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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rude colleague

103 replies

Kyotomayoto · 17/07/2025 10:13

Someone close to me has passed away in tragic circumstances. I am taking a couple of days annual leave to regroup and casually mentioned this to a colleague, without going into detail. She looked from side to side and said “ohhh what do I need to say that?”

I was fuming internally but laughed it off and just said don’t worry. She replied, I need to say don’t worry? I then slightly more sharply said the appropriate response was sorry or condolences.

she doesn’t speak English as a first language but speaks it excellently. I feel there’s a real lack of empathy there; I have to educate her on how best to be kind to me?!

I also just find her behaviour fully rude at times. We were talking about foxes the other day and I said that I quite liked them and felt bad humans were encroaching onto their natural habitat. She told me to get over it…

We are in a very small team of people and I’m finding it very difficult to build any kind of positive relationship with her.

OP posts:
BotterMon · 17/07/2025 17:28

You don't need to get on - you obviously dislike each other so keep your relationship professional. No reason to chat to her about personal events/beliefs.

TicklishMintDuck · 17/07/2025 17:42

You’re giving this way too much headspace. Put it away and forget about it.

aGirlLikeJesamine · 17/07/2025 17:54

i am sorry for your loss op @Kyotomayoto
please dont dwell on your colleague's odd reaction.

StasisMom · 17/07/2025 17:56

Kyotomayoto · 17/07/2025 10:26

@StrictlyAFemaleFemale I speak a second language near fluently. She is more than fluent. It’s not an etiquette thing to say “sorry”. It’s trivialising the loss….

Completely agree, I speak other languages and would manage to be polite and considerate.

IsItWickedNotToCare · 17/07/2025 18:01

She sounds rude and as if she's taking the p*. I would be icily polite but try not to engage too much with her. I'm sorry for your loss and having to deal with her on top of it.

sunflower85 · 17/07/2025 18:17

You sound like an absolute melt. I’m glad I don’t work with you!

Original poster
Kyotomayoto · 17/07/2025 18:20

@IsItWickedNotToCare thank you so much!

@sunflower85 so do you darling

OP posts:
ThePerkyDuck · 17/07/2025 18:27

@Kyotomayoto just don’t talk to her apart from strictly work related topics. Honestly if she is a rude, don’t waste you time with her, get a book or smth to do when you have your lunch.

godmum56 · 17/07/2025 18:32

BotterMon · 17/07/2025 17:28

You don't need to get on - you obviously dislike each other so keep your relationship professional. No reason to chat to her about personal events/beliefs.

this.

Pluvia · 17/07/2025 18:38

For the first 50 years of my life I'd respond to anyone informing me of a bereavement 'Sorry for your loss' or 'Condolences' or similar, and it seemed to be okay.

But in recent years I've had bereaved friends message me to say I'm not to say anything to them because they find standard phrases such as 'Sorry for your loss' trite, or that sympathising with them when I have no idea how badly they're hurting is offensive. I've had a colleague shout at me when her mother died and I said 'I'm so sorry, poor you,' to her. Apparently she'd hated her mother for years and was sick of people offering condolences.

So, OP, if your colleague has been on the receiving end of that kind of behaviour I have, I'm not surprised that her first instinct was to ask 'How do you want me to respond.'

SharpLily · 17/07/2025 18:48

I'm guessing she's Dutch.

ZamaZama · 17/07/2025 18:58

I'd have been annoyed by that too. It's not that she said the wrong thing, but that her response made it all about her. That would seem to be a personality or maturity thing rather than cultural - at least, I've never heard of a culture where it's socially acceptable to make other people's bad news about yourself.

While we have to take cultural differences into consideration, sometimes people just aren't very pleasant or mature.

Neetra30 · 17/07/2025 19:08

@Kyotomayoto dont give that cow any more headspace and dont waste your energy on her.
How bloody rude. If she doesnt know what to say or how to communicate with others respectfully maybe she should just be quiet!

GlomOfNit · 17/07/2025 19:09

OP, clearly you don't like her (which is fine - I think I'd find it hard to like her too!) and you're very different personalities. Never mind that she's fluent in English, she WILL have a different cultural viewpoint on things like this. But yes also she sounds (to you) unpleasantly blunt, even rude. (She could even be on the autistic spectrum.) So what? She's not your bestie! You don't have to be friends with, or even like, work colleagues, sorry.

Just don't take it personally. I always find it a lot easier not to take this sort of thing personally or seriously if I don't like the person in question!

Plumnora · 17/07/2025 19:20

I think- by what you've said- that you clash. Which is fine. We can't be best mates with all our work colleagues. And you're very sensitive at the moment because you've just lost somebody close. She doesn't sound very nice to be honest but my best advice would be to stay away from her, be polite and professional, speak only when it's work related understand that you two will never be friends. As they say, you can't control what others do or say, only your own response and behaviour. Don't let her get under your skin and don't let her live rent free in your head.
I'm sorry for your loss and I hope the time off gives you the space you need to grieve. x

Butchyrestingface · 17/07/2025 19:31

Kyotomayoto · 17/07/2025 14:12

@KrisAkabusi why do you think I don’t like her?

I think it's pretty obvious you DON'T like her. I don't think I'd like her either from what you've described and I wouldn't be afraid to admit it (on here).

I'd step back from making any further effort with her. Be polite and professional in your interactions, but that's it. But tell her nothing - no more small talk.

Britneyfan · 17/07/2025 19:31

@Kyotomayoto I’m so sorry for your loss and that you felt your colleague wasn’t supportive or kind at such a time.

I think it can be basically almost impossible to say the right thing to someone who is grieving especially in the early days. Just be aware that anger and irritability can be really out of control at such a time. As a pp pointed out, some people even find “sorry for your loss” trite and meaningless and a cop-out, and some even find it offensive especially if they had a complicated relationship with the person they are grieving.

I remember being absolutely gobsmacked when my younger brother suddenly collapsed and died out of the blue while climbing a mountain in his 30s, when at his funeral a family friend said “what a fantastic way to go!” or something. With one part of my brain I was like “is she for real?! This is an absolute tragedy, it’s not at all good that my brother collapsed and died in his 30s for goodness sake!” But either way another part of my brain I was able to recognise that people can be socially awkward around bereavements and her intentions were good. I’d personally rather people say absolutely the wrong thing to try to be supportive at my time of need, than not say anything or avoid me for fear of saying the wrong thing at such a time. But I can completely see how someone else would have been really upset or offended by what she said. And I’m guessing I’d have been way angrier if it was someone I disliked anyway or if I felt they had bad intentions saying it. However my family friend is a warm person, was clearly totally devastated by it for us all, made the effort not only to come to the funeral but support the whole family practically in terms of cooking etc and gave me a big hug at the funeral and so I forgave her for putting her foot in her mouth.

You know your colleague best. If you think she was deliberately being bitchy and horrible, perhaps she was. Sadly it’s not beyond some people even when someone is really struggling. On the surface from your initial post before you provided the backstory, it does just sound like she is a blunt person and perhaps was reaching for the right words/phrase in a second language to a situation she hasn’t come across before but used unfortunate wording “what do I need to say” instead of “how do I say this” or whatever.

I’m really curious to know her nationality now! She sounds kind of like my Romanian SIL (she is also pretty fluent but I feel like she would phrase things exactly like this)! I love her and she has a heart of gold, but she is super blunt and extremely hot/headed. She’s not who you go to for sympathy 🤣 I remember one time when I was struggling with depression to the point of not being able to get out of bed she was like “but can’t you just wake up and tell yourself you’re not going to be depressed today?” Ummm no it doesn’t really work that way! I also had a Greek friend when I was younger who was pretty blunt with me when I was wallowing in self/pity after a bad break-up. She was like “pull yourself together, do you think he’s sitting around crying about you, he’s not even thinking about you!” I mean she was right TBH and it was actually kind of what I needed at the time (she forced me to get dressed up and go out clubbing with her lol, a true friend!) but it was kind of ironic when I’d watched her mope around the house for months chain-smoking and listening to some awful Greek melancholy songs on repeat!

Anyway, don’t even think about your colleague, just look after yourself right now xx

PensionedCruiser · 17/07/2025 19:35

One person's apologetic smile is another's patronising smirk. It's highly likely, Kyotomayoto, that you are misunderstanding your colleague's intent and seeing malice where none is intended. As for language ability - I speak two languages other than English fluently, but even so I can be caught out in circumstances that I don't normally encounter. It happens.

Another issue is neurodivergency. Are you absolutely sure that your colleague's difficulty in making small talk isn't an ND thing? I have to say, that the first thing I thought when reading your post. Responding in an unexpected manner or inappropriately can often be an ND feature.

Kyotomayoto, I appreciate that you are hurting and expected a much more sympathetic response from your colleague, but I think you have a lot on your plate at the moment and you should try to let this interaction go. Try not to overthink the situation nor make sense of it. Look after yourself.

Butchyrestingface · 17/07/2025 19:35

SharpLily · 17/07/2025 18:48

I'm guessing she's Dutch.

Or Belgian. I had an Antwerp-ian friend once with what I'd characterise as a rather unsophisticated sense of humour who thought he was hilarious. Also though I wasn't getting his humour because I didn't laugh.

No, I DID get it. He just wasn't funny.

Branleuse · 17/07/2025 19:37

I think shes extremely rude.

Ignore the goadyfuckers on mumsnet if you can.

KrisAkabusi · 17/07/2025 19:42

Branleuse · 17/07/2025 19:37

I think shes extremely rude.

Ignore the goadyfuckers on mumsnet if you can.

Just because people disagree with her, or see a different point of view, it doesn't make them goady fuckers.

Charabanc · 17/07/2025 19:42

You're projecting your grief on to her, OP. She is not important in the scheme of things.

I am sorry for your loss, but this is not about her.

JustAForeigner · 17/07/2025 19:44

When I first started working in the UK, I could see I rattled my colleagues. I don't think they liked me much, and I am fairly certain they thought of me as rude and inappropriate. It wasn't my intention, I just didn't understand the culture fully (even though I could speak the language). 20 years on, I sometimes still cringe... Cut the lady some slack, she might still be learning...

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/07/2025 19:50

ZamaZama · 17/07/2025 18:58

I'd have been annoyed by that too. It's not that she said the wrong thing, but that her response made it all about her. That would seem to be a personality or maturity thing rather than cultural - at least, I've never heard of a culture where it's socially acceptable to make other people's bad news about yourself.

While we have to take cultural differences into consideration, sometimes people just aren't very pleasant or mature.

I agree
She's fluent enough for jokes and work and not a simpleton. I'm sure most people can understand enough to say sorry to hear that, and not smirk at the person.

I think its normal to be taken aback by a response like that. I've worked in places with people that didn't exactly get on, but they would never have been unkind under OP's circumstances.

I guess the question is how are you going to deal with her going forward OP?

I don't think there's any point in trying to answer her back in kind, I think this is a case for grey rock, answering work questions politely and ignoring the nonsense or rudeness as if you didn't hear it, as in don't get involved in any of the normal "how was your weekend" type of conversations with her as you already know what the response will be. It sounds like you have made attempts to chat and are rebuffed with the "jokes" so there's no point making further attempts. The fewer interactions, the less chance she has to make comments.

You say she is polite and friendly to other colleagues and clients. So that says to me that she does treat you differently. Have any of them noticed how she treats you? Do you have some friendly colleagues ? Can you chat with your manager, without bigging it up, could you ask to change desks at least?

Another option may be having it out with her, telling her how her behaviour makes you feel and asking why she does it and would she please speak to you more respectfully. But not knowing either of you, I don't want to advise that because it could backfire. Only you know if this might work.

I think the two of you are oil and water, a straight forward personality clash and it might help you to just write it off as that, and try not to think of it as a personal vendetta against you.

It sounds like a very trying atmosphere to work in. Maybe some other posters will have some suggestions of how to cope with this... but if nothing changes in the long run I'd be looking for a new role, because life is too short for this.

Betty1625 · 17/07/2025 19:56

Branleuse · 17/07/2025 19:37

I think shes extremely rude.

Ignore the goadyfuckers on mumsnet if you can.

Agree!
Nothing to do with "cultural differences". Can't voucher for every culture but the many I encountered come across as more sympathetic. Also op said she sees her communicating in a normal way to others so older rude behaviour is only targeted at you. Distance yourself as much as you can. I would look for a different job or join different team in your organisation