Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

Smiling and kindness isn't the issue.
It is the "interest" asking questions that is most likely embarrassing her, attend this event, chat with other parents, a smile to the children, no questions. Her other friends will have mentioned you chatting to ex friends etc.
She'll grow out of it.
DD 16 is happy to have me around her friendship group, DS 10, hates when any attention is brought by chatting or being loud in anyway, even a decibel, he's always likes to be invisible.

Bare in mind that if a mum thinks they aren't embarrassing for their kids they are probably the "Amanda" of the group.

Your DD10 sounds like a stroppy teenager to be honest. She ought to be grateful that you want to be involved with such events which often rely heavily on volunteers.
I always make a point of talking to my AC friends and my DGC friends ……why wouldn’t I ??

Sorry but if you are perfectly sane and correct in your head, why are you letting this get to you? Is there truth to her claim?

Kids say all sorts. Insightful, dumb, naive... Everything. Just because she says it doesn't make it true. It's just her perspective. I would respect her disclosure, simply say 'okay, I'll back off from talking to your friends, but otherwise I will talk to whoever feels to hold a conversation'. Don't let her control the entire situation, you are her parent and your involvement is still needed in her spaces. But no harm in backing off a little if you feel she has a point. I've quickly learned that preteens don't know it all, at all. If she's brave enough to tell you her truth, she needs to be brave enough for some push back (your truth) if it's warranted.

No I dont talk to her, but you sound a lot like her.
She was abusive too.

You don't know me I am a stranger and you are purposely attacking me. Mumsnet or the internet is not helping you. You need to talk to someone in real life attacking strangers online over throw away comments is worrying. You seem to be very invested.

Just own family.
I don't tell random children to behave, sit properly, say please and thank you, walk straight, don't embarrass me.
I say it to my children.
Works both ways.

My mum used to embarrass me too. I didn’t say anything but I would cringe inside. I think it can be quite normal for kids to feel embarrassed by their parents. I never took it personally. Even now when I meet a new gf my kids say, don’t say or do anything embarrassing and they're in their 20s😂 I just laugh and assure them I won’t. I don’t even know why they think I would 🤷‍♀️

Op, you better buckle up for the teenage years or you won't survive them :)

Your children not realise or appreciate what you do for them until they are grown.

I would talk to her and tell her how her words have hurt your feelings.

Given what you said about your mum that comment must have really stung.
Your DD is not feeling the same way about you as you did about your mum and you are not your mum.
It must be especially hard if you are grieving.

It's just normal teenage embarrassment, a lot of teens find everything embarrassing, it's not about you. Check with her if you are doing anything in particular that she would like you to stop and that is all you need to do.

What a fucking reach 😆😆😆
No one is talking about disability, abusive exs, we're talking about a kid telling her mam in a non rude sounding way that she was being embarrassing. Put the phone down and get a cuppa, your escalating.

I don’t have kids so can’t help on parenting but I can empathise with what you’re going through with your bereavement and mother. Growing up with, and being an adult with an alcoholic parent can make us hyper vigilant about others’ feelings about us, and I expect makes you very conscious about the way you parent your daughters.

I don’t think it’s overreacting to be upset about this, especially with the other things you’re going through. As you say, you navigated this with your older daughter and things are ok with her now. It may be that your younger daughter is a bit more independent because she’s the younger (I think that’s common, certainly my sister was like that, whereas I - the eldest - was much more clingy with my parents). And maybe she’s regretting saying something she perhaps didn’t quite think through. I think you sound like a great mum, treating your daughters’ wishes seriously and not dismissing them because ‘she’s only 10’ as some have suggested.

I am sorry I responded to your posts I had no idea.

It starts somewhere children grow up to be adults and if children are never challenged then they continue.

Stop putting your intense reaction to a normal situation on your 10 yo. She doesn't have the emotional maturity to deal with your emotions.
She needed to be honest, she was, she is feeling guilty, way to stop her being honest with people in her future, her feelings are crushed by your adult feelings.

It's a tricky one. I sometimes think there's a correlation between men whose mothers subjugated 100% of their emotional needs for their children and those men not understanding how to be good husbands when they grow up. I stay out of a children's way when they have friends over. At the same time, I'd probably say something like "oh I had been looking forward to going, but I understand if you don't want me there" or whatever. I guess my point is I don't think we need to plaster on a smile for our kids, I think showing them you are human with feelings is good for children - but make it short and sweet and not cloying.

Saying “I don’t want to be fussed over” is very different from “you embarrass me”, though. Very, very different.

My daughter finds me extremely embarrassing but I guess I am embarrassing because I look terrible.

It depends on the reason I guess. I think it’s acceptable to say that you don’t like x or y behaviour (for example someone who turns up drunk or gets into arguments with people) and that it embarrasses you. But it’s not okay to say that someone is just generally embarrassing because of their laugh, their clothes, their weight, their skin colour etc. I think with the OP it was more the behaviour (but it sounds like she’s just being nice and I doubt very much anyone is giving the DD a hard time about it) but I’d make clear to the DD that it was hurtful to say it the way she did.

When I was a child I found my parents embarrassing because of how they looked and how they talked and just generally acted and didn’t want them at things. I accept now that this was my own problem and I didn’t have a god given right to express this.

Also some of the most “embarrassing” parents at my school had super confident kids who were absolutely proud of them and cool with them being how they were. Finding your parents embarrassing is often a sign that you’re not confident in your own skin and can’t tolerate anything that’s different to the norm. That was definitely the case with me.

Totally normal. Mine are 13 and 9 and both have told me I was embarrassing on occasion - I don't think I am a particularly embarrassing mum and I do find it hurtful but I try to ignore and not let it upset me (deep breaths!).

I also now make a point of letting them know when they are embarrassing me and I think this really helps them to realise we are all human!

Another way to look at it too is to think of all the children who will never have independence from parents due to various emotional or physical constraints. Imagine how it feels for a Mother to know her child will never live an independent life - it might help you see her wanting that bit of independence as a blessing.

I wouldn’t take it too personally but I would listen and cut down on interacting with her friends. She has explained what she finds uncomfortable. I would just say that it’s a bit unkind to tell someone that they’re embarrassing but you have listened and you won’t talk to her friends as much in future. My kids found me embarrassing at early secondary age. I think they were just self conscious and worried what their friends would think about everything.

I’d have been really hurt by this but my kids dad m, ex husband was way too over the top and my son stopped playing football as his dad got so involved with it, became a coach, it was really sad as my exh just wouldn’t listen. She does need to reali she has hurt you though

Depends on the event.

Optional extra, eg trip or disco, don't bother.
Special assembly, play where all parents go, then go along.