Husband afraid of DIY

[Bloozie]

My Dad is a builder and my ex was too, so I've been around men who are handy all my life. I'm not very handy myself because I lack confidence, but I understand enough of the landscape to know when we need to get a trade in, or when we can do it ourselves.

My husband is a polymath, one of the most intelligent people I know, can learn and do anything he puts his mind to, but has always rented properties before we met and so had a landlord maintaining things for him.

I am the main earner in the house and work more than full time, he works between 2.5 and 4 days a week. I take responsibility for the house and garden, and my son from a previous marriage, and all the animals. He cooks twice a week and does the laundry. We have a cleaner.

All this is context for a real bone of contention between us at the moment. He won't get involved in home maintenance. On any level.

We had a leak in the upstairs bathroom recently that took the power out in the room beneath it. Once the leak had been sorted by a plumber and the room below had been dried out with a dehumidifier, I asked him to find an electrician to come and get the power back online. This was during a period when I was making redundancies at work, it was hideous and very stressful. My husband just didn't. I kept asking and he kept saying the room needs to dry, and I was like, it is dry. I've had the dehumidifier on, you can feel it's dry, it needs looking at. Weeks went by and I ended up sorting it myself.

Our washing machine stank and was full of mould. I asked him to empty the filter and clean it out when he had a minute, he said it wasn't that, there's something wrong with the pipes, we need to get a man in. I said we can't a man in until we've gone through basic maintenance. He lost his temper and said that his mum 'never once cleaned her washing machine filter', that's not a thing, it's not for homeowners to do. I pointed out that we're meant to do it every 2 months. He said that just isn't true. I cleared the filter myself, got all the mould out, nothing smells now.

Our dishwasher recently started not cleaning things properly. I googled and it said to clean the filter and spray arm as first action. I asked him to do that. He said he has no idea how, he's not a dishwasher repairman. I said that Google is his friend. He said he doesn't know the model. I said it's on the sticker. Long story short, it stopped draining completely because he did nothing. I googled for a plan of attack; he was adamant we needed a repairman. The outlet hose just needed clearing. I did it. These solutions are easy to find online.

And now we having the bathroom and windows replaced. I am fine that I have had to co-ordinate it all, line up all the trades, whatever. I AM better placed to do that. I do know more than him. Fine. But the builder is in today and I have a busy day on and we need some materials that I'd told the builder we already had, but we don't. So I just asked my husband if he'd go to the builder's yard to get some blocks and he had another meltdown. He hates going there, hates the feeling that they know more than he does...

I don't mind at all that he can't build a house himself. But he can teach himself anything when he wants to, and has said many times he finds DIY boring and it's not something he's interested in doing.

Me either. I had zero interest in how dishwashers work, washing machine filters, electricians... None. I don't figure out how things work because it's my life passion, nor do I go into technical detail. I just look online for 2-minute YouTube explainers and if it's simple, do it, and if it's hard, ring someone. Like a normal fucking adult.

It's really starting to make me cross. I'm not his landlord or his mother, and every damn thing in this house is my responsibility. Fine. But I can't even delegate simple things, and his reaction to requests is strange and OTT. He panics and gets defensive and then turns it around on me: normal people get repairmen in. Not to clean the bastard dishwasher filter they don't. If he's worried about being emasculated and embarrassed by people that know more than him, THAT would be more embarrassing. Getting the Hotpoint man out to empty sweetcorn.

He thinks I'm being really unreasonable and says there are other things he's suited to doing. But I'm at a loss to figure out what, because it isn't gardening, decorating, sorting cupboards out that need sorting, helping his stepson...

This is making me mad.

You sound lovely and reasonable but god are you a mug.
I couldn't stomach such laziness in a man.
So unattractive.
He's a lazy man child.

Yep he’s a lazy, selfish pig.
Unfortunately he won’t change- he’s too good to work or get his hands dirty with manual, boring stuff. You, however, are lowly enough for it.
This will only end in divorce. It’s a bitter pill to swallow that you’ll end up giving him money but that’s the reality. Better to stop wasting money and life on him now.

This x 100

Anthro was so cool wasnt it?

And ick to your ex BIL!!!!! Hope the mansplaining is part of the reason he is ex!😁

God op - you sound hardworking, articulate and clever - yet youve put up with a lazy shit for TEN YEARS? Hes won the lottery with you hasn't he - amazing house to move into, job given to him, gets to play games and works as and when he wants to, says no to work you give him, because well - he can. COME ON op - you know this is not great - you deserve so much more - youre just going to hate him more and more. Why do that to yourself? You're successful in your OWN right - dont let this useless loser drag you and your son down. PLEASE dont.

@Bloozie my DH has a brain the size of a planet and is the most impractical man anyone could hope to meet. However, he has always put his brain, energy and work ethic to good use and brought home so much money that it has been no problem for me tonsort out the practical stuff because despite working full-/time, I have always worked at least 15 to 20 hours pw less than him and sometimes substantially less.

I'd sort out an army of trades and odd job men and get rid of of your DH cock-lodger.

You are unreasonable for marrying a wet wipe. DIY isn't the problem, his personality is, won't make any effort to look at things/make a call/ pop to builders merchant etc. Add to that he only works part time!!

It took my sister way too long to ditch the abusive prick. This is probably why I'm so invested in this thread. If the OP is real, she is maddening.

I might choose to believe it's a wind-up and unfollow.

Sounds like he wants a mummy and because you sound lovely and strong he was attracted to that but now he feels emasculated by you because you can and he cant, he wants you to be his mother and you are now fed up and want a man but he just wants to be a little boy,

Agree.

It's pathetic and also not DIY..it's just sorting shit.

What would he do if the boiler stopped working....pay a plumber or check pressure? Pressure has dropped...still call plumber or Google how to repressurise?

Car oil light comes on...does he look at dipstick or go to garage?

Ffs...you just sort it unless you're really incapable surely.

OP he’s showing you he doesn’t respect you or your time and thinks his life and his time are way more precious than yours.

Huge red flag.

I have a huge argument with my husband this year after many years of similar behaviour. Essentially I tried to lay it out really clearly. We own a house and there are basic maintenance tasks that require doing in order for that house to carry on as it is. Basic everyday tasks that every other couple in the street, across the country, around the world organise in order to protect their single biggest investment.

It isn’t my job to identify the tasks, work out how to do them, get them done or book someone in to do them. We all know what they are. It is basic adulting, in the same way we remember to feed the kids or take the dog for a walk.

I told him if he was incapable of doing the basics in life and continue to opt out of everything he dislikes then we were a lost cause. It worked and he did step up.

I think your husband is hiding behind other reasons but essentially is not ready to adult on your level - he’s a selfish twat and you know it.

OP
It sounds like there’s a lot of pressure on you right now — between work, home, animals, parenting, and managing the never-ending list of house things that break or go weird. That would be exhausting for anyone. You’re clearly incredibly capable and used to just getting stuff done, and it’s frustrating when you feel like you can't rely on someone else to take over even a small task.
That said, I wonder if some of what’s happening here might be a clash of background, expectations, and confidence — rather than just unwillingness on your husband’s part.
A few thoughts that might help:
Different upbringings = different instincts
If he's always rented and had a landlord, he genuinely might not have internalised the “homeowner mindset.” Some people just haven’t had to learn what a filter is or how to Google a DIY fix, and when faced with it, feel completely out of their depth — even if objectively it’s quite simple.
Defensiveness might be masking shame
Some of the “meltdowns” sound more like someone who feels overwhelmed or embarrassed, especially if he’s used to being seen as the clever one. It’s possible that not knowing how to do this kind of stuff triggers some deep discomfort, and instead of calmly facing it, he panics or lashes out. Not great, but maybe human?
Division of labour might need a revisit
Since you’re already doing so much of the mental load and the practical tasks, it might be worth sitting down and agreeing a list of responsibilities — not just “what” needs doing, but how decisions get made, and who takes ownership of each category (e.g., home repairs, pet health, garden maintenance). That way it’s not you constantly delegating (which he might be interpreting as criticism or orders) but rather shared understanding of who handles what.
Could you create a “cheat sheet” or repair folder?
Sounds silly, but if you’ve already figured out how to clean the washing machine or reset the electrics, jotting those down or printing a little “home manual” might help him feel more capable next time — and stop you from repeating the same conversations.
Work with what he is good at
If he says he’s more suited to other things, maybe ask him to define that clearly: "Ok, let’s agree what your areas of responsibility are, so we’re both clear." He might surprise you, or you might find you can move some things onto his plate that you’re currently carrying.
At the end of the day, it’s not about whether he’s “handy” or not — it’s about pulling equal weight, and not leaving one partner to shoulder all the invisible (and visible!) labour. You sound fair and reasonable, just understandably overwhelmed. Maybe he needs help seeing that the issue isn’t the dishwasher — it’s that you feel like the only grown-up in the house.
Hope you both manage to work it out without too many filter-based arguments.

Edit: I forgot to mention, if there are no financial constraints, it's always a good idea to outsource and hire others to handle the tasks that you and he don't want to do.

Do you know my ex husband?

He is a massive and pathetic dick.

Him working 2.5 days a week would be enough of an ick for me to begin with tbh.

In a nutshell OP, it sounds to me like he's never actually grown up.

You say that he rented before he met you, but you don't mention another woman or children in his life, prior to you and your DS. He's good at his hobbies, because he gets to spend so much time on them, while you cope with the real world for him. I'm sure we'd all like to spend time on our hobbies, and forget about everything else, I know I would, but the fact is, that as adults, we ALL have responsibilities, but it sounds like you've always allowed him to get away with not dealing with HIS responsibilities, just because he's got you fooled into thinking that he's oh so clever!' Well, he is clever, he's had you for a mug, for the last 10 years, and because you don't think it's fair for him to take half of what you've got in a divorce, (which I can totally understand under the circumstances), you're putting up with a life where YOU are overloaded with responsibilities, and he has pretty much NONE! From what you've told us, I get the impression, that he was probably a spoiled boy, who never had to do any chores around the house, and was left to play with his toys, which later probably led on to gaming, and computers, all things which men and boys can become extremely obsessive about, to the detriment of all else, unless they are MADE to do other things. He probably only got good at I.T. because he spend hours playing with it, while doing nothing else in the REAL world, and you've basically allowed him to continue like this. In your shoes, I'd look on this as a very expensive lesson, dump his lazy arse, and divorce him!

I just want to gently push back on some of the more extreme replies here, especially the idea that working 2.5 days a week is automatically a red flag, or that a lack of DIY confidence means someone’s fundamentally lazy or immature.
This thread was about home maintenance and practical responsibilities — not a full psychological assessment or a trial for the man’s soul.
Of course OP is frustrated — understandably so — and she came here to get perspective, not be told she’s been “played for a mug for 10 years” or that her DH must have been “a spoiled little boy with toys.” That’s not only speculative, but quite cruel, and it adds nothing useful to the situation. Most of us wouldn't want the worst 5% of ourselves aired on a forum and used to define our entire character.
Let’s not forget: this is someone OP loves, or at least cares enough about to be struggling to fix the relationship — not end it.
After all, OP married this man for her own reasons, and it’s likely not a blind marriage where she didn’t know him beforehand.
The real issue here is about imbalance: one partner is carrying more of the mental and practical load, and it’s becoming unsustainable. That’s a dynamic lots of couples fall into — especially when backgrounds and expectations differ — and it’s worth exploring ways to rebalance things before we declare someone useless and start drafting divorce papers.
If OP had come on saying “He’s amazing with the garden, runs the finances, meal plans, tutors my son, but he freezes when it comes to plumbing,” I doubt people would be jumping to these same conclusions. The problem isn’t his manliness or masculinity — it’s a gap in contribution, and that’s something you can work on, together, if both people are willing.
OP, you sound incredibly capable and patient — and it’s valid to be at your wits’ end. Hopefully you can get a calm conversation going about shared responsibilities, and maybe identify what is in his wheelhouse, even if it’s not drainpipes and dishwashers.
But either way, you deserve support, not a pile-on.

And again, he's just lazy and doesn't want to do manual labour. It's not actually DIY he refuses to do - it's everything he doesn't fancy.

Umm. What DOES he contribute? From where I’m standing cooking twice a week from a man who works part time is the same as sweet fuck all.

I despair of these capable talented women who earn the money, do all the work, and cherish the lily of the field man in their life even as he refuses to support her in any way.
‘Hey useless man, we only have a functioning house because of me, you’ve refused to help. We only have a roof over our heads because of me, and I think I’m done sharing all this with someone who has much more time but gets mad at me for expecting anything. I’m thinking about suggesting you move out.’

This is all basic adulting stuff that needs to be done by all people imo. He has more time to make available by the sounds of it to do his fair share. He sounds lazy, entitled and misogynistic.

And also, it's not as if you love doing it-kt seems he's unwilling to engage with anything he just doesn't fancy!.. Newsflash... You'd prefer to be doing sth more fun too... It should be a joint effort... All these tiresome tasks... Which are important and save a bomb!

Recently my father wanted to call out a plumber to refit a shower door in groove... That I did in 30seconds... And also wanted to engage a mechanic as the car seat wouldn't go back (it was at the max leg room as there was a height differential in car floor where some car gears (?) went underneath... )
It was completely obvious...

A pal's ex-husband seemed to be like this... When anything beyond their /Her skills and a tradie was needed, he refused to speak to them... He was terrified of being 'shown up' not top dog /that they would expect him to 'know' or his dick would drop off 😂.... Utterly tedious behaviour... She got rid of him in the end as he brought so little to the table...

No reason why he can't work full time now is there! He's a knob and has landed on his feet with you. And you're not his mother!

That kind of helplessness would give me the ick irreversibly and immediately.

Capability and confidence are very attractive traits in either sex. I couldn’t be doing with such a ninny.