To charge my MIL for childcare since she’s stopped helping halfway through the summer holidays?

[CookyPsych]

Bit of a WWYD/AIBU combo here really. MIL offered to do 3 days a week childcare over the summer hols to help us out as I’ve gone back to work FT. All smiles and “of course I’ll help” back in June. Great. We sorted everything round that.

Fast forward 2 wks in and she’s suddenly “too tired” (she’s 62 and quite fit tbh) and now only wants to do one day. No discussion, just dropped it on us Monday morning. DH is useless and doesn’t want to “rock the boat” 🙄

Cue me panicking and having to scrabble round for emergency nursery cover and begging favours off other mums. It’s cost us £300 already and that’ll keep rising. We wouldn’t have booked her in if MIL had stuck to what she agreed. Feel like we’re being taken for mugs.

WIBU to ask MIL to contribute to the cost? I’m not expecting full whack but surely if she pulled out of what she offered halfway through, she should at least chip in?

DH thinks I’m being harsh but I’m just knackered and stressed and feel like she’s left us in the lurch. Honest opinions pls before I actually say anything to her.

What is the difference between what you would have paid and what you're paying due to lack of notice?
I would guess not a great deal.
Your childcare is your bill and it wouldn't occur to me to charge someone else regardless of circumstances. If you suggest she pays that will tarnish relations in the future, she may even back out of the day she's still doing.
I'm sympathetic though, because I'd be fuming. Yes, childcare is a huge favour, I'm always very grateful, but it's important it's reliable. If you can't be reliable, don't offer.

I don’t understand how she has cost you money? I know that you have to pay for childcare but you would have had to if she hadn’t agreed to help in the first case. It’s not great that she’s pulled out this late in the day but it was a big ask in the beginning.

I totally understand the financial impact by the way - I’ve always had to pay for holiday playschemes and it’s killer but it is your cost to burden, not hers.

I read stuff on here and at times I think 'what planet is she/he on?' Your post @CookyPsych is one of those posts. You sound entitled.

No one can expect and/or demand free childcare. It's beyond unreasonable. You're fortunate to have one day free childcare. Count that as a blessing.

Totally unreasonable of you to ask her to pay for childcare. It's your child not MILs.

Also totally unreasonable of MIL to drop you in it like that. You now know you can't trust her and frankly after that I wouldn't be considering her a friend at all and would cool things off massively. DH can go visit her and take DC if he wants. I CBA having any kind of relationship beyond basic civility with people like her. It's s really shitty thing she's done.

This must happen often as there’s regularly threads like this exact situation. Okay it’s rubbish she’s done this at such short notice, but you AND dh need to sort this out. Forget about cost, it’s not up to mil to help, despite the scenario.

She’s still helping you out one day a week. Which is more than zero days.

Annoying to be left in the lurch at short notice but she probably underestimated the responsibility. A full working day of childcare is a lot, around 10-12 hours per day. And set days every week is a massive commitment. She may enjoy babysitting for the odd evening more, or an afternoon at the weekend to give you some time off at the weekend. Don’t start making demands now or you’ll get nothing at all.

It annoying she has not given u much notice, but she is still doing u a favour Mondays. It her choice how much she does. Get your husband to sort something. Don't let this sour your relationship with her

She isn’t a brat. MIL freely offered 3 days per week - last month. And now it’s come time for that, she’s reneged with zero notice causing a lot of stress. It’s absolutely not brattish to have made plans based on what was agreed and to be stressed that the goal posts have moved. I know very well that people not considered particularly old can suffer crushing tiredness and awful menopausal symptoms including insomnia as I’m one of them. If MIL had said - I’m so sorry to have to let you down due to health issues that are crushing me, it would have been different and op would likely have understood but still been stressed.

You are being very unreasonable. Honestly I wouldn’t have accepted the offer in the first place, it’s a huge amount of child care and it’s exhausting. Book your DC into holiday clubs or take unpaid parental leave.

All those saying OP entitled etc - she may have planned to work full time due to MIL offer of help and MIL has now left her in the lurch.

However, your DH should sort out childcare so he doesn’t rock the boat with you OP

It’s crap she’s cancelled on you but you need a reality check if you think she owes you money

Nice role modelling that it’s always a female default to sort out child care and men can just sit back and crack on with their life. Perhaps offload some of the stress and responsibilty on to him - the other parent - instead of your MIL.

Please, I hope this is a troll because nobody could be this stupid......SURELY!

You’d be paying for if anyway?

The having to scramble around is annoying but get your DP to do some of that

This is why I will say no to any childcare. There will be no misunderstandings and everyone will know where they stand. Of course, I will offer to babysit from time to time.

Yes of course it’s MIL’s choice how much to do. But last month she made that choice (3 days) and OP planned based on that info - then MIL amended the choice last minute seemingly without much of an apology/explanation or giving much of a shit about the stress she just dropped on op.

Why are you dealing with his mother and why is this a problem only for you to sort?

Your children have two parents.

Both of you take holiday days off separately to cover childcare, ask to do swap play dates with friends where you have their kids one day and they have yours another, sign up to camps, ask other family members.

This is not your MIL fault and she has every right to change her mind. She was doing you a favour and it was clearly too much once she experienced it for a few days.

So breezily set up a family WhatsApp and say with mil and dh, say “okay I’ve have done as much as I can to replace the days’ childcare. Here’s a list of the dates I’ve replaced with other childcare . @dh you will just have to sort the rest of the days out either use up vacation as I haven’t accrued any yet, or take unpaid leave, or book childcare. Let us know what you have sorted out so we can get the calendar updated and MiL knows which day she’ll be needed each week. Thanks both!”

Did you miss the following line out of your op

‘as a result of last minute booking of childcare, it has cost us double per hour what it would have cost back in June’ ?

bevause that’s the only way it would make sense that you expect mil to contribute if her reneging on her original plan has cost you more than it would have done in the first place.

I expect your bigger problem is the fact that you casually dropped in that your dh is useless with a whopping great example of you taking all this stress onboard to sort as if it’s only your problem, not his. That dynamic is not good.

Watched my 56 year old mother in law be absolutely run into the ground doing childcare for my gorgeous but incredibly intense nephew. Three years later she’s been left with chronic health problems and yet now she’s having to do it again for a new niece because she feels like she has to. Don’t be that person to your MIL. 3 days is a LOT, I’m not surprised she’s had to change her mind.

Of course you can’t charge her!! You sound so entitled.

This...

You can't charge a family member for not providing childcare 😆 I completely get that it's immensely stressful but she doesn't owe you childcare just because she's your MIL. Yes she should have let you know earlier, and yes it's awful timing and hugely expensive, but I really think you can't make her pay towards the costs!

You are ridiculous to even think it - hilariously so OP

Don’t be so stupid. Her MIL committed to helping so she didn’t book childcare. Now she’s changed her mind. My MIL would have recognized the predicament she’d left us in and offered to pay, no question!

You can’t charge her, no. But I still think she’s being unreasonable - shouldn’t offer to help and then leave you in the shit last minute. I hate unreliable people.