Rude colleague

[Kyotomayoto]

Someone close to me has passed away in tragic circumstances. I am taking a couple of days annual leave to regroup and casually mentioned this to a colleague, without going into detail. She looked from side to side and said “ohhh what do I need to say that?”

I was fuming internally but laughed it off and just said don’t worry. She replied, I need to say don’t worry? I then slightly more sharply said the appropriate response was sorry or condolences.

she doesn’t speak English as a first language but speaks it excellently. I feel there’s a real lack of empathy there; I have to educate her on how best to be kind to me?!

I also just find her behaviour fully rude at times. We were talking about foxes the other day and I said that I quite liked them and felt bad humans were encroaching onto their natural habitat. She told me to get over it…

We are in a very small team of people and I’m finding it very difficult to build any kind of positive relationship with her.

She’s just not very nice. I’d say nothing beyond essential work conversation.
Sorry to hear about your friend.

Dealing with death and grief in a second language and a different culture is actually really difficult. Linguistically you might not have the vocab, or the right formulation. Culturally you don't know if there is etiquette or if you should do something particular. What makes it worse is that in that moment you need help but the person in front of you really isn't best placed at that moment. She was asking you for help, literally told you she didn't know what to say and your answer wasn't clear, because you're grieving and don't have the headspace to deal with it right now. So neither of you were UR.

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale I speak a second language near fluently. She is more than fluent. It’s not an etiquette thing to say “sorry”. It’s trivialising the loss….

She sounds quite socially awkward, I wouldn't give it any more headspace tbh.

You're giving the interactions way too much headspace, especially the fox conversation. You're different personalities.

Well you don’t need to be friends, just keep it professional.

For example, now you know that she has the empathy of a rock, just don’t tell her why you are taking time off, just say ‘ I have a couple of days annual leave, these are the arrangements for my work during that time’

It could stem from a cultural difference, or she could just be uncomfortable with others emotions. Either way, now you know.

Sorry for your loss 💐

I think she felt put into an awkward position and didn’t know what to say.

Thanks everyone. She’s just so blunt. Her first question was, well why are you in today then.

I dont think she did anything wrong in the first conversation. She clearly didn't know how to respond. She may speak fluent English, but she's obviously from a different culture. She may not deal with death or discussing death in the same way as you. I dont think she was rude, I think she was honest.

How well do you express yourself in her language? Do you get the nuances right and interpret the emotional content correctly?

It sounds like she's blunt, which can come across as rude. Bluntness could be a cultural difference, but that doesn't mean to say its wrong.

@dogcatkitten i don’t speak her language but I can get by in three other languages! Four including English… And yes in one of them particularly, I express myself well.

Why is saying Sorry trivialising the loss? Isn't that a normal thing to say... sorry to hear that / sorry for your loss...
Also maybe she didn't express it the best way, but did you need to be in the office? I'd be thinking... you've enough going on, don't worry about work, no need to be here...

You're obviously dealing with a lot, you don't like this colleague and your taking it out on her.
(Fox comment makes this obvious).

(Dare I say it) Sorry for your loss, it's a tough time for all the family of friends of the deceased.

I also think bluntness can cause tension and animosity. I have a whole list of examples. But yeah saying “get over it” to a colleague trying to make small talk isn’t really on is it.

I’ll say something and she’ll just shut me down. “Are you enjoying your lunch, what have you got?” “Yes.”

i mentioned that the weather outside was warm and she said “oh i feel it’s cold today” and high fived another colleague who agreed and giddily said “oh we’re just so in sync”.

she not just blunt, she’s rude and childish

@FlipFlopShopInHawaii she didn’t say sorry! She said to me, “oh do I need to say don’t worry” with a smirk on her face.

i then said no the appropriate response is sorry.

Saying “don’t worry” and borderline laughing about it, is trivialising the loss, yes!

You just don't like her 🤷‍♀️

I don’t because she’s not very nice 😂

I mean, I know I can be blunt with people, but my answer to that would have been a nod of understanding and 'take your time' or something along those lines. The 'why are you in today then' is kinda blunt but to the point, although I don't know if you were unable to just ring in and say you needed time off on the day.

I'm confused 🫤
You said
"It’s not an etiquette thing to say “sorry”. It’s trivialising the loss…."
That's what I was quoting, and was asking you about.

@Isobel201 thats a perfectly fine response and I really don’t mind bluntness. It’s more her general manner. It’s rude.

I think I missed out a word. I meant to say it is trivialising the loss to NOT say sorry. But I think I was pretty clear in my first post that she did not say it.

She’s just operating under different norms of what constitutes social behaviour, by the sound of it. I’m surprised you can’t see this if you’ve lived in other places and are polyglot. Some cultures don’t do small talk, and woukd see no need to perpetuate what you saw as a conversational opener (‘Are you enjoying your lunch?’) beyond a response to the actual question.

In the first instance, when you said you were taking leave after a death, it sounds as if she was literally asking you what the appropriate response was in the circumstances.

@PhelanSegur I imagine it is because she’s seems to treat me very differently from others. As I explained, she seems to actively try and forge / build a bond with others but will shut me down every time I speak it appears. So yes, that’s the rude bit.

Sorry for your loss.

I had a manager like this.
When my cat had to be pts I was very upset. The next day when I arrived at work I explained I was upset about the cat and her reply was
‘I can’t stand cats they kill birds.’
Fair enough that’s her opinion but it wasn’t the time or the place to give it.

Just avoid her as much as possible op and accept she’s just not nice.

I’m sorry @Figcherry thats just inappropriate from her and not nice given the circumstances!