Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

I think that you can fix this by apologising to DD, thanking her for sharing her feelings. I'd agree to step back from chatting in her friendship and just be polite.
Try to scrap back some of the emotional baggage that you landed on her plate.
Tell her that her feelings are normal.

OK I'm assuming your a grown adult with a brain cell so I can only assume you know the difference between a girl telling her mam that she embarrased her and people growing upto to be abusive, telling disabled people they are embarrassing etc. Yes?
So your comment is irrelevant, a child who tells her mam she embarrased her is not going to grow up to be a nasty person who points out differences. You are just being ridiculous now.
And can we remind ourselves no one said she was rude, she was also sad and apologetic when she realised her mam was upset so she sounds like a lovely well rounded child overall.

Two memories from teenager me

First was my mum shared lifts for me and a friend.
When her dad gave me a lift, he chatted about interesting things, and it was lovely. My mum gushed constantly, and asked the most embarrassing cringe things.
One day after getting out of her car she turned to me and said "I'm so sorry about my dad, he's so embarrassing..."

Second one was I did a hobby that sometimes a parent was needed to give a lift. Some of my friends commented that their parents were happy to buy my mum knew the coach and always got in first.
I said she didn't have to do every one; she said she didn't mind
I said that sometimes she might like to used the time for something else. She said she didn't.
So I said to her that other parents wanted to. She said she did too.
I said I didn't think it was fair on them never to. She said tough she asked first.
In exasperation I then said that I wanted sometimes her not to come.
Then she was very hurt.

Now I didn't want to hurt her, and I did appreciate what she did, but I'd run out of tactful ways to ask her to sometimes let me go on my own.

And she did continue to do a lot, but not every one and I was happy with that.

With the parent there you are different. You sit in the front of the car. They remind you to take your water bottle. You feel you need to go over and check they're okay rather than going off with friends...

Let her have times to be herself.

Yes you are not going to psychologically damage your child by having some expectations of them and by telling them that they are being rude when they are. How on earth could you raise your child to become a competent and pleasant human being that others like to be around with no boundaries or consequences? They need to learn that other people also matter and have feelings too and that not every thought that enters their head has to be shared. Do people really think that anything goes because they didn’t ask to be here?

I shouldn’t be surprised really considering the thread where the teenager kicked his grandmother and several people thought that the appropriate response was for the grandmother to give him a gift and apologise.

I find it really sad that some kids think like this, I was never embarrassed of my mom. Yes she embarrassed me at times with certain behaviours, but I was never embarrassed by her as a person. I never kept her away from any events as ultimately she was always the one who was beaming with pride at anything her children did and always had our back 100%.

As a teenager when other friends wouldn't be seen dead out with their mom, we used to still go to the shopping centre together. I can only hope that my daughter has the same attitude towards me when she grows up.

I'm sorry OP, I can totally understand why you are upset. I would be too, try not to take it personal, I think they just grow up really fast these days, at 10 I was still very much a child. 10 year olds now are more like teenagers. Maybe give her the space she wants and perhaps she will notice the absence of you not being there and will begin to appreciate your presence again. Xx

Finding parents embarrassing is normal. On occasion, finding kids embarrassing is normal (probably just me). Be glad she has the ability to communicate that to you.

Also you don’t have to help out (major win).

I remember at some thing at school that parents were invited to I saw my son with his friends so went up and said hello (I recognised some of them). My son looked horrified said mum can you go over there and talk to a mum or something. I slunk away but secretly felt happy he was with friends and I wasn’t needed or wanted. He was about 12.

I pride myself on being an embarrassment to my kids! Sign of doing things right not being cool...

My youngest said the same to me and like you I was chatty, fun Mum but that wasn’t what my DD wanted so she was embarrassed by me.
At that teenage stage she wanted wear beige, blend into the background and provide food mum.

I think in the tween / teen years very few mums can get away with being really chatty and involved. It comes back though

Let's say you had to take your mum or another relative to work with you. You love them right but they might possibly embarrass you or you might be at least a bit on edge that they could do something potentially embarrassing. Even though I bet there is nothing at all embarrassing in reality about your relative.

It's human nature to want to fit in and in order to do that we learn the norms of whatever group we are in. On some level she is just aware that you are not in the know about those norms and so are going to inadvertently injure her street cred.

This has absolutely nothing to do with you. Don't take it personally or make it a big deal. Correct response is ah ok kid. I don't think you have need to worry but I can keep away if it makes you feel more comfortable. Let me know if you change your mind.

That is a lovely way to see it.
They still want cuddles and support behind closed doors.

You are fortunate your daughter has reached ten before saying you are an embarrassment. My mother embarrassed me from when I was really little. I used to run past her when she came to pick me up at school, because I didn't want anyone to know she was my mother! She embarrassed me all the time.

Strap yourself in and read about how adolescent brains develop, OP. DDs are 20 and 16 and mostly we're now out the other side of "Oh God you are so embarrassing!"

I remember DD1 at about ten telling me to stop jigging about in the kitchen when I'm cooking dinner when her friends come round.

Our embarrassing them by just being is payback from all the times they said things like "Mummy has a furry bottom!" out loud to strangers as toddlers.

OP did you bring up your feelings relating with your mother, when DD mention this? Or the recent loss of your father. These are adult problems, 10 year olds can't deal with the guilt.

Yes they do in private (I still get cuddles from both my sons and they’re now adult). My youngest was a shy, reserved boy at primary so to see me not wanted (or needed) made me glow inside, seeing him so comfortable with his fairly new senior school friends.

I remember finding my dad embarrassing from when I was about eight or nine as he was a lovely soft-hearted man but such a grumpy curmudgeon with new people or strangers.

The mother and father must be respected no matter what, so that the children grow up with good manners.

She's also just learning to give feedback, not surprising she didn't do it well.

She's at an awkward stage of depending on you to facilitate, but friends have moved on from that "insanely chatty with adults" phase.

So it will feel like you trying to insert yourself or be part of her social scene, which you wouldn't do in all situations as an adult.

There’s been threads on here about kids being embarrassed by their parents and the overwhelming response is usually it’s your job as a parent to be embarrassing! (Tongue in cheek of course).

With the parent there you are different. You sit in the front of the car. They remind you to take your water bottle. You feel you need to go over and check they're okay rather than going off with friends...

Yes but sometimes you can't win there. I was playing "just the chauffeur" role with DD2 as a younger teenager thinking this was a good plan then she said "My friends find it weird that you don't really talk!" So I started chatting to them more. I do chat to them a bit now when they are doing something, then get out of their hair.

Too many women were raised to be “pleasant” and now aren’t comfortable or able to raise how they feel in relationships because they fear it will cause my discomfort to a partner. I want my daughters to feel comfortable expressing how they feel honestly without fear of a backlash or emotional manipulation. I won’t abide rudeness, but I don’t care at all if anyone would consider them “pleasant”.

This. Your daughter is growing up and is becoming independent. She is trying to set boundaries between her private life and her school life. This actually means your doing a great job raising her. Just try to respect those boundaries. School is her place where she has to go everyday, and the social part can be hard to navigate. Let her lead the way.

At the same age I found my mum embarrassing for calling me darling and love. DD was the same I used to say to her - imagine what everyone will say when they find out - she'd ask what and I'd reply that you gave a mother it's so embarrassing!
She grew out of it - it's just a phase - you are not alone!

I don't know the child personally so I wouldn't make that assumption. It's a good sign she is heading in the right direction. Puberty could change everything.

Yes. Maybe she dominates the conversation or let's slip things down would rather keep private.