To charge my MIL for childcare since she’s stopped helping halfway through the summer holidays?

[CookyPsych]

Bit of a WWYD/AIBU combo here really. MIL offered to do 3 days a week childcare over the summer hols to help us out as I’ve gone back to work FT. All smiles and “of course I’ll help” back in June. Great. We sorted everything round that.

Fast forward 2 wks in and she’s suddenly “too tired” (she’s 62 and quite fit tbh) and now only wants to do one day. No discussion, just dropped it on us Monday morning. DH is useless and doesn’t want to “rock the boat” 🙄

Cue me panicking and having to scrabble round for emergency nursery cover and begging favours off other mums. It’s cost us £300 already and that’ll keep rising. We wouldn’t have booked her in if MIL had stuck to what she agreed. Feel like we’re being taken for mugs.

WIBU to ask MIL to contribute to the cost? I’m not expecting full whack but surely if she pulled out of what she offered halfway through, she should at least chip in?

DH thinks I’m being harsh but I’m just knackered and stressed and feel like she’s left us in the lurch. Honest opinions pls before I actually say anything to her.

Why would trust the MIL to actually do the one day now?

I mean she’s just shown she has no issue dropping her engagement so why makes you think she won’t do that again.

Personally, I’d rather organise childcare for all the days than spending two months wondering if I’m going to be left in the lurch.
Much less stressful.

This isn’t the way to repay those who have done you a favour, OP. It’s often the way that people focus on what someone isn’t doing and forget what she’s already done for you.

She’s your MiL, not a member of your staff.

This is mad - please don't do any of it. Your relationship with your MIL and DH, your DC's relationship with their GM - they are bigger than this incident.

This. OP is still getting one day a week free.

I understand you’d feel annoyed but YABU

It isn't up to you to decide that a 62 year old it fit and healthy enough to be your free childcare. Appearances can be deceiving, and the energy to provide 3 full days of childcare is somewhat full on - lots of older people aren't up to it. There's plenty of younger people - and parents ! - not up to it. The difference is that when you are a parent it is your problem to solve, when you aren't it isn't. What about your family stepping up and doing some?

She probably wanted to be helpful

She has been the utter opposite of helpful because she made an offer then rescinded it, leaving OP in a difficult position.

People who try to be helpful but end up causing more problems than if they haven’t bothered are a pain in the arse.

She was doing you the favour. She’s found it harder than expected and cut back. If you want guaranteed child care you have to pay for it. If your mil is well off your dh could ask her to contribute to the unexpected cost but you need to budget/plan ahead next year

She only offered in June so what was your plan up til then? That seems rather short notice for you to be booking in childcare anyway. I would have thought you would have sorted it sooner.

Anyway no don't ask her for money. I don't understand how so many people expect grandparents to provide free childcare and then complain when they say they are tired and can't do it. There are many posts on here from exhausted or fed up mums who want time to themselves so why shouldn't grandparents who have done their time raising children now enjoy the freedom of no longer worrying about this.

Nanny of 5 here and i have all 5 regularly 1 at a time on a rota system so all the children know where their at and als so I get to know what's happening in their world 121. I offer and I feel it gives my children a chance to have 121 with their other child/ren or grab an extra shift or date night etc
But my goodness if I said I couldn't because I was tired 😴 and I get tired and I was told here is a bill because we planned stuff or loss of wages or child care costs. I'd say bugger off.
You risk losing the other day and your mil catching up with her grandchild on birthdays and Christmas and pop ins with no child care.
What a cheek. Take some leave and spend it with your child if child care is too expensive and instead of billing mil, take her out fir a meal for all the times she has babysat.

Actually cringing for you OP. Grow up.

No you can't charge. Weve had no help over summer ever from anyone. Have to suck up the costs youre lucky you have one day a week. Annoying it is late stage but just factor in you will have to pay for holiday care from here on in.

Wow, just wow.

I do school holiday childcare for the grandchildren - it’s exhausting (late 60s but fit). If my DH didn’t help, I wouldn’t.

Maybe you should have has a proper chat at the beginning- shall we see how it goes, start with one day etc - but no, you just grabbed it with both hands. And now you’re pissed with her and want to charge her for your childcare?

I hope my kids would say ‘Sorry it’s too much, of course it’s ok, really grateful for anything you can do’.

It's disappointing she decided she wasn't up for the full 3 days, but to be honest I'm in my 30's and find it exhausting looking after my own child most days! Shes in her 60's. Focus on what she is doing for you, not what she isn't. and of course you can't ask her to pay. MIL is the one being taken for a mug with you being so ungrateful not the other way round!

This

Feel like we’re being taken for mugs.

You were taking your MIL for a mug. They're your children, pay for childcare or quit work to care for them yourselves.

What age are your kids? Is it possible they are not well behaved and this has contributed to her decision?

Of course you cant charge her. But your DH needs to be made to step up pronto! I would be saying he had to help sort it and going to work and leaving him with the kids if he didn't do it!

Why would she say "of course I'll help" if she offered?

That sounds far more likely to be a response to a request rather than an offer!!

The wording just seems very off.

Either way, you are being beyond unreasonable.

No, you can't charge your MIL. But you can let her know how her cavalier changing of her mind is costing you in both time and money.

Stop scrabbling around for childcare. Tell your DH he takes the time off from HIS job to cover it or her sorts out childcare for the remaining days. This shouldn't all be on you, especially as it's his mum that's let you BOTH down. Not you, BOTH of you. And he's dumping it all on you.

Absolutely not. Taking her up on the offer of 3 days a week without paying her was a poor choice. Now you and your husband have to deal with the consequences.

the only thing that needs to change is that your husband needs to be doing some of the scrambling and panicking.

I hope my kids would say ‘Sorry it’s too much, of course it’s ok, really grateful for anything you can do'

Agree, this is the ONLY response that should come from you OP.

It would have cost you even more if she hadn't done any childcare though. Get your DH involved in trying to find cover.

3 days a week is a lot for a grandparent, had you trialled this before it became something you relied on? It's bad she just dropped out suddenly, was she apologetic or does she not realise that finding alternative cover with no notice is really difficult? Obviously, you won't want to rely on her in the future but you can't charge her now.

Make the whole thing a DH problem. Walk away and let him deal with it.

To those criticising MIL, what was she supposed to do? Keep going until she keeled over?

Yes, excellent idea to try and make her pay.
Watch how quickly she decides she will not help you at all.