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Original poster

To think people pleasing can be very dangerous and can’t be underestimated?

183 replies

ThoseCar · 16/07/2025 16:19

I’ve been having a huge period of reflection on my life in the past few weeks and one of the things I’ve discovered is that people pleasing, which is the subject of so many threads on MN even if not in a ‘blatant’ way, is potentially very dangerous- it can lead to people being extremely humiliated/bullied to their lives being screwed up to what may seem like beyond repair.

it’s always early socialisation - parent figures who are the cause of this - in particular my own mum saying to me as a teen angrily:

”your father and I WANT you to make friends” - rather than letting me explore my natural tendency to be a bit of a loner - has screwed up a lot of my life - it’s led to me being taken advantage of horrifically

OP posts:
Thepeopleversuswork · 18/07/2025 13:55

Dweetfidilove · 17/07/2025 13:28

I think young girls benefit from having strong, confident older women in their families and it's good to have friendships with older more experienced women.
These are the women who taught me really early to give no fucks, and that some of the things we think are important now, are wholly inconsequential in the grand scheme of life.

I'm trying to pass these on to my teenage daughter and I also try to surround her with these women who I believe are good role models. We also discuss some of the shitty things that happen in relationships around us and help her to understand early how lack of boundaries, self-esteem and self-respect is what leads folks to repeat shitty patterns over and over again. I also point out good happy relationships and friendships and how everyone flourishes when there is balance.

I'm trying to eradicate it before it sets in as it so easily takes root and is so hard to get out of.

I completely agree with this. My mother was a huge people pleaser and it left me with a long legacy of reluctance to assert myself.

As a single parent I've had to do everything on my own and although no one would wish for their marriage to break down I'm convinced in many ways it's helped me be more of a positive role model: it's established a template for my daughter that shows that women can do (more or less) anything they want to without needing to defer to a man.

TheNinkyNonkyIsATardis · 18/07/2025 14:58

Thepeopleversuswork · 18/07/2025 13:48

@Dontlletmedownbruce

I agree there is a happy medium. I don't think its good to raise children to put themselves first. That results in a generally unpleasant society, where everyone is miserable, it has a serious knock on effect as we know from the multiple 'why is everyone so selfish now' threads here.

There absolutely is a place for putting other people before yourself and as you say its not great for children to grow up believing their needs always come first. That just leads to entitled adults who can't empathise or admit others' perspectives.

The trick is equipping children with an inner radar to tell them when to take a back seat and when to stand up for yourself.

A mature and well rounded person should be able to understand when someone else's needs genuinely should take precedence: for example and older person who is tired should get first dibs on a seat, a parent who has been running themselves ragged doing domestic work should be allowed to put their feet up before being required to do more errands which the child could do for themself.

Where it gets dangerous is when children develop the sense that a particular person (it could be a parent, a certain friend) always has to get their way, regardless of the wider context or what's being asked.

That primes children for dependent and dysfunction relationships in later life where they identify a particular person to whom they always need to defer and which makes them a target for manipulation.

Edited

I thank my lucky stars that I'm of a different disposition to my sister.

My mum is a classic "I must get my own way" person. She'll go to endless bullshit contortions as to why her choice is the correct and superior one.

My sister absorbed a bit of this energy, and spends a lot of time trying to manage others feelings.

I'm an obstreperous sod, so I simply short-circuited the process by lying so that my mum didn't know she wasn't being obeyed in all instances.

I'm not saying it's healthy, but at least I recognised the madness and side-stepped it. (I'd also say I've got a pretty sharp sense of what type of person people are as a result, and adjust my approach accordingly)

TheeNotoriousPIG · 18/07/2025 14:59

I was raised to be a people-pleaser, under the, "If you're female, put everyone else first and you don't matter" regime. It did not end well! I think that my, erm, revolt against the regime might have caused another <shock, horror!> female to start having terrible thoughts about it, too... so I hope that, one day, she'll move away and start doing her own thing. However, at present, the guilt-trip is so deeply ingrained that she seems stuck.

It is hard. It's taken a lot of guilt-trips and name-calling (from selfish to brave) to get where I am today, but I hope that I can get rid of all of the guilt complex and people-pleasing tendencies one day!

Hopefully, if I am lucky enough to have children, they will know that it's fine to say, "No", and that letting others walk all over them is not acceptable.

Good luck to everyone else who is trying to climb out of the people-pleasing pit!

OriginalUsername2 · 18/07/2025 15:48

user1471538283 · 17/07/2025 09:59

Yes it is and you just end up being used. I've people pleased all my life because of my DM and last summer taught me that even after decades of friendship and support people scatter and spread lies when you need them.

I'm always telling my two to put themselves first.

Very true. I really relate to this for myself and lots of situations seen on here.

People don’t think “Do you know what, X has been a great family member to me over the years, she’s not been problematic in any way, she’s never hurt a fly, maybe I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt here”

Or even “I’ll check in on her and get her side”

It’s all for nothing. Might as well free yourself and do what you want.

(This is why I think “Build a community for support” is a silly idea. Build a community for things to do and people to see, if you want that. But build yourself up to be your own support.)

Cattery · 18/07/2025 16:19

Deeply ingrained people pleaser. Had good parents. Lovely mum. Neither of them liked confrontation and neither do I. I was bullied at primary school (60s). My dad used to like to make people laugh and sometimes at my expense. It’s difficult to explain but I’d cringe inside and want to hide. You never knew when he was going to do it. This carried on until my 50s when he died. I think I tried to say and do the right thing around him but it was like he had no filter. My dh used to say oh it’s his age and I used to think, no he was like this when we were little. It’s been water off a duck’s back for my sister but for me, maybe a more sensitive soul, I want everyone to like me but I end up hating the compromises I’ve made to please people. I’m post menopausal now and it’s getting a bit better. I’ve started going no contact with those that have ripped the piss out of me in recent years and have put some boundaries in place of which I’m proud.

Dweetfidilove · 18/07/2025 21:28

Thepeopleversuswork · 18/07/2025 13:55

I completely agree with this. My mother was a huge people pleaser and it left me with a long legacy of reluctance to assert myself.

As a single parent I've had to do everything on my own and although no one would wish for their marriage to break down I'm convinced in many ways it's helped me be more of a positive role model: it's established a template for my daughter that shows that women can do (more or less) anything they want to without needing to defer to a man.

Show quote history

Absolutely! It's good to have a happy balance between- I enjoy these friendships, but I won't keep them at all costs. I love this man but if it all goes to shit, I know I've got this.

Original poster
ThoseCar · 21/07/2025 14:40

Thepeopleversuswork · 18/07/2025 13:48

@Dontlletmedownbruce

I agree there is a happy medium. I don't think its good to raise children to put themselves first. That results in a generally unpleasant society, where everyone is miserable, it has a serious knock on effect as we know from the multiple 'why is everyone so selfish now' threads here.

There absolutely is a place for putting other people before yourself and as you say its not great for children to grow up believing their needs always come first. That just leads to entitled adults who can't empathise or admit others' perspectives.

The trick is equipping children with an inner radar to tell them when to take a back seat and when to stand up for yourself.

A mature and well rounded person should be able to understand when someone else's needs genuinely should take precedence: for example and older person who is tired should get first dibs on a seat, a parent who has been running themselves ragged doing domestic work should be allowed to put their feet up before being required to do more errands which the child could do for themself.

Where it gets dangerous is when children develop the sense that a particular person (it could be a parent, a certain friend) always has to get their way, regardless of the wider context or what's being asked.

That primes children for dependent and dysfunction relationships in later life where they identify a particular person to whom they always need to defer and which makes them a target for manipulation.

Edited

Gosh I so agree with this

OP posts:
Original poster
ThoseCar · 21/07/2025 18:49

Thanks everyone for responding to this thread - in particular I wanted to acknowledge the poster whose parents called them selfish and they took this to heart - and only in adulthood did they realise that they weren’t selfish at all - this is what happened to me - this kind of thing can cause a lot of damage and can potentially make someone vulnerable to abuse

OP posts:
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