To think people pleasing can be very dangerous and can’t be underestimated?

[ThoseCar]

I’ve been having a huge period of reflection on my life in the past few weeks and one of the things I’ve discovered is that people pleasing, which is the subject of so many threads on MN even if not in a ‘blatant’ way, is potentially very dangerous- it can lead to people being extremely humiliated/bullied to their lives being screwed up to what may seem like beyond repair.

it’s always early socialisation - parent figures who are the cause of this - in particular my own mum saying to me as a teen angrily:

”your father and I WANT you to make friends” - rather than letting me explore my natural tendency to be a bit of a loner - has screwed up a lot of my life - it’s led to me being taken advantage of horrifically

There has to come a point where people are responsible for themselves ans their decisions,you made your choices as a grown up?

It so difficult though - anything can be turned into a negative or positive. It also depends partly on the personality of the parent and that of the child.
Some of the nicest people and most successful in terms of close friendships, support circles and work relationships are very considerate people who put themselves out for others.
Equally, another has martyred herself to her DM, which has had an huge consequence on her family life - she knows this but can’t help herself because that’s how she has been raised.

I agree with this. My latter example is where she really needs to take ownership of her own decisions and the consequences.

Fully accepting responsibility for adult choices doesn't stop you from acknowledging the influences and root causes behind the choices you have made.

How interesting. Can you tell us a bit more about this? I know we all notice that we stop caring much about what other people think about us at a certain age, but it sounds like you’re looking into this specifically through women who are brought up to be people pleasers?

I agree it is dangerous. It does nothing good for your mental health. And yes, I believe a lot is a result of socialization.

BUT it is not inevitable. It does mean perhaps tolerating people being unhappy with you or being in conflict at times. So you may well have to face the discomfort that comes with that, or overcome the idea that you are wrong if you dont put other peoples needs before your own.

But when you stop to think about it, what a fucked up way to live.

Fine line between not worrying about what others think and being selfish though?

I don’t think PP is denying that - just that at some point you need to own the decisions you make and can’t keep looking back 40, 50 years for someone else to blame (not include abuse in this).

Ah I’d never thought of that before - do you think it’s specifically a middle class thing ?

omg csn so relate to this being the exact same age as you ! It does render you teenage for life trying to figure out your identity

Yes my dad more with me

There’s so much truth in this. Thanks for the heads up I’ve just searched Mel Robbins online

I totally agree that it comes from emotionally immature parents

Gosh I’m in exactly same boat as you with similar parents !

But the fact that you’ve finally broken out of it in your 60s means it’s never too late to form new habits and grow emotionally

Ooh, interesting thread. All the posts about loss of identity and purpose are extremely resonant. I'm 56 and was an only child, became an orphan this year. I was also widowed three years ago. My kids are adults, and while we get on well, they have their own lives. My business folded leaving me in debt, I had to downsize drastically in the rental market.

My whole life has been skewed towards caring responsibilities which I have struggled with, but I'm "so reliable and dependable and kind" I felt I had no choice when things i wanted to do were perceived to get in the way of those responsibilities, and so I'd always put them on the back burner.

I'm trying to adjust to my brave new world of pleasing myself first, but I'm so brainwashed I'm paralysed in case I start something I love then have to shelve it yet again.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad I did spend the time with my elderlies when they needed me, but after that I and my late DP were supposed to build up towards retiring to Glastonbury and while I know I can do that if I want, I feel as if I'm not allowed nice things.....

Yes, I'm getting counselling.

I'm weaning myself off the bad habits slowly, and trying to keep my cat pleasing down to a realistic level 😂

Thank you for starting this thread OP. It's helpful to know I'm not alone x

Yes but. Yes, people-pleasing can totally ruin lives. I’m prone to it myself.

And yes, sometimes it really is parental actions.

But in study after study genes account for way more in life outcomes than people figure. It’s camouflaged because the genes that made your parents made you too.

And the mindset that says: ‘other people’s views are what matters’ is the same one that says: ‘other people made me this way’.

Yours — a people-pleaser.

Oh you’re welcome - and you’re certainly not alone x

I’ve discovered is that people pleasing, which is the subject of so many threads on MN even if not in a ‘blatant’ way, is potentially very dangerous- it can lead to people being extremely humiliated/bullied to their lives being screwed up to what may seem like beyond repair

Absolutely. For me it was my mum who brought us up in a draconian way, so fear of punishment was my main trigger. I was high achieving in the family, but even now there are things she criticises me for.

My fear of punishment led to fear of rejection from individuals who I now see are toxic and exploiting, but I really cared what they thought at the time. It's only more recently in my 40s that I realise that my people pleasing was making me complicit in my own psychological abuse and bullying from certain people.

You see threads on here where ops are acquiescing to CFs, who are not their true friends. Although I can see myself in their situation 20 years ago, I cannot help but post something blunt in the hope they'll wake up.

Interesting that this bullshit is usually only put on girls/ women. Be kind, think of others, what will they think of you etc.

I think selfish is doing an identitiable‘act’ that inconveniences someone and not caring about this - eg when you block a road when it would’ve been easier for you to drive a bit further and pull in so people can pass.

Nor caring what people think is accepting a job eg 200 miles away when your parents want to to stay local/in the same town

Such an interesting thread, OP! I’ve found as I’m at peri stage, all the fucks I used to give have upped and gone. I am braver at work and speak my mind. This has actually gone in my favour so far. However, at home and with family - just wow! People can’t cope with the new, more self-centered me! I’m not doing anything out there, just putting myself first for once! But it’s taking them all some getting used to 🤣

Good for you - this is so encouraging to hear ! People find it difficult to adjust !

I saw my Mum put herself last everytime, she sacrificed her happiness, friends, money to care for her family (us when we were little, my grandparents through years of elder care).

I decided not to martyr myself in that way and haven't people pleased since my late teens.

@EveryDayisFriday - me too! DM is the same. Actually led to me making some quite poor choices at times as she always puts herself out for others and sees the best in everyone. Way for me to be guilt tripped by ‘friends’ as a teen and to make many more allowances for bad boyfriends than I should have done. I should have been taught how to bin the bad ones, rather than how to try and save them! And what not to put up with or make allowances for!

It took my own children telling me for me to recognize it's a trait of mine and begin, BEGIN to address it. It's so deeply ingrained though.

Yes, this!