Rude colleague

[Kyotomayoto]

Someone close to me has passed away in tragic circumstances. I am taking a couple of days annual leave to regroup and casually mentioned this to a colleague, without going into detail. She looked from side to side and said “ohhh what do I need to say that?”

I was fuming internally but laughed it off and just said don’t worry. She replied, I need to say don’t worry? I then slightly more sharply said the appropriate response was sorry or condolences.

she doesn’t speak English as a first language but speaks it excellently. I feel there’s a real lack of empathy there; I have to educate her on how best to be kind to me?!

I also just find her behaviour fully rude at times. We were talking about foxes the other day and I said that I quite liked them and felt bad humans were encroaching onto their natural habitat. She told me to get over it…

We are in a very small team of people and I’m finding it very difficult to build any kind of positive relationship with her.

She thought you were telling her she should say ‘Don’t worry’.

Honestly, OP, if you’re this prickly and quick to take offence around her (not just after a loss, when I think it’s understandable you were irritable), then I think it’s fairly obvious why she doesn’t like you.

@PhelanSegur what a horrible thing to say. I’ve given no indication that I’ve had an issue with any of her comments. I’m venting on here. I tend to just laugh them off or pretend they don’t get to me…

I agree with @PhelanSegur, and you've admitted it. You just don't like her, you take offence at everything she does/says & I imagine it shows.
You're obviously grieving, but it seems to me you're taking a lot more offence than you would otherwise have done if you didn't dislike her so much.

Maybe she doesn't like you or thinks you are a drama queen - not saying you are at all - but she might think that!

It's okay to admit that for whatever reason, you just haven't clicked with a person.

Every exchange leaves you feeling frustrated and annoyed, so there's nothing wrong with dialing things back to a point of keeping interactions strictly work-related, and realising that she's not the person you want to make small talk with.

I remember learning this lesson when I was still fairly new in my career. There was this lady probably the better part of 20 years older than me. Others seemed to really like her and we were in different, but adjacent teams. In every interaction I came away feeling like I'd been put down.

I decided to try one last time.

She'd been off the previous day at a funeral of a family member. I sat next to her in the staffroom and said, "I hope the funeral yesterday went okay?"
She turned to me with a face like I'd just thrown a shit in her eye, "What?"
"I hope the funeral went okay...?"
Then she just turned away and ignored me.

We were done after that. I never spoke to her again other than to discuss work-related things. I went purely-professional on her ass. It's okay to just not really like someone very much.

Weird thing was, we both ended up leaving that job, and I randomly bumped into her in a supermarket carpark about 2 years later, and she couldn't have been nicer. Weird.

Thanks @zingally and makes sense. My issue is that I’m literally next to her in a tiny tiny team. If I don’t talk to her, I talk to no one!

There’s some deliberately goady fuckers out in force on this thread. Your colleague was rude, it’s really not up to the OP when talking about a bereavement to then have to worry about whether the person she’s talking to is feeling socially awkward or not or to have to tell her how to respond. OP has already said this person is more than adequate in the language being spoken. Even the most socially awkward of people can manage a simple ‘sorry to hear that’.

Thank you @AmberMae. I think given the long history of rude interactions with her, and the fact she smirked and made it into a comedic look from side to side, “errr what do I say” - we can safely assume her intentions were not good 😂 We work with clients and I can assure you she would not have done this with them…

I think the perfect response to her would have been “It’s not my job to teach you how to express empathy/be a nice person/be kind/pretend you’re polite.”
She’s Dutch isn’t she?

She just sounds like a massive twat. And you have a personality clash.
Some peoples personalities are built on a lid of rude twatish banter, almost bullying and a need to push people to combat with them. They enjoy it.
I cant be arsed with these people so just ignore or treat with contempt.

I think maybe in her head she thinks she’s being a mixture of left field, funny, sarcastic and witty perhaps. My brain really struggles to believe that a work colleague deliberately sets out to be this rude.

But if this is just how she has, and pretty much your only colleague then gosh I really empathise with your pain 😬.

@LittlleMy i think you’ve hit the nail on the head. I frequently get the impression that she thinks she’s got an irreverent sense of humour, sarcastic, witty… you name it. She prides herself on being the funny one and always says “oh I’m just busy telling jokes”. The sad reality is she is basic and her humour is tragic!! Which makes her come across like a bitch

In that case, I think I’d come back with the same energy but more sarcastic that’s not directly mean/bullying because that’s not who you are. So if she said something like ‘I’m just busy telling jokes’, I’d reply with something like ‘and one of these days some of them are actually going to be funny’ - you get the idea. It allows you to vent your frustration in an ‘acceptable’ way as it were and in her own ‘joke language’ because after all you’re only returning what she’s dishing out herself.

I think in time she’ll figure it out herself (hopefully!) that she needs to tone it down because you’re never laughing but rolling your eyes or other social cues that make her realise her ‘humour’ is not landing!

I think you need to learn the language of “hard stare”. Try watching the Paddington films for pointers.

When she’s rude - which she clearly is - give her a hard stare and turn the awkwardness back on her.

This, it's work, not everyone is going to be like you or your perfect friend. She sounds a bit blunt at worst.

Well here we get more to the point, I think you really don't like her. These things are usually a two way dynamic so examine yourself as well.

@sallsterm are you actually for real? I’ve made a massive effort with her and treat her the same as everyone. I’ve been told formally as feedback that I’m very good to work with

Sorry for your loss.

Without knowing your colleague, from what you've said about her being a second language speaker, I would have interpreted it as basically her saying in a very awkward and unfortunate way 'what is the word or phrases that are socially acceptable to say here in English?'. What is the English for condolences basically.

Most languages have culturally accepted responses to being told of a death that are similar to my condolences. It is not usually something you would learn as a word unless you have come across a death.

Remember when you are grieving you are angry and in a lot of pain all the time, this can make reactions to people stronger and more angry and more intolerant than when you are not grieving. If you don't like her anyway, you are going to have a stronger reaction to her. It's part of grief. You really need to cocoon yourself when you are grieving because if it was someone you were very close to, it is a huge mental upheaval. Try to avoid people who upset you or you don't feel are on your side as much as you can. You are devastated anyway and people who get under your skin in normal times will not help you.

On here you've called her rude, childish, basic and a bitch. Maybe you're not as nice to her in person as you think you are. Maybe it's possible that she's spotted that you dont like her.

@KrisAkabusi why do you think I don’t like her?

Your reaction to @sallsterm suggesting that you dont like her was "Are you actually for real ", as if that couldn't be further from the truth. I'm pointing out that you've called her lots of names on here, including calling her a bitch. Its bloody obvious that you dont like her, so she could easily be picking up on that.

Yes I am for real, read your own posts, you called her a bitch for her sense of humour. It comes across like you don't like her in a general way which will seep into how you interact with her as well and create a dynamic.

Op to be honest, I've been there and it's not your fault in a way, sometimes we don't know we are creating a dynamic with someone until it's pointed out by a third party. Sorry if I came across a bit harsh.

Your post about her humour and personality just sounds very scathing, there's no way that doesn't come across in interactions. When she said 'what should I say to you' about the bereavement I wonder if what was lost in translation (not language but understanding) was she may feel like you take things the wrong way, or don't like her.

You dont like her and want her to make the effort to appease you. She was clumsy with there words, who cares