Sad DD says I’m embarrassing

[Reginaphalangeeeee]

Feeling really emotional. DD age 10 said she didn't want me to come to her after school event as I embarrass her.

I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why.

She said another mum was coming as her friend wanted her to come and help and they didn't need both of us. She said sometimes I talk to her friends too much or in the past spoken to people she is t really friends with anymore.

I am really sad and taken it hard. My daughter has always wanted me there and been proud to be with me. My daughter 13 still wants me around too.

I honestly feel I do so much for my girls, hosted birthday parties, friends around whenever, I talk with them about their worries, surprise trips and treats. Feels like a kick in the teeth. I thought I was ‘one of those good mums’ the type my girls would want me around. I know it's a normal transition they want to be independent but this has hurt me.

DD says she now feels bad and said I can come, but I don't want to be there out of her pity or trying to please me. Feeling sad.😩

I had a fucked up upbringing too,. And because i am emotionally mature, I cut off my parents.
Do you not understand what I mean when I say our children owe us nothing?

I agree.

I’m honestly amazed that so many people think that it’s acceptable for children to be rude to their parents with no comeback because they didn’t ask to be born.

No I wouldn’t humiliate a child or punish them, there’s no need for that but it’s important and necessary for children to understand that their parents, teachers, coaches etc are people with feelings too and that it’s not ok to be rude to them.

And yes they will have their moments regardless but that doesn’t mean that it should be allowed to pass without comment. If they’re being rude they should be told so. It doesn’t have to be an argument but a discussion. I’d listen and consider if I was doing something genuinely embarrassing and avoid it but it isn’t ok for children to talk to their parents rudely with no consequence.

I was generally a very easygoing child but even I had my moments and I’m grateful that my Mother called me out on it and made me realise that I was being rude and that I wasn’t the only one whose feelings mattered. Yes it might be a normal developmental stage but it still requires guidance.

Little wonder that teachers are struggling more than ever with poor behaviour when so many parents seemingly give a pass to their children for blatant rudeness rather than dare to broach it with them because apparently children owe them nothing.

There's a lot of suggestions for emotional abuse on here which is pretty vile.

I think I’d just laugh at her and (depending on the event) go anyway! By that I mean if it was a prize giving or a concert I would go anyway, if it was a social event with parent volunteers I might decide to give myself the evening off!

My kids say this to me but I think secretly they enjoy being embarrassed. I do lighthearted remind them how lucky they are to have a mum who cares about them too.

Yeah, because you wouldn't listen.

Maybe you are being extra nice to children she dislikes and sees it as a sort of betrayal and disloyalty from your part.

I brought up two of my children differently one I nurtured and supported because she was studious and hardworking the other I used tough love. Guess which one is fucking about because I was the hand that kept on giving?
Children like healthy boundaries.

Totally normal to have these feelings at 10.

Listen to the words that she has used, maybe don't be overly friendly gushy towards her pals, it is embarrassing if she is reserved, I'd pull back.
I would attend, smile, pipe down.

Look at the positive, she can discuss this with you.

I'm ashamed to say that I felt like this about DM, for a few short years, I never told me, but I was upset.

Mine are too young for me to have navigated this yet. But obviously it will come one day so I have been reading the responses with interest. It's insane that people think a 10 year old should rule the roost and dictate so much, or that she will turn into a victim of domestic abuse if she is told off.

Yes she is allowed to express how she is feeling. Yes you should respect her enough to tone it down.
But she is the child and you are the parent. It is important for her to learn that words can be hurtful and that some events are nice for you to attend too, even if your existence is a source of embarrassment to her. I was embarrassed by my parents as a child too. I didn't die from it though, and everything was fine.

Aww sorry op. I think she’s just being 10, lots of changes and her wanting to be independent. Don’t take to heart, mine doesn’t want me to walk all the way up to school now. And I can only give him a kiss before we turn into the school road. These kids!

What an admission to make.
Have you sought therapy? You probably should.
You know thats fucked up ya?

How rude and unkind of her. Tell her so.

Okay. My ex also told me he found me embarrassing so I guess he was also just speaking up about his feelings. Do you tell these people you find them embarrassing?
What is a child finds their parent embarrassing because of their disability/weight/age? Is that cool to voice your feelings on too?

You might not have that particular problem.

In a few years she'll be slamming doors in your face and telling you how she hates you and that you've ruined her life.

Wouldn't worry OP, it's all down hill from here.

My ten year old says I'm embarrassing all the time, I've never thought much of it apart from to think it's quite amusing. I tend to blend into the background at school events so I have no idea why, I'm certainly my not loudly chatting to her ex friends. I think you need to accept it's a thing at this age and crack on anyway if you want to go along, she'll just have to deal with it!

Are you a helicopter parent?

From the OP which presumably you've just read:

"I think she was taken aback by my shock and upset so hasn't really given an answer as to why."

It's a normal part of growing up, but that doesn't mean she needs to say it out loud, and it's fine to express to her that it hurt your feelings. You can also still say her you're proud of her for growing up and wanting independence, but you can ask her to express it in a kinder way e.g. 'would you mind if I went to this event alone mum, I want to spend time with my friends by myself'.

You're absolutely right he hasn't hit puberty yet. For now he is good but secondary could change all of that.

HAHAHAHAHA
Seriously.
You need help.

Well if that’s your opinion then I respect it and move on. I have a wonderful relationship with all my children, have just shown this to my 19 year old, she asked who made your cornflakes soggy? Gave me a hug said, god we was awful at times wasn’t we this is why you’re so grey. I slapped her arm in jest (I doubt she’ll call childlike). We laughed. I’m guessing she’s not too scarred.

My mum used to do stuff like this. Withdraw lifts, meals, affection etc if I'd displeased her in some way. Don't do this.

Is that how you talk to your mother?

You’re doing the right thing OP. Your daughter should know what is and isn’t hurtful behaviour. Pretending it doesn’t bother you just gives her license to treat you and others like your feelings don’t matter in future.