To charge my MIL for childcare since she’s stopped helping halfway through the summer holidays?

[CookyPsych]

Bit of a WWYD/AIBU combo here really. MIL offered to do 3 days a week childcare over the summer hols to help us out as I’ve gone back to work FT. All smiles and “of course I’ll help” back in June. Great. We sorted everything round that.

Fast forward 2 wks in and she’s suddenly “too tired” (she’s 62 and quite fit tbh) and now only wants to do one day. No discussion, just dropped it on us Monday morning. DH is useless and doesn’t want to “rock the boat” 🙄

Cue me panicking and having to scrabble round for emergency nursery cover and begging favours off other mums. It’s cost us £300 already and that’ll keep rising. We wouldn’t have booked her in if MIL had stuck to what she agreed. Feel like we’re being taken for mugs.

WIBU to ask MIL to contribute to the cost? I’m not expecting full whack but surely if she pulled out of what she offered halfway through, she should at least chip in?

DH thinks I’m being harsh but I’m just knackered and stressed and feel like she’s left us in the lurch. Honest opinions pls before I actually say anything to her.

I mean 3 days every week is a lot so I think you were taking the mick asking her tbh! You mention nursery so how old is the child and what are the normal non holiday arrangements?

Honestly people who put upon their parents/in laws like this are ridiculous.

I would NEVER ask this sort of commitment from either set, even if they said they would do it. My kids, my responsibility. They’ve done their time.

I know loads of grandparents who drop off and pick up from school every single day. And the children’s parents have the absolute audacity to be annoyed when they go on holiday. It’s absolutely laughable.

So you only had a child on the basis of her looking after your child?! It isn’t her responsibility to pay for childcare for YOUR child

This in spades!!!

These threads come around so regularly.
Grandparents over committing themselves, parents left in the lurch and complaining that grandparents are box fresh and have nothing to complain about.
I wonder if pressure was applied that resulted in an 'offer' to help with childcare? Or if children are far more needy than in years gone by when they'd occupy themselves better - and so grandparents don't have a fair idea of the scale of a three day commitment?

Either way, making you mil pay a penalty is petty and only drives a wedge in important relationships.

Awful situation being dropped in it with no notice. However your response would make me drop the other day! Are you paying her? If this is your attitude to her I imagine she isn't feeling overly like giving up any of her free time to do parenting for you

''All smiles and 'Of course i'll help' '' sound like you asked and she said yes. And meant it i expect.

She gave it a go but on monday she had to admit and tell you 'without discussion' (?) that she was finding it too much.

Just out of interest would the discussion have been?
MIL - Sorry DIL i'm too knackered to do the three days. I'm telling you asap so you can get organised ...

OP - well sorry that's unacceptable and you have to!

?

It's frustrating but family help doesn't come with a contract. That benefits both sides really. She works for no pay and saves you money - but might pull out if necessary. That's just how it works. She's told you straight away at least not dropped days here and there and been cagey.

So, not only do you expect free childcare from your MIL, but when she can’t do it for reasons of her own, you actually consider charging her…. it’s beyond belief!

Your MIL has let you down and I can see that’s very annoying for you, but if she says she’s too tired I’m sure she’s too tired.

Definitely don’t ask her to contribute, it will cause a big upset, and future offers of help may not be forthcoming. Childcare is frequently a problem and I sympathise, but in this case yabvu.

I agree with this. You can't charge her, as tempting as it is, but don't bendover backwards for her going forward either

"It isn't up to you to decide that a 62 year old it fit and healthy enough to be your free childcare. Appearances can be deceiving, and the energy to provide 3 full days of childcare is somewhat full on - lots of older people aren't up to it."

This. It always astounds me how people almost half that age can possibly know how it feels to be over 60. Unless they're walking around with zimmer frames and talking to themselves, older people are deemed perfectly capable of doing the same work they were doing 40 years ago. All I can say is, you'll find out one day!

By the way, if you are the sort of CF who expects your parents/in laws to do all your childcare, please know that they are probably saying to their friends that it’s too much and they don’t know how to extract themselves from the arrangement. Even if they are raving to you about how pleased they are to do it. This is absolutely ubiquitous in all the grandparents that I know who are doing the bulk of their children’s childcare.

Of course you can’t ask. It’s too much for her, be grateful for the 1 day she is providing

This!

You might end up needing another day a week cover if you do.
Maybe she just didn't realise how damned hard it would be - not a crime.

It’s a shitty thing for your MIL to do, but it would be totally unreasonable to ask or expect her to contribute financially. I’d take this as a warning and never rely on her again.

Wait a minute… you have contradicted yourself op. “Mil offered to help” then “She was all smiles with of course I’ll help”
The later sounds like an answer to a request. Did you put her in an awkward position where she felt she couldn’t say no?? Has the poor woman been agonising over how to tell you she would find it too much? If so, you were the CF.

How old is the child? Kids are exhausting tbf. I can understand why 18 days of childcare over the summer would be too much at her age. I’m 10 years younger, and I wouldn’t find it easy either! Sod that 🤣

Your kids, your problem.

Even contemplating charging her is a massive pisstake.

Of course you can't ask her to pay, don't be ridiculous. It's shit that she's dropped you in it but that's the way it goes sometimes I guess.

Your DH m’n to be the one sorting childcare surely? Why is it you who is scrambling around…

I wouldn't be charging but I would text her saying you wish she'd said earlier as now you are having to pay extortionate fees for emergency childcare.

OP you come across as so entitled.People don't understand how tiring it is looking after young children when in their 60s ! I happily coped with my three in my 30s but it is so different now 30 years later.
Your MIL probably feels rubbish having to let you down but she probably didn't anticipate feeling so exhausted.
Thankfully my daughter is not an entitled twat and fully understands that one day a week is really helpful and she is very appreciative.
You really would be very cheeky to ask her for payment, don't do it!

No, you can’t ask her for the money……your child, your responsibility! Why do people have babies that they clearly cannot afford???? And then expect others to bail them out.

You can’t ask.

DH should be the one scrabbling around and NOT you!

I would be telling dh he sorts it, and if that means he has to take unpaid leave to cover it himself so be it

then I would not take any notice of any other offers and would not be be letting her look after them ever again

I get the OPs frustration - but i still don't get why MIL has been ''shitty''.

We're not suggesting she's done this as a cruel joke are we?

Childcare isn't something you'd want someone to carry doing with gritted teeth and at the end of their tether is it? You'd want someone to be honest and say what they can manage happily and with good humour and energy.

She’s still looking after the child just for not as many days as she originally offered. She’s found it too much but is still doing them a big favour.

If you can’t see that and would think twice before helping her out in the future you don’t deserve the bloody help!