My Dad is a builder and my ex was too, so I've been around men who are handy all my life. I'm not very handy myself because I lack confidence, but I understand enough of the landscape to know when we need to get a trade in, or when we can do it ourselves.
My husband is a polymath, one of the most intelligent people I know, can learn and do anything he puts his mind to, but has always rented properties before we met and so had a landlord maintaining things for him.
I am the main earner in the house and work more than full time, he works between 2.5 and 4 days a week. I take responsibility for the house and garden, and my son from a previous marriage, and all the animals. He cooks twice a week and does the laundry. We have a cleaner.
All this is context for a real bone of contention between us at the moment. He won't get involved in home maintenance. On any level.
We had a leak in the upstairs bathroom recently that took the power out in the room beneath it. Once the leak had been sorted by a plumber and the room below had been dried out with a dehumidifier, I asked him to find an electrician to come and get the power back online. This was during a period when I was making redundancies at work, it was hideous and very stressful. My husband just didn't. I kept asking and he kept saying the room needs to dry, and I was like, it is dry. I've had the dehumidifier on, you can feel it's dry, it needs looking at. Weeks went by and I ended up sorting it myself.
Our washing machine stank and was full of mould. I asked him to empty the filter and clean it out when he had a minute, he said it wasn't that, there's something wrong with the pipes, we need to get a man in. I said we can't a man in until we've gone through basic maintenance. He lost his temper and said that his mum 'never once cleaned her washing machine filter', that's not a thing, it's not for homeowners to do. I pointed out that we're meant to do it every 2 months. He said that just isn't true. I cleared the filter myself, got all the mould out, nothing smells now.
Our dishwasher recently started not cleaning things properly. I googled and it said to clean the filter and spray arm as first action. I asked him to do that. He said he has no idea how, he's not a dishwasher repairman. I said that Google is his friend. He said he doesn't know the model. I said it's on the sticker. Long story short, it stopped draining completely because he did nothing. I googled for a plan of attack; he was adamant we needed a repairman. The outlet hose just needed clearing. I did it. These solutions are easy to find online.
And now we having the bathroom and windows replaced. I am fine that I have had to co-ordinate it all, line up all the trades, whatever. I AM better placed to do that. I do know more than him. Fine. But the builder is in today and I have a busy day on and we need some materials that I'd told the builder we already had, but we don't. So I just asked my husband if he'd go to the builder's yard to get some blocks and he had another meltdown. He hates going there, hates the feeling that they know more than he does...
I don't mind at all that he can't build a house himself. But he can teach himself anything when he wants to, and has said many times he finds DIY boring and it's not something he's interested in doing.
Me either. I had zero interest in how dishwashers work, washing machine filters, electricians... None. I don't figure out how things work because it's my life passion, nor do I go into technical detail. I just look online for 2-minute YouTube explainers and if it's simple, do it, and if it's hard, ring someone. Like a normal fucking adult.
It's really starting to make me cross. I'm not his landlord or his mother, and every damn thing in this house is my responsibility. Fine. But I can't even delegate simple things, and his reaction to requests is strange and OTT. He panics and gets defensive and then turns it around on me: normal people get repairmen in. Not to clean the bastard dishwasher filter they don't. If he's worried about being emasculated and embarrassed by people that know more than him, THAT would be more embarrassing. Getting the Hotpoint man out to empty sweetcorn.
He thinks I'm being really unreasonable and says there are other things he's suited to doing. But I'm at a loss to figure out what, because it isn't gardening, decorating, sorting cupboards out that need sorting, helping his stepson...
This is making me mad.