Husband afraid of DIY

[Bloozie]

My Dad is a builder and my ex was too, so I've been around men who are handy all my life. I'm not very handy myself because I lack confidence, but I understand enough of the landscape to know when we need to get a trade in, or when we can do it ourselves.

My husband is a polymath, one of the most intelligent people I know, can learn and do anything he puts his mind to, but has always rented properties before we met and so had a landlord maintaining things for him.

I am the main earner in the house and work more than full time, he works between 2.5 and 4 days a week. I take responsibility for the house and garden, and my son from a previous marriage, and all the animals. He cooks twice a week and does the laundry. We have a cleaner.

All this is context for a real bone of contention between us at the moment. He won't get involved in home maintenance. On any level.

We had a leak in the upstairs bathroom recently that took the power out in the room beneath it. Once the leak had been sorted by a plumber and the room below had been dried out with a dehumidifier, I asked him to find an electrician to come and get the power back online. This was during a period when I was making redundancies at work, it was hideous and very stressful. My husband just didn't. I kept asking and he kept saying the room needs to dry, and I was like, it is dry. I've had the dehumidifier on, you can feel it's dry, it needs looking at. Weeks went by and I ended up sorting it myself.

Our washing machine stank and was full of mould. I asked him to empty the filter and clean it out when he had a minute, he said it wasn't that, there's something wrong with the pipes, we need to get a man in. I said we can't a man in until we've gone through basic maintenance. He lost his temper and said that his mum 'never once cleaned her washing machine filter', that's not a thing, it's not for homeowners to do. I pointed out that we're meant to do it every 2 months. He said that just isn't true. I cleared the filter myself, got all the mould out, nothing smells now.

Our dishwasher recently started not cleaning things properly. I googled and it said to clean the filter and spray arm as first action. I asked him to do that. He said he has no idea how, he's not a dishwasher repairman. I said that Google is his friend. He said he doesn't know the model. I said it's on the sticker. Long story short, it stopped draining completely because he did nothing. I googled for a plan of attack; he was adamant we needed a repairman. The outlet hose just needed clearing. I did it. These solutions are easy to find online.

And now we having the bathroom and windows replaced. I am fine that I have had to co-ordinate it all, line up all the trades, whatever. I AM better placed to do that. I do know more than him. Fine. But the builder is in today and I have a busy day on and we need some materials that I'd told the builder we already had, but we don't. So I just asked my husband if he'd go to the builder's yard to get some blocks and he had another meltdown. He hates going there, hates the feeling that they know more than he does...

I don't mind at all that he can't build a house himself. But he can teach himself anything when he wants to, and has said many times he finds DIY boring and it's not something he's interested in doing.

Me either. I had zero interest in how dishwashers work, washing machine filters, electricians... None. I don't figure out how things work because it's my life passion, nor do I go into technical detail. I just look online for 2-minute YouTube explainers and if it's simple, do it, and if it's hard, ring someone. Like a normal fucking adult.

It's really starting to make me cross. I'm not his landlord or his mother, and every damn thing in this house is my responsibility. Fine. But I can't even delegate simple things, and his reaction to requests is strange and OTT. He panics and gets defensive and then turns it around on me: normal people get repairmen in. Not to clean the bastard dishwasher filter they don't. If he's worried about being emasculated and embarrassed by people that know more than him, THAT would be more embarrassing. Getting the Hotpoint man out to empty sweetcorn.

He thinks I'm being really unreasonable and says there are other things he's suited to doing. But I'm at a loss to figure out what, because it isn't gardening, decorating, sorting cupboards out that need sorting, helping his stepson...

This is making me mad.

No, but he was an ardent defender of Jordan Peterson for AGES until he really lost the plot, when most sane people could see he was a massive misogyinistic grifter, routinely accuses me of hating men, and cannot help but say 'not all men' as if that's not implicit in some of the bigger societal issues.

If he's read something once, that becomes his established truth, so if science/understanding has moved on, he will flatly refuse to consider it if pointed out.

He once read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, it resonated, that's his North Star for things like this. It's just become one of the many, many things I can't talk to about with him because he (thinks he) knows everything and doesn't even want his view challenged. I once tried to use Google to reinforce a point I was making, and he told me it was face-threatening, why do I need to prove him wrong? It was in relation to something he was doing wrong that could have led to speeding tickets, points and fines, so I felt it was important to update him on how speed camera technology had moved on, but because he once drove vans for a summer in 2003 or whenever, He Knows Speed Cameras.

I feel like I'm drip-feeding now. It's cathartic though. And related I think. He absolutely hates being wrong. Cannot sit with the feeling at all. So I guess that feeds into not wanting to even try to understand dishwashers.

All of his hobbies - which to someone else's point, yes he could definitely monetise one of them, he's truly outstanding at it - are things that require intense practice, things he can repeat until they're muscle memory. Long slow burns where he can make his mistakes in secret. I don't think he'd ever monetise though as the fear of making a mistake in front of people is strong.

Exactly. Lazyitis 😒

Autistic. This is what screamed at me from right about your third post on this thread and I’m glad it has come out. He sounds very very very similar to my son. My son is only 14 but some of things which you describe in terms of his behaviour and reactions - the fear, panic, talking over you, deep diving into the parts of life he finds interesting, deeply intelligent in some areas but useless with daily life and many other things too all scream autistic. My son is diagnosed by the way. Not sure what I can advise you - ultimately you are very different - he is helpless at life and needs a motherly partner. You don’t want to do life on your own so you want an equal partner. You are not only different as individuals but you want different things out of life so now you need to consider if this is the type of life you want to live. Only you can decide which is the bigger price to pay - lose him so you can find an equal partner or continue to overlook yourself while you mother someone who is ultimately incapable of being an equal partner. The difficult thing is he is not self aware. If he was, he could work on it and improve some things but from what you have written here - it is unlikely.

Hmmmmm, interesting! There’s still so much of this attitude around. My ex husband of almost 20 years seriously didn’t wash up in the whole marriage, stating it was ‘women’s work!’

There's a lot in this I think. Particularly about the mother role. His dad is definitely autistic, though not diagnosed, and his mum is the most loving, nurturing, patient woman on the planet and helps smooth over the rough edges he struggles with - social situations - and lovingly accepts his need for routine and to dominate conversations.

My husband often uses his parents as the platonic ideal of what a good relationship looks like. And they do have a very good relationship. But at a nuts and bolts level, my husband's mother has had to mould herself around his dad. She does it willingly, and I can see they are very happy together. They're both really lovely people.

But as I have said to him many times, I am nothing like his mother. I am not that patient. She once gave me marriage advice: "You just need to bite your tongue with MrBloozie, I know what he can get like but he's never going to change and you just need to bite your tongue" and I'm like, nope. I am not going to spend my life silenced. That's not what love means to me.

But it may well be what love means to my husband, and the only strategy available to me.

I didn't sign up for this though. If he had a diagnosis, then he would be aware that he is neurodivergent and thinks differently to some other people, and i would have walked into the marriage knowing that. As it stands, he just seemed a bit geeky and passionate about stuff - which are attractive qualities - and his cognitive quirks have unfolded over time, and are becoming stifling. But he firmly believes I am the unreasonable party, and often for things like not getting support in the way he feels he needs it - and it IS maternal. The energy he needs from me is motherly.

That makes me feel sick to my stomach - MASSIVE ick.

But he doesnt want to thats the point

So please OP, will you confirm whether or not the assumptions I have made about his upbringing, are correct, or even partially correct, ie, was he a spoiled little boy, who was never expected to do any chores around the house? Then once he got to the age where he became interested in computers and games, etc., he was allowed to shut himself away in his room all day, doing nothing but what he wanted?

I would also very much like to know whether he had any sort of relationship before you got together, and whether, without you employing him, he would get a job working for someone else, and if not, what you think he would do for money.

I know none of these things are really relevant to your post as such, but I would really like to know if he is, as I have pictured him.

I also think that you would be far better off divorcing him now, rather than letting this go on, to the point where you can stand it no longer, by which time you will be older, and may have completely paid off any mortgage, in which case you could be left a LOT worse off, than if you get rid of him now.

Increasingly he does this thing when we are talking about issues where I will start a sentence, he will assume how it is going to end or what my intention is (often wrongly), then start defending himself regardless of whether it's a defence that's necessary. And I will say, 'Can you just let me finish what I was going to say?' and he will pause, and I'll say two words then he'll do the same again, over and over again, until I lose my shit and then he tells me I'm unreasonable, he can't talk to me, I'm always attacking him, just leave him alone etc etc.

So a counsellor will help by teaching you (both) techniques for structured conversations. Basically one of you talks and the other listens and then feeds back what they hear; they can ask for clarification, but no discussion, no answering, just confirmation.

I don't think he was spoiled as a child, but he was raised in an environment where there were boys jobs and girls jobs, and he would never had to go near a girls job. His Dad is ex-military and so can cook, clean, iron and look after himself, but doesn't, because his mum does it all - but then, he worked outside of the home and she didn't, so fair enough.

He has had one long-term relationship before me - about a decade - but they didn't live together for much more than a year of it, and that was accidental because she was between rentals, and their relationship was, by his account, rocky and should have ended sooner than it did.

If I wasn't employing him, he would probably prefer not to work but if I forced the issue, he could and would get a job working for someone else. To be clear, i don't pay him an allowance or anything. He just contributes less to the bills so he can afford to support his own lifestyle. We keep our money separate - this is a hang up of mine from my first marriage, he was terrible with money and I vowed never to tangle it up again. My current husband would prefer we had a joint bank account.

Point taken about the mortgage.

It's a bit late to start defending him!

I just don't want to misrepresent him. Some of his traits can be insufferable, but going around telling people he's a polymath isn't one of them.

Let's not try to diagnose by social media with such limited information and the perspective of one (pissed off) person.

You cannot stay married to this man. You can't even communicate with him. I don't know how you stand it. He doesn't even have the basic courtesy and respect to let you finish your fucking sentences!

I think the bottom line is you accept him completely for who he is or he can go back to renting and you live apart.

Ok so I feel as if I’ve been where you are, but with some caveats. DH works hard and is a good provider. Won’t let anyone spend it mind 🤣 works hard around the house- doing the same jobs whether they need doing or not, and ignoring jobs that desperately do need doing.

I stayed. I accepted that motherly mode, being his facilitator, and he is pulling his weight. I do have to fit around him though, as you describe his parents. I manage him.

You should see what your exit strategy looks like, so you know what your choice is- stay and settle and accept, or ditch.

A strategy I find helpful with DH-
MrMyPlace, I need to tell you about a problem. First of all, the issue isn’t me telling you about the problem, so don’t get hung up on that. The issue is the problem I’m telling you about. That’s what we need to sort out.

Framing it before we start helps him focus on the bit that matters. It’s not a total solution but it helps.

The thing is, The stuff I do to manage him just adds to your load. You really need to work out what you need from him and work towards making it happen bearing in mind who he actually is rather than what a ‘typical’ person should do.

He's never been interested in material possessions?
He owns half a house which you put down the deposit for and make all the payments towards.

I know. I have regrets to be fair. But as I mentioned earlier, I imagined it would feel like it was our house in more than name. That he'd see it as his responsibility to take care of in more than just a doing the washing kind of way.

I don't mind fitting around him, to a degree. And if you have any more strategies, that would be great.

But I can't be his mother and bring big maternal energy. I have Mummy Issues, mothering on any level makes me feel physically sick unless it's me mothering my own child - representations in film, even his own mum who is just so nice, I can't deal with maternal energy. It revolts me.

And I can't do it under this cloud where I'm the unreasonable one.

I find it interesting that he seems to have made not caring about material things or even caring about caring about material things his whole persona but he's managed to acquire a very big material possession without having to put one penny towards it.
Maybe he doesn't care, you'll find out if it comes to a divorce how much or little he cares about material possessions.

I also find it hard to believe that a grown intelligent man does not have one notion at all how he is behaving and how it's affecting you. You have told him so knows , so either he doesn't care or is unable to do anything about it.

I’m not good when it comes to DIY , however…I clean the washing machine filter and do that basic machine maintenance , I clean the dishwasher and the dishwasher filter ,and do basic maintenance , I sort the tumble drier parts that can come out and need maintaining , take the air purifier apart to maintain it , take the coffee machine apart to maintain , I take the Dyson apart to wash all the ( non electric ) parts etc etc .
I wouldn’t do any plumbing or electrical work because I don’t fancy flooding the house or being electrocuted .
I am happy enough to sort and talk to trades too when necessary.
Although husband has more time on his hands now he’s retired so I let him do that when previously I’d have done that .
I really think your husband is being deliberately awkward

Totally understandable. Would ‘managing somewhat irritating yet talented employee’ energy work?

Another strategy- stay calm and emotionally disengaged. Let the irritation wash over and make observations/suggestions idly, in passing. It’s double edged strategy-
it’s genuinely more comfortable for you because by being disengaged it matters less. Your own fight or flight doesn’t engage and it’s less intense for you.
it doesn’t engage his demand avoidance. Which is powerful energy.

Have you had a read around PDA? He sounds like he needs low demand.
DS1 turned out into a fabulous reliable responsible young man as soon as I stopped expecting him to do things. He really stepped up.

Some phrase I use a lot-
I don’t think I can manage to… is anyone stronger/better at it than me?
I wanted to do X but haven’t found a spare 5mins. Can anyone else have a go?
I don’t suppose you could look up Y for me could you? I’m a bit stuck.

God, I hadn’t realised how much I use ‘anyone’. Someone crops up a lot as well.
Someone keeps leaving the light on. I don’t think it’s me. 🤣 FML

Not this shit again.....every lazy incompetent male has to be autistic, for fucks sake. I'm sick of the self diagnosers.
He is using the weaponised incompetence strategy to ensure you do everything round the house and is ignorant with it. He thinks he is above all women's work which is basically the house, garden and kids.

Yes PDA occurred to me too. Low demand strategies might work on him. But also, he is an adult and OP should not be subjected to gaslighting and abuse for trying to ask him to pull his weight.

Does he actually like you, Op?