Rude colleague

[Kyotomayoto]

Someone close to me has passed away in tragic circumstances. I am taking a couple of days annual leave to regroup and casually mentioned this to a colleague, without going into detail. She looked from side to side and said “ohhh what do I need to say that?”

I was fuming internally but laughed it off and just said don’t worry. She replied, I need to say don’t worry? I then slightly more sharply said the appropriate response was sorry or condolences.

she doesn’t speak English as a first language but speaks it excellently. I feel there’s a real lack of empathy there; I have to educate her on how best to be kind to me?!

I also just find her behaviour fully rude at times. We were talking about foxes the other day and I said that I quite liked them and felt bad humans were encroaching onto their natural habitat. She told me to get over it…

We are in a very small team of people and I’m finding it very difficult to build any kind of positive relationship with her.

She is a rude cunt. I speak another language but not fluently and even I could manage to say how I was sorry for you, or for your loss, or how sad for you, all without a stupid smirk on my gormless face.

However, she has made it plain from your other examples that she isn't interested in being friendly with you even for the sake of a harmonious working relationship, so just cut her adrift, don't engage anymore than you have to and then be as abrupt as she is. She can take her native bluntness and stick it up her arse - that should be direct enough for the insensitive twat.

I don't think it's rude. She didn't know the appropriate response and was honest about not knowing what to say. Even people from the same culture can struggle with what response is expected, it will be even more difficult for someone with ESL. I think people need to be more accepting of people who communicate differently such as ND people and people from other cultures instead of just jumping to calling them rude.

Sounds like you needed a vent. Grief can come with it's own layer of anger, although I'm not saying she doesn't sound grating...

Hope you get time to begin processing your grief. Try not to focus on your feelings towards a relatively inconsequential colleague while you're off. It could be your mind trying to distract you from the real pain of what's going on.

Sorry for your loss 💐

i was thinking polish - all very direct

I'd find you really irritating if you started inane conversations about my lunch.

I lost a very close friend to an absolutely tragic accident that couldn’t have been foreseen, and learnt this whilst on holiday with my children and my parents.
I remember my dad just saying, with no obvious emotion “I don’t know what to do or say to you as I’ve never been through this”. (I was in my 20s, he in his late 60s. He’d lost a couple of friends to cancer, but nothing of this nature.)

The fact that he couldn’t make an emotive response, to his daughter, at that time, (in his own language) didn’t mean he was heartless. He just didn’t know what to say to help.

You’re putting too much on your colleague.

1. you don’t like her and find her rude.
2. you’re feeling vulnerable after a really hard loss.
3. you aren’t looking at the nuance of sympathy between cultures and language barriers (even when fluent that doesn’t mean you know the social niceties when someone loses someone…I refer back to my own anecdote).

You're being unreasonable. I understand why, but ultimately you need to know that you are.

The thing is though, people with ND or what have you CAN be a bit aggravating.
That's not to say that they should cease to exist or are 'wrong' in any way, but pretending you're not a bit miffed sometimes I think is counterproductive to actually getting along. My best friend has ADHD and some of her behaviour can be annoying as hell, it doesn't mean I don't accept her. Being able to say "I didn't like that/that made me feel a bit shit" is the bridge towards connection, even if they didn't mean to offend. You just have to do it in a way where you're not attacking the other person and telling them they're a shit person. Easier said than done when you're offended and/or going through something difficult, though.

@Kyotomayoto She's extremely rude but the way you describe it makes it sound like she's bullying you (eg being nice to others but shutting you down). I would talk to HR about this because it's hard to work in a hostile environment. Her being a foreigner and blunt in general has nothing to do with it since she seems to be able to be nice to everyone except you.

Yes, I agree with this.

It really doesn't - even with OP's best possible spin on it.

YANBU - she’s been really rude and insensitive to you in a very difficult time. I’ve had a very similar experience and it hurts a lot more than it would in normal circumstances ie: when you are not so vulnerable. You are completely within your rights to vent here, that’s what MN is supposed to be for, disregard the nasty comments. I hope you feel better soon and try to ignore that b*#>h 🩷

I think saying "sorry for your loss" is quite a specifically english/American phrase, I'm not sure where she's from, I'm sure they would have their own specific phrase for loss she could've used but maybe it doesn't make sense in English. I don't think it's unreasonable of her to ask you, but it's a bit insensitive. You clearly just clash, maybe its cultural, maybe its not- it doesn't really matter just avoid her as much as is professionally possible, we all have to work with people we don't like sometimes, not much you can do about it tbh. Maybe she's rude, maybe you're over sensitive - doesn't really matter, it's just a personality clash and you can't change her, try not to take it to heart and ignore as much as you can

She is a bully trying to build alliances with others and distancing you. Her rudeness sounds deliberate. Haven’t read the ft but if it is mainly aimed at you, depending on the dynamics,I would either have a planned response or I would talk to my friends about it. Don’t let her win.

What is her first language, where does she originate from? Some cultures can come over quite blunt sometimes.
I would keep things civil with her but don’t bother beyond that.

OMG … seriously?!? Someone just trying to be polite and make small talk. Some people really are just so rude.

She knew … she’s trying to appear uninterested. Obviously doesn’t like the OP for some reason. Everyone who’s something to say when you hear that someone has died. Sorry, oh no that’s sad, oh really … I feel bad for you, oh no sounds awful. There are many many options and variations people could use.

Yes I would. It's completely pointless, making a noise for the sake of it.

Tbh in an office situation if I were sitting at my desk , eating a sandwich and someone said :Are you enjoying your lunch, what have you got?” , I'd think they were really odd.

There's small talk which of course can be enjoyable- that's just a pointless noise. The OP clearly doesn't like this person so why bother engaging in such banality and then getting huffy about it when the person doesn't respond?

She sounds neurodivergent.
Her responses sound exactly how my ND daughter would respond. She wouldn’t be trying to be rude, but genuinely would not understand the socially acceptable response in that sort of a situation.

Sounds like you just dont like one another, which is fine.

Agree with you she sounds like an idiot and I'm sorry you're working with someone so unpleasant. Ynbu

Why are you giving this so much mental energy? You don't like her, that's fine. Sounds like she's not your biggest fan either. Just be professional and leave the drama at work. You can choose to detach from this and use your energy and mental bandwidth on something else.

Sometime you just don't have the mental bandwidth to engage in small talk. why should someone's else's comfort come at the expense of my own? Especially as women, we're always expected to be nice. That takes valuable energy.

As an autistic, she sounds like me. When I first started in employment I would be lost for what to say in situations like this until I learned them. Socialising is learned behaviour for many.

People like you who assume rudeness rather than lack of social skills or neurodiversity makes life hard for people like me.

You don’t have the bandwidth to polity respond to a colleague when they ask you if you’re enjoying your lunch? What?

I once worked in an organisation that was very big on diversity courses, KPIs that included BAME staffing....

On of my team was French, he put in a formal complaint that was essentially it was French cultural identity to be blunt, and his cultural identity was not being respected.

His English was excellent, but other people frequently felt he was being rude to them rather than "blunt".