To think people pleasing can be very dangerous and can’t be underestimated?

[ThoseCar]

I’ve been having a huge period of reflection on my life in the past few weeks and one of the things I’ve discovered is that people pleasing, which is the subject of so many threads on MN even if not in a ‘blatant’ way, is potentially very dangerous- it can lead to people being extremely humiliated/bullied to their lives being screwed up to what may seem like beyond repair.

it’s always early socialisation - parent figures who are the cause of this - in particular my own mum saying to me as a teen angrily:

”your father and I WANT you to make friends” - rather than letting me explore my natural tendency to be a bit of a loner - has screwed up a lot of my life - it’s led to me being taken advantage of horrifically

Or "Think of others before yourself"

what about thinking of others and yourself as well?

Yes completely agree !

Yes quite!!

Yes absolutely agree. I learnt from an early age to hide my own emotions because they didn't matter as much and to accommodate other people ALL the time.

Completely agree. Only now at the age of 44 I’ve stopped being a people pleaser and worked on myself a lot. It goes back to my childhood.

I could kick myself at the years wasted being a yes woman, but having no respect from my bosses mainly (since changed jobs, and really love my new job), but I cringe and I’m quite angry about what I could have done, if I had been myself and not what I thought others wanted me to be.

A friend who was brought up a full on Christian was told Jesus first, Other people second, Yourself last spells JOY. How fucking fucked up is that?!

I only got the basic middle class be a Nice girl you must be Liked or Bad Things will happen programming, and that’s quite bad enough.

I quite agree

The more I reflect on the stuff I took in as a young kid, the more damaging I see the impact of politeness has been.

i spend so much time unconsciously centreing men. It’s only now im older i see how we’ve been conditioned to do it. The amount of time men think they can start conversations with us, interrupt us to tell us what we think or expect to stop what we’re doing to help them is unbelievable.

I’m much less patient now I’m older but I’m still fighting against the urge to smile and be nice to men who are creeps pretending to just be friendly

… still working on it in my early 50s. Despite the fact I am outwardly quite together I think this sort of programming renders you slightly teenage for life - I sometimes think I have spent 5 decades worrying about keeping everyone happy, I have no idea what I want, or really who I am.

"Don't speak unless you're spoken to"

Not sure whether this is solely to blame for my social awkwardness but I'm sure it hasn't helped.

Bad for the people pleaser. But also, ironically, it doesn’t please people. It pleases narcs, who we shouldn’t please. It frustrates and annoys normal people who want an honest, equal relationship.

Yeah hss massively held me back. Still does and I continue to work on it. In childhood learnt don’t rock boat, avoid conflict, accept whatever you are given in relationships, keep the peace. It’s hard to recover from

Same here - my dm was so obsequious and desperate to please and did a really good job of teaching me that too.

Yes - it’s so easily encouraged from a young age and leaves people growing up wondering who they are because they’ve always thought about other people’s feelings. It can even get to the point where they don’t really exist because their sense of self has been so minimised at the expense of others. It often comes from volatile/emotionally immature parents who consciously or subconsciously make their kids prioritise their good mood over their own feelings. Think trying to keep mum happy so she doesn’t shout at us again. To anyone interested, Mel Robbins podcast ep called 4 signs of emotionally immature parents is very helpful as is anything by Gabor Mate. His book ‘the myth of normal’ in particular plus any podcasts he’s on often touch on this topic.

That all sounds very familiar!

I listened to myself today excessively thanking someone for a small favour and afterwards compounded it further by berating myself.

My brother and I were always warned, 'Don't let me down' and 'Only speak when spoken to' when we were going to be in any kind of company. He has severe social anxiety and I am never completely myself or at ease with other people.

If we were upset the response was, 'Why are you doing this to me? Don't be so oversensitive.' Any attempt to stand up to our parents or any hint of anger on our part was met with anger, silent treatment and punishment.

It's easy to grow up thinking you only exist and have value if you meet the demands and expectations of others and to fear upsetting others even to your own detriment.

I'm only just breaking free of this in my 60s. It's been hard to fight it and I wonder how much easier things would have been and how many mistakes I wouldn't have made if things had been different.

The actual quote is ‘love they neighbour, as yourself’ which means treating yourself well.

I totally agree with this.
After my parents died I was on my own one day and it suddenly occurred to me that I was free to be what I want and who I really am.

Then the penny dropped that I had no idea what that was.

Yes I grew up like this and it was part of how I ended up in a really bad relationship as I had no idea how to put myself first.

Be Kind is another similar phrase.

It’s ok to say no !

Yes yes, this!

Yes to this, too.

In a similar vein, we were told you eat what you're given and don't ask for food and drink. As an adult I was diagnosed with coeliac disease and navigating that when you've been brought up not to make a fuss about food is challenging.

I often dwell on feelings of frustration, anger and sadness that I have allowed myself to be treated badly in a range of ways over the years - not sticking up for myself or feeling able to put my needs first or even equal. Am really trying to focus on now and realise it’s not my fault. Work in progress, prob always will be

I was raised completely the opposite to this, to believe we were better than everyone else. This brings its own issues but is I think preferable if one or the other had to be chosen I’m sure something in between is the healthiest.

I’m literally writing my Masters dissertation at the moment on this exact subject and how it affects our menopause experience.