lives.

Also I've noticed the opposite. Those insane gym bunny men often have a plain Jane girlfriend.

I often think it's because only one can be the 'star'.

Maybe that's true of many women? But I think many women are also more attracted to character, reliability.

I'm not sure what a dusty man is? I think that often we don't really know what someone is like unless we're in the relationship with them.

I am 150 % sure my ex boyfriend married someone to help him buy a house and get a visa. I think she has obviously ‘dated down’ (I hate that expression) but he knew how to play it in this time around in order to get his visa and onto the property ladder. I imagine she maybe coming to the reality of her dating down now it is a bit too late.

He asked me to marry him in my late 20’s in order to ‘get a visa’ and ‘if I loved him I would’. Of course, I did not marry this prince amongst men. He also used to go on and on and on and on about me buying a property. Obviously my ex is not a very nice person but he will have fed his wife a load of shite - I know they bought a property together after dating for 6 months. She is a professional, and I know for a fact he could not afford the deposit for his property in the south west himself (unless he won the lottery).

I think Men are more aware of the benefits of marriage than they let on. If marriage did benefit woman in any way, I am sure the patriachy would have taken it away from us by now. We were brain washed into thinking marriage would complete us but many woman are now realising the reality of settling is not great. I do not blame woman for settling though, as some guys put on a great act for the long haul - my example above, I am sure my ex would not have said ad verbatum; ‘marry me for a visa’ as he had wisened up by that time 🤣, but I suspect it has made his stay in the UK and getting a job / house etc far easier for him.

I am saying this as a happily married woman now, but I do have a healthy level of cynism regarding marriage and the choices men make. I think they are able to very quickly assess if you are an asset to them or not, and change their behaviour and act accordingly. I also think Men have an inbuilt radar as to how much bullshit you will put up with and if they cotton on you are expierenced with bullshit in the dating field - a certain type of man will ghost you very quickly. I do not blame woman for ‘dating down’ due to a huge variety of social, biological and financial reasons. I suspect many woman, like my ex boyfriends wife, has no idea how vile he was to me and asked me to marry him for a visa. 🤣

Shame most of them don't desire to make
a proper effort in this instance, bastards. 😆

Who do they marry? Other men?

Edit: I see what you mean.

Thinking about it some more, do the statistics record whether fewer women remarry through choice, or lack of opportunity?

Someone pulled the stats quite nicely into this thread https://www.reddit.com/r/AskFeminists/comments/16aevmw/why_do_widowed_men_get_married_so_damn_quick/

Looks like a combination of both - women outlive men(generally) but also would be looking at more hours of domestic labour if they marry again (and perhaps not much incentive to do so).

Now that would be a novel solution for male loneliness 😅

This is me. Happily so.

I agree!

Good lord 😂

Women are quite within their right to decide to remain single than date a man who is beneath them. Women generally don't have crazy high expectations
If a woman is earning their own income, living alone and generally providing for herself, living a good single life. Why should she think she doesn't deserve someone decent? Why should she feel compelled to attach herself to a crack head, with no job, who cheats, who abuses her, because any man is better than no man? Because the previous generations would have accepted it?

A lot of women have chosen to remain single because it is the preferable option to dating someone who would make them miserable. Surely that's not hard to understand?
If they want a family then they can choose to hold out until they find someone who is broadly their equal or they may be financially comfortable enough to go it alone. Or they might accept that they would be happier to accept not having children if the alternative is having a child with an unsuitable man and being miserable because he's an arsehole

In the US data fewer women desire to remarry;

https://www.pewresearch.org/social-trends/2014/11/14/chapter-2-the-demographics-of-remarriage/#:~:text=8,who%20are%20eligible%20to%20remarry.

Among those eligible to remarry—adults whose first marriage ended in divorce or widowhood—men are much more likely than women to have taken the plunge again. In 2013, some 64% of eligible men had remarried, compared with 52% of women.9
This may reflect, in part, the fact that men who have been divorced or widowed are more likely to want to remarry than are similarly situated women. Some 29% of eligible men say they want to remarry, and 36% are not sure, according to a recent Pew Research Center survey; only 30% say they do not want to marry again. In contrast, just 15% of previously married women want to remarry, and 27% are not sure; about half of these women (54%) report that they do not want to remarry.

I will try and find UK data.

From what I remember of my aunts and uncles growing up, it's been the case for decades. The man always most definitely got the best deal.

They remain single avoiding poor quality partnerships.

I am not sure you can compare the two. Marriage was seen as more of a mandatory part of adult life, women were more financially dependent and gender roles were entrenched.

The fact the current generation of young women have more autonomy, want more domestic equality and that marriage is seen as optional not compulsory are not actually negative things.

I think that some women and some men date down to avoid being alone. I also think some women and some men choose being single instead. It isn't a sex thing.

Agree with some of that.
I know girls still in their 20s that haven't been single since they were 16.
Not sure that's a great thing..they have good partners but its quite grown up to settle down and fully put all efforts into a relationship in your teens / early 20s and never split.

Ive also heard phrases from co workers.
Like he cheated on * but not to worry she's met someone else now!
What the hell why do young women need to meet someone else and then act like they are married.
Deffo think they see single and boring.

Nail on the head! And has been the case in my friendship groups.

Such an odd analogy

"I think there's some dangerous narratives going on here about "deserving better" and "expectations""

A woman is allowed to have expectations and know when she deserves better. If she is with a man who is abusing her every day, she can decide she deserves better and leave

'If you think you deserve a 250k job but no one is offering you one, do you just stop working?
Why do you deserve an amazing man? Why you?"

Someone might need a job to live but no woman needs to live. A more appropriate analogy would be if you are a billionaire, would you go get a job where you're boss was an arsehole and the pay was awful when you were living perfectly comfortable before. Or do you wait it out and find a fulfilling job with a good boss that appreciates you. If you can't find a nice job, then it would be perfectly fine not to get the first job you find as you are living a perfectly fine life without a job at all